


Of Breakfast Table Playlists and Midnight Musings

by RyeRiley



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Anthology, Clexa, Clexa Week, Drama, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Pining, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:26:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 48,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29778195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyeRiley/pseuds/RyeRiley
Summary: This is an anthology dedicated to celebrating Clexa this week. A collection of one-shots inspired by songs from breakfast table and midnight musings.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Bellamy Blake/Roan, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Costia/Lexa (The 100), John Murphy/Ontari (The 100), Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 34
Kudos: 38





	1. Taking Windmills for Giants

**Author's Note:**

> These one-shots are based on a playlist that my wife made for Clexa. These are songs that often remind her of Clarke and Lexa's relationship and she had somehow convinced me to write stories based on the playlist that she put together. I hope you enjoy our imaginings of Clexa in whichever alternate universe they are in while listening to the songs that are included here.
> 
> I will be posting a few stories to jumpstart the week, I will post an update daily right after. These independent stories were written last year, therefore, they do no fit any of the themes or challenges set up this week. Enjoy!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa Woods, a prolific young adult fiction writer is devastated when her three-year relationship crumbles as her actor girlfriend Costia Greene abruptly dumps her for another woman. To keep her sanity, she embarks on a spontaneous holiday to Bora Bora. In her effort to rectify her soundness, she stumbles upon ocean blue eyes in the island in French Polynesia.
> 
> Inspired by the song Taking Windmills for Giants by The Boy Least Likely To.
> 
> “Love can be such a mess  
> Produces just the mess I'm in”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is also inspired by the 2008 movie, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall"

* * *

“I think you need to sit down for this.” Costia stands in Lexa’s living room, Lexa could only search her brown eyes for an explanation for her sudden behavior.

Lexa was up all night; she still has not had any sleep at all. She was working on the fourth installment of her book series; it is about a young adult fiction about the dystopian future, chronicling the love of a human and a bionic person in a world when everyone is suffering from radiation sickness. Their love becomes a sliver of light in the post-apocalyptic world. She was in good spirits that morning, better than any other sleepless nights. She was gaining momentum and she felt like she would be beating her deadline that her publisher would be so proud of her. Everything was running smoothly until Costia arrived with a worried look and cryptic verses.

“Is something wrong? Is someone sick? Are you sick?” Lexa immediately bolted from her desk, her laptop computer left open. She was still in her grey sweat pants, maroon Arkadia University sweater, and her hair in a messy bun with a pencil stuck out of her left ear and her eyeglasses looked askew.

Costia shook her head side to side, she pursed her lips, Lexa could sense that something was not right. It seemed like Costia just left the set, she had a white V-neck t-shirt and a black leather jacket over it, a pair of black denims, and boots and she used her sunglasses as a headband to tame her brown mane. Costia is a TV actor; her crime drama has been a hit in primetime TV. She radiated with her olive skin tone, whereas Lexa was already looking quite grey after being cooped up for days indoors.

“What is it, Cos?” Lexa moved closer, she attempted to hug Costia but Costia evaded her extended arms and started to sob.

“I need to tell you…” Costia whispered in shallow breaths, she looked like she was having a panic attack. “I don’t know how to say this.”

Lexa suddenly had an awful feeling at the pit of her stomach. She felt like all the bile had just went up to her throat. “You’re not breaking up with me are you?” Lexa muttered in disbelief, her green eyes went wide; her spectacles hid the actual expression in her eyes.

Costia nodded this time. Lexa was dumbstruck, she could not move. “Are you serious?” Lexa could not believe what is happening. “Is there someone else?” She turned to Costia.

Costia shook her head side to side but did not say a word.

“Costia, is there someone else?” Lexa asked again.

Costia nodded this time. “But it’s not what you think, Lex.” Costia approached her.

“What am I thinking, Cos?” Lexa was fuming now. “Tell me, what you think I’m thinking of.”

“That I cheated.” Costia answered in a broken tone.

“Did you?” Lexa furrowed her brows, this is not happening.

“I tried so hard, Lex.” Costia came closer now.

“No, you did not answer my question.” Lexa stopped her from coming close. “Who?” Lexa turned to Costia once again.

“Does it matter?” Costia retorted.

“Of course it matters! Three years of our lives, down the drain. I would like to know what I did wrong!” Lexa voice was getting louder now. She could not describe what she was feeling right now, pain, anger, frustration, disappointment; all rolled into one massive pain in the gut.

“You were not seeing me anymore, Lex. Everything revolved around your desk. If you’re around, you’re so doting that I could not even breathe!” Costia reasoned. She was in tears.

“This desk is my job, Cos. I dote because I love you! Is that a crime?” Lexa could not really understand the problem.

“I don’t really know when it started exactly, Lex. But just like that, you faded. You were gone into your own world. In your mind, you think you did your best but you have to admit that you don’t see me anymore.” Costia pointed out.

“So, instead of talking to me, you decided to run away with someone else?” Lexa conjectured.

“You never even noticed that I was gone.” Costia scoffed.

“Can we talk about this and sit down for a second?” Lexa tried to be calmer.

“This has been going on for a year, Lex. I could not hurt you more than I already had.” Costia declared.

Lexa could only give her the most incredulous look.

“Can we make this less painful than it already is?” Costia reached out for Lexa’s hand but she recoiled.

“That’s why it is called a break-up, Cos. We have come apart, pain is inevitable.” Lexa accepted her defeat.

* * *

A week later…

What is the word? Quixotic: exceedingly idealistic, unrealistic, and impractical, that is how Lexa Woods describes herself now. She had been wallowing in pain, drinking the days away. Bottles of gin and vodka lined up on her kitchen countertop. She thought her future with Costia was full of promise; a villa near the beach, perhaps a cat or a dog or both, working holidays around each other’s schedules and just like that, it all dissipated into thin air. Costia is warm in somebody’s bed now.

“Lexa! Open up!” There was insistent knocking on Lexa’s front door and she knew who it was.

Lexa was in the same clothing ensemble that she was a week ago, a t-shirt and sweat pants. But this time, her hair was more unruly, her eyes had dark circles around them, and showering was no longer a priority. All the blinds in her apartment were down; it was an abyss of disarray. Boxes of Chinese takeaways overflowed from the bin, her refrigerator was empty, and books and notes were all over the place. Her computer laid coolly on her desk, gathering dust.

The banging was unrelenting; Lexa had a headache. So, she stumbled several times until she was able to open the door to a fuming brunette.

“What the crazy hell is up with you, girl?” The brunette eyed Lexa from head to toe. Lexa squinted as sunlight entered the apartment as soon as she opened the door.

“Hello, Raven.” Lexa mumbled as she headed towards her bedroom.

“Oh no, you don’t.” Raven grabbed her by the shoulders. “Go take a shower, you stink.” Raven directed her towards the bathroom. “Actually, your entire apartment stinks!”

“Let me rot, then.” Lexa struggled weakly.

“Look, Lex.” Raven turned Lexa towards her; they were eye to eye now. “Lexa Woods had her heart broken a week ago but Heda Hedwig still has a deadline with her publisher.” Raven was referring to Lexa’s nom de plume. It’s quite redundant but it’s catchy and Heda Hedwig’s _Ark of Darkness_ series has become the latest pop culture phenomena amongst teens. “Your readers are waiting, Lex.”

“My readers are waiting for me to take a shower?” Lexa jested.

“Very funny, Heda. But as your agent, I am here to make sure that you meet your deadline and your editor won’t kill you!” Raven urged.

“I can’t even lift my pen, Rae.” Lexa sighed.

“You don’t need a pen, Lex. Start typing away in your computer, that’s what it is for.” Raven wisecracked.

“She cheated on me with her director, you know?” Lexa scoffed.

“Wait, how did you find out?” Raven gathered, her expression softened.

“I may have placed myself under a rock for a week but I have a television set, you know? Plus, it’s everywhere, even in the tabloids. _Headline: Costia Greene is now cozy with director, Luna Rivera_. _Three-year relationship with author just ended_!” Lexa remarks with a talk show host tone.

“Look, Lex, I know it sucks but you have to move on from this. I’m not just saying this as your agent; I’m also saying this as your sister-in-law.” Raven huffed.

“So, the publisher did not send you? Anya did?” Lexa pressed.

“Just quit being a smart ass for a second and listen, okay? Can you do that for me?” Raven puffed.

Lexa nodded, raising both her arms in defeat.

“Look, I can always bend your deadline to a certain extent. This environment is not good for your head, all the gossip, all the memories in this place. You’ll never finish anything, you’ll never move on. Take a break, Lex. Go away for some time; take your manuscript with you. Just breathe for a second.” Raven advised.

“Where should I go, Rae?” Lexa crossed her arms over her chest.

“You always wanted to go to Bora Bora but you never had the chance.” Raven wiggled her eyebrows.

* * *

Two days later, Lexa arrived in Korupe Resort and Spa in Bora Bora. The weather was warm and sunny and Lexa’s skin started to gain color.

“So, you’ll be staying with us for a week, Ms. Woods?” The cheery receptionist greeted her.

“Yes,” Lexa answered concisely and she handed some documents to the receptionist. She had long thick black hair, big expressive brown eyes, and sun-kissed skin.

“So, I am Octavia, you can call me anytime from your bungalow. You’ll be staying at the Hautau, this is one of our overwater bungalows with a portion of a glass floor, so you can see the crystal blue waters below you. It also has a deck, so you can view the ocean at will. It is safe to swim beneath your bungalow but make sure that you are within the safe zone demarcated by our buoys. But don’t worry, security measures are always in place, you won’t even notice it.” Octavia grinned.

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about it, I’m not really gonna spend most of my time swimming. I just need to clear my head.” Lexa made a coy smile.

“I see, every guest to their own comfort. But if you’re interested with activities within the island, just let me know. The bar is open 24/7 and just give us a ring for any of the services we offer.” Octavia explained. “Lincoln here will take you to your bungalow.” A broad-shouldered man in a colorful shirt and khaki shorts approached Lexa. Lexa noticed an intricate patterned tattoo that flowed from his bicep to his forearm as he lifted her bags.

“This way please, madam.” Lincoln was quiet as they exited the reception hall. Then, several meters across the hall were several bungalows and some of them were indeed overwater. Lexa marveled at the blueness of the ocean and the sky, they looked so vast and limitless. Perhaps Raven was right; this is the break that she needed.

Lincoln led her to her villa, it had a massive king-sized bed, a comfortable-looking couch and accent chair, and an oval-shaped coffee table was planted on top of the glass floor, it looked like a fish above water. There was a desk and lots of closet space and a massive television set. The ceiling was high in an A-frame cladded with bamboo in chevron pattern. The balcony had two lounge chairs with the view of the ocean. It cost her a fortune but this indeed is a much needed break.

“Enjoy your stay, Ms. Woods.” Lincoln was about to bade Lexa farewell when the brunette stopped him in his tracks.

“Hey, Lincoln, are there any bars here?” Lexa inquired. She might as well indulge herself at this point.

“The bar is open 24/7, Ms. Woods.” Lincoln informed.

“I don’t really like spending most of my time with retirees and playboys, if you know what I mean. Where do locals go for a good night out?” Lexa clarified.

“I know what you mean,” Lincoln grinned. “There are some places.”

“LGBT-friendly?” Lexa knew that she was aiming high but it doesn’t hurt to ask.

“Most places are but there’s this one place in particular,” Lincoln beamed. “Let me draw you a map but Octavia and I can take you later.”

* * *

“So, your friend owns this place?” Lexa asked. Lincoln and Octavia brought Lexa to a charming little bar already quite near the small villages. The bar was called _Aita pe’a pe’a,_ which according to Lincoln only means “no problem” in Tahiti. There was a small faded rainbow flag behind the bar. There were heavy wooden chairs and tables all around, the semi-circular bar was brightly lit, and in a small stage was a man and his guitar in the midst of a performance. The place was filled with locals and a few tourists, people were talking loudly, laughing, engaging. It has been a while since Lexa has been to a bar. She was dressed in a summer linen long-sleeved shirt with a few buttons popped open and the sleeves folded to her elbow, distressed pair of jeans and flip-flops.

“What can I get you ladies?” Lincoln asked Lexa and Octavia.

“A whiskey sour if they have it, thank you.” Lexa replied.

“A beer for me, IPA if Clarke still has those.” Octavia shouted after Lincoln. 

Lexa found out during the evening that Lincoln and Octavia were engaged and that Octavia’s family owned the spa resort but she liked to stay at the front of the house, keeping tabs of everything. Lincoln was usually there to help out and show the guests around the island. Octavia’s older brother manages all the other businesses of the family within the island.

“Look, who’s still sober at ten o’clock.” Lincoln was back with their drinks and a blonde a trailing behind him. Lexa was mesmerized at first glance; her eyes were as blue as the ocean and her hair as radiant as the sands. She was wearing a red camisole tank top and cut off shorts, she was barefoot.

“Hey, you didn’t tell me that you guys had a guest.” The blonde was eyeing Lexa.

“She’s a guest at the resort; we are just showing her around. Lexa Woods meet Clarke Griffin, bar owner.” Octavia introduced.

“Hi, Lexa, tourist.” Lexa extended her hand apprehensively.

“Clarke, with an ‘e’.” The blonde smiled, she had a firm grip but soft hands.

“Like Sir Arthur Charles Clarke?” Lexa looked amused.

“Well, you do know your science-fiction, my dad was into that.” Clarke grinned. “So, what brings you to this side of the hemisphere?”

“Uhm, it is…a long story.” Lexa stuttered.

“That’s fine; I have all the time in the world.” Clarke grinned.

Lincoln and Octavia exchanged knowing looks.

* * *

As the night got deeper, the bar became livelier. People were already in the dance floor with Lincoln and Octavia in the middle of it all. Lexa and Clarke remained at their table, their conversation getting deeper as well.

“You haven’t really answered my question, what brought you here?” Clarke probed.

“Like I’ve said, I’m a tourist.” Lexa grinned; she was already in her fifth drink.

“Bullshit, Lex!” Clarke remarked, she had a few drinks in her system as well. “I’ve been here for a decade now, I know tourists. You have couples on their honeymoon, retirees, retirees with young brides, adulterers, drifters, tramps, you name them, I’ve seen it all. But you, you’re alone and you are decent enough to be alone.” Clarke slurred.

“Alright, alright,” Lexa was amazed at how the blonde could easily disarm her. After all, it’s just a week in this island, no harm talking to strangers. “I’m an escapist.”

Clarke’s expression softened. “What are you escaping from or maybe who?” Clarke took a swig of her beer.

“A three-year old relationship, just down the drain.” Lexa puffed.

“It was sudden, huh?” Clarke muttered, she looked more sober at this point.

“Just like a bullet through my heart. You never really feel it because it happens so fast but then you’re numb, you’re dead.” Lexa pounded on her chest. “I was too busy working not to notice that she was already banging her co-worker for a year.”

“That’s harsh!” Clarke exclaimed. “Wow, a year!” Clarke realized.

“I know, right. I was just oblivious and stupid. Serves me right being cooped up in my apartment writing all the time. Maybe she was right, half of the time I was in some fantasy-world.” Lexa scoffed.

“Wait, what? You’re a writer? What do you write? Anything I know?” Clarke suddenly got excited.

“It’s for kids, I’m sure you’re not into that stuff.” Lexa chuckled.

“Try me,” Clarke dared. “Half of my life in this island I have spent reading.”

“Ark of Darkness.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke’s eyes lit up. “No way! Heda Hedwig? I’m actually having drinks with Hedwig? You should sign my shirt.”

“You read my stuff?” Lexa was caught dumbfounded. “I can give you a signed copy, Clarke. No need to ruin a shirt.”

“Look, there’s not a lot of lesbian or pansexual fiction out there, so, I read what I can. Plus, it’s for young adults, not kids.” Clarke corrected.

Lexa could only smile. Not because Clarke reads her books, well, partly because of that but Clarke emphasized that she was into lesbian fiction. _There you go again, Lexa, putting your guard down, you just met this girl,_ she scolded herself internally.

“I cater to an eighteen to twenty-two year old demographic.” Lexa remarked.

“Ouch! How dare you scorn a fan? Even if I am in my mid-twenties, you don’t have the right say that.” Clarke jested.

“Really? Mid-twenties? I’m thirty-three, Clarke.” Lexa bantered.

“And Jesus saved the world from their sins at that age, what have you done Heda?” Clarke quipped.

“I’m inspiring a generation.” Lexa pronounced nonchalantly.

Clarke just beamed at her. “You’re full of crap Hedwig! I’m in my mid-thirties, alright, thirty-five,” She shoved her lightly. “So, what’s gonna happen at the Valley of Eyes?” Clarke was fishing for details.

“The next installment is still pending because Hedwig got her heart broken.” Lexa was sullen once again. 

“So, that’s why you are here.” Clarke realized.

“Don’t worry; I’ll get my head straight soon.” Lexa pronounced.

“We wouldn’t want that, would we? For you to be straight?” There was a hint of flirtation in Clarke’s tone.

“Not like that,” Lexa smirked. “You know what I mean.”

“Well, there’s plenty of fish in this ocean.” Clarke winked.

“Speaking of fish, you seem to be a fish out of water. Where are you originally from, Clarke?” Lexa wondered.

“Arkadia,” Clarke replied.

Lexa could not help but smile at that fact. “But you’ve decided to settle here?”

“Well, it’s just a long time ago; I followed my heart to this island. I fell for a boy and then we fell out of it and soon enough, I fell in love with the island.” Clarke explained. “I co-own this place with Octavia’s brother, the split was amicable, and so we are still friends. We’re business partners now.”

“That’s interesting…” Lexa noted.

“What is?” Clarke captured Lexa’s gaze once again.

“To be friends with your ex.” Lexa raised.

“Oh, trust me; it was a showdown, Lex. You should have seen us before; we almost divided the island into half. But Bellamy and I are fine now, he moved on with this supermodel. I moved on with, er, people.” Clarke took another swig of her beer.

“With people? How do you move on with people, Clarke?” Lexa chuckled.

“Want me to show you, Lex?” Clarke hummed and at that very moment, Lexa knew that she was in deep trouble.

* * *

Clarke bounced on top of her; Lexa was two-fingers deep within Clarke. They were on their third round for the night and it was almost dawn. Clarke’s breaths were becoming shallower and Lexa knows that she was near. Lexa moved her thumb towards Clarke’s clit and the blonde gasped at the contact, her other hand held firmly onto Clarke’s waist. Both of Clarke’s hands were palming her breasts. Soon enough, the blonde’s movements became less coordinated and with a loud yelp, Lexa felt liquid pool below her stomach, above her pelvic bone. 

“Oh my God, I just did it with Heda Hedwig.” Clarke collapsed beside Lexa.

Lexa enveloped her in a sweaty embrace and a deep kiss. “You keep saying that all night, I’m starting to think that you just want me for my popularity.”

“It’s like every fangirl’s wet dream.” Clarke smiled to herself.

“You had a wet dream about me before, Clarke?” Lexa chuckled.

“Don’t be smug about it! You inject some pretty explicit stuff you know and now I know that everything just doesn’t come from your imagination.” Clarke poked her shoulder. They were now entangled in a sea of blankets and pillows in Lexa’s king-sized bed. The fresh sheets were now soiled of sweat and sex. “Wow! I can’t get over it. I just did it with Heda Hedwig.” Clarke chanted again.

They were both silent for a while, looking at the ceiling as if it was the most interesting thing there is.

“So, you won’t really tell me what’s going to happen at the Valley of Eyes? Will Alessia and Naila survive it?” Clarke suddenly blurted out; she was referring to the main characters in Lexa’s book.

“I told you, I’m not telling you anything.” Lexa chuckled at Clarke’s persistence.

“Alright then, say goodbye to the greatest sexual encounter of your life!” Clarke teased threatening to get out of bed as she wiggled out of the covers.

“Is this a threat?” Lexa jolted up and playfully pinned Clarke down.

“Just when I thought sleeping with the author would get me ahead.” Clarke badgered, leaving a soft peck on the tip of Lexa’s nose. “Maybe I should change my strategy.”

“I don’t think you’re capable of pulling off an Annie Wilkes.” Lexa chortled.

“So, you like it rough, huh?” Clarke flashed a seductive smile.

“You know your Stephen King novels, huh?” Lexa looked pleased. “But I would do like to keep my limbs.”

“I told you just because I got beach hair doesn’t mean I’m illiterate.” Clarke retorted.

“But you’re right about one thing Clarke.” Lexa started to pepper Clarke’s neck with kisses.

“About what?” Clarke mustered a response while being distracted with Lexa’s kisses.

“You have been the greatest sexual encounter of my life.” Lexa whispered to her ear.

“Well, Heda, you have seen nothing yet!” On that note, Clarke switched their positions and gave Lexa a fiery look, she was like a lioness who was about to pounce on her prey.

Clarke soon engulfed Lexa in a searing kiss; it was powerful and full of yearning. They continued pleasing each other until the sun had emerged on the horizon.

“There’s something calming about the ocean.” Lexa was snuggled to Clarke’s shoulder now, quite satiated, too weak to move. They were entwined skin to skin, their limbs twirled around each other, their hair cascaded on the pillows, a contrast of dark and light.

“Who do I have to thank?” Clarke muttered.

“Huh?” Lexa was confused.

“The woman who broke your heart and brought you here.” Clarke whispered to Lexa’s ear, she nibbled on her earlobe in the process.

“Costia Greene” Lexa sighed.

“That detective on TV?” Clarke raised an eyebrow. “Your ex-girlfriend is an actor?”

“Unfortunately,” Lexa groaned.

“I never could have guessed.” Clarke was in disbelief.

“Why so?” Lexa was intrigued by Clarke’s reaction.

“I don’t know, well, I don’t know her but it just feels like you two are very different people.” Clarke was drawing circles with her finger on Lexa’s collarbone.

“Well, we are, as most people say. But she was different before TV. She was a struggling actress, I was struggling, too.” Lexa hummed.

“She shouldn’t have hurt you.” Clarke stated.

“It was bound to happen. I mean look at us, we both experienced hurt, probably, so we can be better for the next person. After all, we are quite daring now. I have never slept with anyone after knowing them for one night.” Lexa spelled out.

“Well, I couldn’t say the same thing for myself, but all I can say is that I have never been captivated by someone so fast.” Clarke admitted.

“Are you sure it’s not just the fangirl talking again?” Lexa teased.

“You’re really so full of yourself, Woods.” Clarke slapped Lexa on the buttocks.

“Hey, I had my share of indecent proposals.” Lexa winked.

Suddenly there was this silence between them. Each one too afraid to disclose what was happening so fast.

“Will you still be here in the morning, Clarke?” Lexa looked at blue eyes.

“It’s already morning, Lex.” Clarke cupped Lexa’s chin and kissed her once again.

* * *

When Lexa woke up, it was already mid-afternoon. Her head was throbbing and she could barely open her eyes. Bright light seeped through the windows but someone was kind enough to put down the shades. Then it occurred to her, _I slept with someone_! She noticed that the other side of the bed was already cold and her naked form was wrapped in a blanket like a burrito. Lexa jolted upright, she then began to ask herself, _did I imagine it? Was Clarke real?_ Lexa couldn’t feel her muscles, she had never felt this sore before. _No, she didn’t imagine it,_ everything felt too real. But where was Clarke? Why was she alone?

Lexa got up and found a clean fluffy robe inside the closet. She put it on and started to walk around the room. That’s when she noticed that there was a tray of food and coffee by the breakfast nook. There was a plate of fruits and a savory crepe. Beside it was a glass of water and two tablets of ibuprofen. There was a small note under the glass of water; _I got you breakfast and something for the headaches and all the other aches. I didn’t want to wake you, you were so peaceful. Just needed to check on some things at work. See you at the bar later. C._

Lexa smiled at the note, so, Clarke was real and she wasn’t just imagining things. Maybe Raven was right all along, she just needs some rest and recreation. Lexa decided to have breakfast and take a quick shower. She then brought her laptop to the balcony. She reclined on the lounge chair and started typing on her computer. Surreal: the disorienting, hallucinatory quality of a dream; unreal; fantastic, that is what Lexa is feeling right now. She did not notice that it was already time to meet Clarke until the skies had already darkened in hue.

Lexa put on a navy summer dress with white floral prints, she felt like dressing dainty for Clarke tonight. She wore a pair of flat strappy sandals, her feet sunk into the warm sand while she walked. She tried to find _Aita pe’a pe’a_ on her own, too embarrassed to ask Lincoln or Octavia for directions once again. But who was she fooling, once housekeeping takes note of how soiled her sheets were last night, Lincoln or Octavia may immediately find out anyway. 

With the help of a few locals, Lexa was able to reach _Aita pe’a pe’a_ in one piece. She smirked as she saw the familiar façade. However, as she got closer she realized that the bar seemed to more packed and the music coming from inside seems to be a little bit louder. It looked like a different bar from what she went to last night.

“Hey, what’s up tonight?” Lexa just coolly asked a passer-by carrying drinks back to his table.

“Oh, it’s just casual karaoke night.” The man replied. “But wait till midnight, things will get a little more interesting.” He winked and went on his way.

Then Lexa grasped what the patron meant. As she looked at the stage where the somber guitar player used to play a night ago, there was a stool and a projector screen. A floppy-haired man with a long stubble wearing a black muscle shirt and tight pants stood at the stage.

“Allow me dedicate this song to the one and only Clarke Griffin!” The man pointed at the bar. Clarke was standing behind the counter; she was helping their bartender pour drinks. She paused for a while and looked at the man who had just caught her attention. Clarke gave a curt wave as the crowd cheered. She was wearing a black vintage muscle cut stringer and a maroon bandeau underneath, her distressed denim shorts seem to be barely seen. Lexa wondered who this man was to Clarke and why he was devoting a song to her. _Was Clarke fooling around with a different person every night? Was Lexa wrong to think that they had something special going on? Get a grip, Lexa, you had just met her last night, she chastised herself. She was just excited because she read your books, that’s all. Maybe you were just part of some bucket list._

“ _Close your eyes, give me your hand, darling. Do you feel my heart beating? Do you understand_?” The man began to sing as he was maintaining eye contact with Clarke; Clarke just smirked at him. 

“ _Do you feel the same? Am I only dreaming? Is this burning an eternal flame?_ ” The man continued. Lexa thought that this was the cheesiest song. But what was the story behind it? She could not help but feel awkward at the moment. She felt her stomach churn and bile starting to rise up. She knew this feeling very well, the uncomfortable warmth, her sweaty palms, and the urge to heave. _Was she jealous of someone she doesn’t even know?_

“ _I believe it's meant to be, darling. I watch you when you are sleeping. You belong with me. Do you feel the same_?” The man sang louder and the crowd started to cheer again. Lexa felt so out of place, Clarke felt so far away. It felt like everyone in the room knew everyone else except for her.

“ _Am I only dreaming? Or is this burning an eternal flame_?” The man continued to croon. He didn’t have the best voice, it was decent enough but he exuded confidence.

“ _Say my name, sun shines through the rain. A whole life so lonely. And then come and ease the pain_.” He belted out more and the crowd went wild.

Lexa could not take it much longer. It felt like an out of body experience, as if she was a spectator and nobody was seeing her, not even Clarke. Clarke’s eyes were fixed on the man on stage and she seemed unaware of Lexa’s presence just several meters away from her.

“ _I don't want to lose this feeling, oh_ …” On that note, Lexa left the bar and headed back to her bungalow without looking back. 

* * *

“So, where is this hotshot author that you wanted me to meet?” Bellamy was seated at the bar counter pestering Clarke.

Clarke was already cleaning glasses, the karaoke-wild disco night had already ended and the place was almost empty. Clarke just sighed and remained quiet; she had this disappointed look painted on her face all night. _Didn’t Lexa get her note? Did Lexa think that she left without saying anything? Didn’t she see the breakfast she ordered for her? Or maybe Lexa didn’t care at all. Maybe she was just up for random one-night stands pretending that she was someone famous to get in the pants of fan girls. Clarke felt stupid; she was too old to be tricked._

“I saw her leave her bungalow early this evening, I thought she was heading this way.” Lincoln muttered as he took a swig of his beer.

“By the looks of how soiled your sheets were, I was thinking she would be back for more.” Octavia jested.

Clarke threw a dishcloth at her.

“Hey, housekeeping complained about it.” Octavia huffed playfully, throwing the dishcloth back to Clarke.

“Do you think I scared her away? I was probably such a fan girl! She probably thinks I’m petty now. Was the breakfast too much? Should I have waited until she woke up? Is she really who she says she is?” Clarke’s thoughts just dribbled out.

“Hey, hey, relax, girl. If you’re night was unforgettable as it sounds, I’m sure she has a reason.” Bellamy remarked. “I mean she probably got food poisoning or something, did you tell her not to eat at El Loco Loco, the food is worse as it sounds.”

“She’s legit, Clarke, she’s Heda Hedwig, her account is linked to Grounder Publishing, I confirmed her booking.” Octavia noted.

“Maybe she did came over and karaoke night was not her thing.” Lincoln assumed.

“Were you singing again?” Octavia elbowed her brother.

“Casual karaoke and disco night was my idea, I deserve opening act.” Bellamy professed.

“So, it was Bellamy’s singing then!” Lincoln declared and _boy, was he so right_.

* * *

Lexa woke up so early that she had finished several chapters of her book before sunrise. Actually, she did not have any sleep at all, sleep was a just a two-hour break from the moment she entered her bungalow and opened her laptop. She was glad that she got back to a newly vacuumed room and freshly changed sheets; there was no nagging reminder of her night with Clarke, whatsoever.

Writing had been helpful, though she realized that the chapters she wrote simply revolved around the complication in the relationship of her two heroes. Talk about how fiction mimics reality. After what happened with Costia and her current disillusionment with Clarke, she realized how angsty those chapters had gotten. But it was what she was feeling right now, life imitates art and vice versa, she’ll just probably think about edits later on.

As soon as she finished her notes for the next few chapters, Lexa thought about sleeping for a while. It was such a waste not to spend another sunny day exploring the island but she did what she came here for. After all, it wasn’t much of a vacation, it was just a change of pace to get her in progress again and meeting Clarke had probably helped her kick start things. It was just probably the way it is, she’s stuck with her notes and writing and life will just pass her by just throwing a few bits and pieces here and there. But before Lexa could plop back to bed, the intercom started ringing. Lexa hesitated to pick it up, she didn’t order anything, she certainly did not need anything, _why were they calling?_ She felt kind of anti-social for a while but she debated with herself, _what if there was an emergency?_ Anything can happen in the French Polynesia; she looked outside, the weather seems sunny, surely, there won’t be a storm surge or a volcano erupting at any moment. So, to calm her nerves, Lexa picked up at the next ring.

“Good Morning, Ms. Woods,” She recognized Octavia’s voice. “I’m sorry for calling you this early, hopefully, I didn’t wake you.”

“I’ve been awake for quite a while, it’s okay. Is something wrong?” Lexa’s tone was more business-like, after all, she was back to being a guest and Octavia was her host.

“Someone is here to see you at the lobby, should I send them up?” Octavia informed in a friendly manner.

Lexa furrowed her brows. _Who could be here to see her this early during the day? Did Raven follow her to check up on her?_ “May I know who’s looking for me?”

“I think you know who.” Octavia was being cryptic.

Then, it dawned at Lexa. It must be Clarke. There was silence on her end of the line.

“She just has a few questions for you but she wants to ask herself. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t intrude with your business but it is also our policy not to send guests of guests up to the bungalows unless they are authorized.” Octavia explained. “As a friend, I would like to do her a favor but as your host, I also respect your wishes. So, it’s either you meet them at the lobby, allow them to your bungalow or I can send them away. Totally up to you but I hope you don’t choose the latter.”

Lexa wasn’t the confrontational type. She actually felt petty now, _how could she explain to Clarke that she went to the bar but decided to leave?_ She didn’t realize that Clarke would seek her out anyway. Now, she just feels stupid. Realizing that she doesn’t want to make a scene at the lobby, she replies to Octavia, “Please send her to my bungalow, thank you.”

Grasping that she was about to see Clarke again, Lexa rushed to the bathroom to fix her hair and made sure that she looked presentable. She was still wearing the same dress but her eye bags were starting to form from the lack of sleep making her look slightly like a raccoon. But she didn’t have enough time to do anything about it, there was a series of soft knocking at her door. Lexa walked slowly towards the door, forming some script inside her head. But as soon as she opened the door, all her thoughts drifted away.

“I just came to check on you.” Clarke was wearing the same clothes, too.

“Come in.” Lexa whispered giving way for Clarke.

“Sorry, I came straight from the bar; I have so much sand on my soles.” Clarke removed her sandals as she noticed how immaculately clean Lexa’s bungalow was once again.

“Don’t worry about it.” Lexa closed the door behind her. “So, what do I owe this pleasure?” Lexa stiffened again; it felt like Clarke was a stranger once again.

“Shit! Now, I feel stupid.” Clarke chastised herself. “I should never have came here.”

Lexa just gave her a confused look. 

“Look, Lexa, I know you told me otherwise but I think you had been in this scenario a million times before. What I just want to say is that I’m not some crazed fan who’s hung up because I had an unbelievable phenomenal evening with an idol, believe me, I’m not. I don’t know if you saw my note, or whether I made the wrong move that just turned you off, I don’t really know what I did. But I promise, I won’t pester you nor will I follow you around in this island for as long as you are here. But I would just want to know one thing, what did I do wrong? What happened last night?” Clarke wondered, biting her lower lip. She bites her lip when she’s nervous.

There was an odd silence between them until Lexa started talking, “Those are two questions, Clarke. Should I only answer one?”

Clarke almost laughed at Lexa’s antics. “Oh my gosh, you really think I’m just silly, do you?”

“No, no, no,” Clarke was about to leave but Lexa instinctively stopped her with both hands on her arms. “I know it’s not funny, I shouldn’t be joking right now.” Lexa murmured realizing her mistake.

Clarke just raised her eyebrow at Lexa.

“Okay,” Lexa took a deep breath. “The truth is, Clarke, I am the most obstinate person that you might ever meet, I am very awkward in many situations. I don’t know how I even had girlfriends in the first place. I don’t usually like it when I am caught off guard and I’m also not the type to jump the gun right away, despite our circumstances. I can be calculating sometimes, rather too careful. I don’t like making a fool of myself like I am now, so usually I run before scenarios get really uncomfortable. Last night, I went to your bar, it was karaoke night or something and I guess I was just not ready for it. I don’t like being put on the spot either, so being alone for karaoke night just got into my nerves. I don’t like spotlights that’s why I have a pen name, so imagine how I would feel if ever I were pressed to perform on that tiny stage. I felt like a mouse with nowhere to run. When I saw that guy serenading you onstage, the confidence, the bravado. I don’t know who he was to you but I’m often fond of jumping into conclusions and realized that I can never be like that guy. Plus, everyone that night seemed to know everyone. I just felt lost, participatory theatre was never my cup of tea. Look, what I’m trying to say is that I just got so uncomfortable that I bolted.” Lexa finally ended her lengthy speech.

Clarke just fell silent trying to absorb everything that she had said.

“Can you please say something?” Lexa looked worried.

“Why didn’t you look for me?” Clarke slurred.

“I saw you, Clarke but you were in the spotlight.” Lexa confessed.

“Oh shit! It’s Bellamy and that song! I’m going to kill him!” Clarke realized. “It was too much isn’t it?”

“Bell…who?” Lexa was confused.

“Look, I’m terribly sorry not telling you about karaoke night. But Bellamy, my business partner orchestrates these gimmicks and the people love it. It’s some sort of a tradition for him to kick-off the evening. And the song! It was too much, was it?” Clarke tried to explain.

“Business partner…oh, that guy was your ex-boyfriend?” Lexa grasped.

“I told about him, remember? He does this performances to entertain people and to flatter me sometimes but that’s all there is, showmanship. Actually, I was excited to introduce you with each other; he seemed equally pumped as well.” Clarke clarified.

“Shit! Me and my assumptions, I’m so sorry for being such a downer Clarke. I haven’t really been confident with myself lately.” Lexa admitted.

“I can work with that. I’m also really sorry to assume that you were the play-it-by-ear type.” Clarke held on to Lexa’s hand.

“Can we start over? Can you pretend that I did not just make a fool out of myself?” Lexa smiled coyly.

“Of course,” On that note, Clarke dragged Lexa closer, holding on to her hips, engaging her in another stupefying kiss.

* * *

“How much time do we have, Lex?” Clarke whispered as she played with Lexa’s fingers. It was midday and they were still tangled in bed.

“I booked a week; I still have five more days left.” Lexa replied.

“I’m sorry; I talk like this is terminal.” Clarke chuckled softly to Lexa’s neck.

“Yeah, it does feel like it.” Lexa sighed.

“Oh c’mon, I’m sorry, it’s such a downer, I shouldn’t have asked.” Clarke realized.

“It’s okay; we know it’s inescapable anyway.” Lexa muttered.

“But you said you were an escapist, right?” Clarke taunted. “I say, let’s go escape together. What have we got to lose?”

 _Everything,_ Lexa thought silently.

So, the succeeding days in the island were spent in that manner. Clarke took a couple nights off from the bar, Bellamy was happy to let her. During daytime, Clarke would take Lexa around the island and do the usual touristy stuff; diving, snorkeling, island hopping, sampling local food. In the evening, they would either hang out with Bellamy, Octavia and Lincoln or just stay cuddled or have uninterrupted sex until sunrise. Lexa regretted her stasis and lack of exercise for the past couple of months. All their activities, the daytime and especially the nighttime had taken toll on her body. She ached in all the right places and she could not even wear bikinis without bothering to put waterproof-concealer, Clarke just marked her everywhere. Her body would have given up on her days ago, if not for Clarke, she was only so determined in spirit. She felt so sore but in the right way. They have done it in almost every position fathomable; Lexa was amazed by Clarke’s collection of toys. It felt like they were running against time and literally, they were. The past few days had been life changing for Lexa, she didn’t know that she could fall for someone so fast. For the past few days, they had evaded the inevitable expiration of their escape. The question was on the tip of Lexa’s tongue but she was too afraid to ask. Clarke seemed unconcerned, but she was just great at masking her emotions, it actually bothered her to the core. After lovemaking, she would just spend hours looking at Lexa’s sleeping form, trying to remember every detail, trying to log every inch. She thought of the days that would come after, will they survive it?

For Lexa’s last evening in Bora Bora, Clarke had invited her for a dinner at a restaurant. She didn’t feel like sharing Lexa with their other friends at the bar like they did most evenings, she just wanted her all to herself. Clarke was quiet all throughout their walk to the Yacht Club that served the best seafood and had the best selection of wine. Clarke just wanted to make this night memorable and she just didn’t want it to end.

Lexa was wearing an elegant burgundy dress; it highlighted her eyes and her now sun-kissed skin. Clarke donned a low hem dress with pink and blue floral prints. During dinner, they talked as usual; they talked about their favorite movies, books, and food. They discussed their worst and best travels. They talked about philosophy and even the belief in afterlife. When the fire-dancers started performing at the outdoor area next to the dining hall, Lexa was mesmerized. She could not help but look at the swirling flames. They were enjoying themselves, too careful not to address their impending parting right away.

When dinner was over, Lexa was surprised when she realized their next destination. For all the nights that they spent together, they had always stayed in Lexa’s room. This evening, Clarke was leading her to the inner part of the island to a small charming bungalow. The house was relatively small but it had a big yard. It had thatch roofing and was painted all white and an ample veranda was wrapped around it. Some of the furniture looked like they had seen better days, but this seemed better looking than the superficial villas. It looked lived in; it looked like a home.

“Is this your house, Clarke?” Lexa realized.

“Who’s could it be?” Clarke jested.

“You know, I couldn’t help but ask, once you open the door is there a torture chamber in there? Is this part of the story when you’re going to kill me now?” Lexa joked.

“You and your author’s paranoia.” Clarke chuckled.

As she opened the door, Lexa was charmed by what she saw. The house was filled with mismatched wooden furniture. Colorful patterned textiles were hung on the walls and draped on the furniture to make the room look softer. The house smelled of coconut oil and possibly some kind of citrus. This was Clarke’s home and she had allowed Lexa into her space. Lexa’s accommodations was a stage, this here is Clarke’s core.

“Make yourself at home.” Clarke directed as she entered the kitchen. “Would you want some coffee or tea?”

Clarke need not say anything to Lexa; her home reflected her life. It spelled out independence, comfort, security, and pride. Between the bar and her home, Lexa knew that Clarke was more secure than she was and never in her wildest dreams would she wish to uproot her. But the nagging questions was just bombarding her thoughts all night.

“Would you ever see yourself going home to Arkadia anytime soon?” Lexa blurted out.

Clarke was surprised at the question; she almost dropped the kettle. “This is home, Lex.” Arkadia is no longer home, Clarke thought. After her father passed away and her mother soon remarried and moved to a different continent, Arkadia was no longer home. That’s the reason why she followed Bellamy to Bora Bora, that’s the reason why she stayed. She had no one else to go back to.

“I understand.” Was all Lexa could say.

“I have no one else to go home to, Lex.” Clarke added to clarify her point; she saw the remorse in Lexa’s eyes.

“Of course,” It was too early to say, it was too early to tell. Clarke’s life is in this island, Lexa needs to accept that. She just couldn’t sweep her away without a life of assurance, even she is not on stable ground. But Clarke is and she couldn’t take that away from her.

“But home could be anywhere, Lex. Anywhere you make it.” Clarke straddled Lexa.

Lexa did not understood Clarke’s point at that moment. All she cared about was they were running out of time. As soon as Clarke captured her with her lips, she was a goner. She looked into those cerulean blue eyes and all she saw was the boundless sea. There was a storm brewing inside of her but she knew that all that mattered was the present. They shared another blissful evening, unwilling to let each other go. Lexa didn’t want to sleep, with the dread of what the following day may bring.

However, as the sun rose the next day, the air had cleared. Clare turned and realized that the other side of her bed was already cold. There was a note left on the side table: _I could not bear to look at you as we part. May we meet again._

Clarke had never cried since her father had passed, not even when she broke up with Bellamy. But today, despite the sunny weather, a storm had come and she could not fight it any longer.

* * *

Three months later…

“I don’t know what happened in your mini-vacation, Lex but your stuff is selling like hotcakes!” Raven hummed, putting her feet up on Lexa’s coffee table.

Lexa just gave her an annoyed look.

“Hear this! _Hedwig’s imagery has been so inspired; this installment deserves to be a modern Sapphic classic_!” Raven was reading critic’s reviews online.

“ _If Waters is to historical fiction as Highsmith is to psychological thrillers, then Hedwig redefines science-fiction_. Wow! This is a good one Lex! You are one with the deities from heaven!” Raven jumped from her seat.

“ _Brazen and brave, Hedwig normalizes queer characters in science-fiction_. Hmm, not so bad.” Raven continued to read on.

Lexa just sat there beside her, her thoughts drifting somewhere else. Specifically, to blue waters, white sand, pale blue eyes and blonde hair. After leaving Clarke with an obscure note, Lexa had locked herself up in her apartment to finish her book. She never talked about Clarke to anyone, not even to her sister or sister-in-law.

Her only comfort was to encrypt messages into the words of her characters as if she was talking to Clarke. Her heroes were doomed to part, to make ultimate sacrifices for the sake of their people. They came from warring states, two different species but they worked together to save their universe. It wasn’t the last installment yet, the ending for their story was yet to be written. Lexa knew that she should start working on it as not to cram another deadli0ne but she didn’t know how to end it, especially when her own has taken an abrupt conclusion. As they say, life imitates art; art imitates life.

“Alright Lex, don’t forget about the book signing event this weekend. You’re going to blow so many fan girls’ brains out!” Raven exclaimed as she got up the couch.

Lexa had agreed to finally reveal herself as soon as the fourth installment came out. Raven convinced her that revealing her identity might do more good than bad. As she is gaining popularity, she could inspire more people now, give talks, show them the face of a thriving lesbian and so on and so forth. Again, given the circumstances, what else has Lexa got to lose. Plus, she would also love to have the opportunity to talk to younger people.

* * *

The entire event was awe-inspiring; Lexa gave a short talk about how she came up with the concept of the series and how she is striving to help normalize queer characters. The turnout was overwhelming; she could not really see everyone’s faces because of the sea of heads that filled the small community bookstore that they decided to set the reveal. Lexa was trying to help community bookstores that are not part of the big chains. The venue was filled to the brim; when it was time for book signing, Lexa’s hand had felt numb holding a Sharpie. Her white button-down felt too restricting and her navy wash jeans felt too tight. She looked on at the line before her; it looked endless. Even though she was so tired, she took it as a good sign, so many people were able to relate to her work and she could only hope that she had helped them in one form or the other. Raven wanted to limit the book signing but Lexa reproached her. It was her first public appearance; her avid readers deserve this small effort from her at least.

So, for every person who came by, she mustered to make a smile for a photo and to be mindful to ask how they were. They were down to probably the last ten readers who came by and Raven could already see the end of the line emerge. Lexa was barely looking up, making sure that her handwriting was consistent and whether she spelled names right.

Lexa was handed another copy to sign. “Should I sign this to you?” Lexa barely looked up while addressing her next supporter.

“We meet again.”

Three simple words and Lexa had almost shut down. She was afraid to look up, she recognized the voice, and she blinked several times to make sure, if she was just imagining things.

As she looked up, the face that occupied her dreams stood before her. Blue like the sea, pale like the sand; she was washed away to paradise once again.

“You never gave me that signed copy that you said you would.” The blonde whispered.

Collecting herself, Lexa just smiled to herself and continued to scribble on the book. Raven looked frazzled; she tried to understand what was happening before her. Lexa handed the softcover back to the blonde and as their fingers touched, Lexa almost jolted from her seat

“Please wait.” Lexa whispered. She really hoped that she would, she needed to keep faith.

The blonde just nodded and walked back towards the entrance of the store all together. There were about five other people left in the line and Lexa managed to patiently finish her task. As soon as the last person had left, Lexa jerked from her seat and ran outside before Raven could even say anything. 

Lexa caught her breath when she saw the blonde standing outside, with her back rested on a lamppost, her eyes fixed on the book. She was wearing a leather jacket, a white t-shirt underneath, dark pants and a purple beanie on her head.

“Clarke,” Lexa uttered as she reached the blonde. Clarke placed a finger on her lip shushing her.

“Before you say anything,” Clarke inched closer; Lexa could feel her breath on her face. “So, that is what happened at the Valley of the Eyes.” Clarke chuckled.

“You could not fool the Valley of the Eyes; it sees through you, it shows who you are, what you want, what you feel, and who you see at the other end. Being trapped there showed them everything, Clarke.” Lexa replied. 

“I know, Heda, I have read it.” Clarke raised the book. “So, how much of our last night together did you write into this scene?”

“Everything.” Lexa replied curtly.

“If art imitates life,” Clarke slurred. “You should at least write Naila with a bigger bosom and Alessia with a firmer stomach, maybe add some abs?”

“I don’t have abs, Clarke?” Lexa retorted.

“Oh, who says you’re Alessia in this story?” Clarke teased.

“So, am I forgiven?” Lexa wondered.

“Come here!” Clarke pulled her close. “You’re so full of shit, Heda!” Clarke kissed her on the empty street. To Lexa it felt like coming home, home wasn’t a place at all, it was Clarke.

“Did you read the dedication page?” Lexa pulled away momentarily.

“Why do you think I’m here in the first place?” Clarke giggled.

It read:

_To Clarke,_

_See what happens in the Valley of the Eyes, until we meet again._

Below it was a big scrawl in Lexa’s loopy handwriting:

_I Love You. Lexa._

“Also, Lexa, I love you, too.” Clarke pulled Lexa in for another kiss. It was filled of longing, filled of want, their chests almost burst at the thought of being reunited once again.

There was a gentle pause after their kiss and they could only bump their heads softly together.

“So, who’s looking after the bar?” Lexa grasped as Clarke looped an arm around hers as they walk back to the bookstore with an utterly confused Raven standing at the threshold.

“Bellamy needs to pull his weight from time to time.” Clarke replied.

“Every night is karaoke night?” Lexa joked.

“Oh my gosh, I hope not.” Clarke dreaded the idea.

As they walked back, Lexa’s thoughts were racing.

“I won’t ask for how long you’ll be staying, I’ll rather ask if you would take me with you.” Lexa finally declared.

Clarke was stunned at the very least but it was an offer that she had been waiting for.

“Are you sure, Lex?” Clarke could not help but ask.

“I thought about it for so long, Clarke. I can work anywhere. Please let me go home with you.” Lexa pleaded.

“Home,” Clarke smiled at the thought. “Of course, anywhere you make it, Lex.”

* * *


	2. Unsteady

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke returns to Arkadia to collect her father’s ashes, Jake suddenly dies while living alone. While gathering Jake’s possessions, Clarke stumbles upon an old journal. Jake marks significant places in this notebook and Clarke embarks on a spontaneous trip. Clarke meets a fascinating stranger along the way. 
> 
> Inspired by the song Unsteady by X Ambassadors. 
> 
> “Hold on to me  
> 'Cause I'm a little unsteady”

* * *

There is something unfathomable with grief; it is because grief itself is a mystery? How does it start? Is it at the exact moment when the first teardrop falls? Is it when insomnia kicks in but you still will yourself to dream? Is it when you find yourself crumpled on the bathroom floor when a memory visits you? When does it end? When it does, how do you even know? A chapter ends and that’s all there is.

It was about a week ago when Clarke received that phone call from Arkadia Memorial Hospital. She was disarmed with disbelief, only eight words resonated in her memory. _We are sorry, we did what we could._ That was it, Jacob Griffin, sixty-four years old, dead on arrival. Her father lived alone, he was healthy a few months ago, but he suddenly had a heart attack. She could still remember that last phone call, that last boisterous chuckle. They talked about green smoothies and Jake had a laughing fit about it.

Clarke returned to Arkadia as soon as she could, medical school had to wait. No one else was there for Jake, even after death, he was alone. The divorce happened a long time ago and it was something that Clarke accepted and adjusted with. When she came of age, she decided to stay with her father. Her mother, Abby, remarried and was a continent away. Jake had no siblings, no close relatives; he just had Clarke.

Clarke arrived at the crematorium; there in a marble urn was everything that Jake once was. Just one glance at Jake back at the morgue and Clarke knew that she couldn’t bear to see Jake in a casket. Now, her father’s laughter, soothing words, and smiles were all dissolved into ashes, ashes that she now held in her arms. It was heavy, the grey stone was cold; it resembled everything at that moment. There was no warmth with phantom hugs, no deliverance from quiet words. The heart could only yearn for so long, what is only kept in visions when you close your eyes.

Clarke drove off in Jake’s blue truck from the dusty driveway of the crematorium. Clarke was following a trail, a trail that Jake had left. There was a journal at his night stand, there were significant places mentioned, a list of places to go. For whatever reason, Clarke does not know, all she knows is that they have to go. There were three places, Arkadia National Park, Mount Weather, and The Lighthouse. Was her father leading her to a path? What does this trail hold? As the car glides through the asphalt, Clarke fights to contain her tears. Should she have had taken him when he was still there? How much time did she miss? These questions drowned her into a bottomless pit of remorse.

Clarke stops by a gas station. After the truck was filled, she goes inside the store to grab some supplies. She had an overnight bag with her, a couple of clothes and toiletries. She could always pick up stuff along the way. She has no clue where she’s going, these were places in the outskirts of Arkadia. In the fringes is what her dad said. Places that she knew, places that she saw in books but she has not been to before. _What do you take with you to the fringes?_ Some people may know, others have no clue. Clarke starts walking towards the store. She was dressed in a black sweater over a black t-shirt, distressed denim pants, and a pair of worn hiking boots. Clarke held on the band of a silver watch on her wrist, it was oversized for now. It was her father’s, she will have it adjusted soon.

The door of the convenience store jingled signaling Clarke’s entry. There were a few people in the store; two bikers who just brought a couple packs of cigarettes and were on their way out, an elderly lady at the beverage section, and a tourist who was talking to the cashier. Clarke proceeded to grab some supplies; a basic first-aid kit, a couple of bottled water, some peanuts and trail mixes, protein bars, beef jerky, chips, and chocolates. She was not hungry but the drive might take more than a few days. There will be pit stops but the roads are always unpredictable. She debates on taking a bottle of gin but justifies that she might need it for sleep. Clarke carries her basket to the checkout counter and waits behind the tourist who was still there talking to the cashier.

“Buses don’t usually pass by this side of town, Miss, not since they were rerouted. Your best option is to try to hitch for a ride but the fellows here are always random, so it is quite unsafe.” Clarke tries her best not to eavesdrop but the cashier, a plump middle-aged man with salt and pepper hair was talking loud enough for her to hear.

“I guess I’m out of luck then.” The brunette huffed. “How far is the nearest hotel?” The woman furrowed her brows, she did not look worried, she looked disappointed. Her hair was tucked in a colorful bandana; she wore a vest over a plaid shirt, hiking shorts, long socks and sturdy looking boots. She carried a big hiking pack, one of those that reached the back of your head.

“If you’re looking for five star accommodations, we don’t have that here, just a couple of motels down the road but those are shady as shit, I tell you, too many weirdos. No place for the likes of you.” The cashier replied, looking concerned.

“I’ll try my luck then, thank you so much.” The woman exited the store carrying a bottle of energy drink.

The storekeeper eyed Clarke as he punched on the register, putting all of Clarke’s stuff in a bag. “I know it’s the modern day and it’s not unusual for women to travel alone and all but you ladies should always be careful. There are too many crazy motherfuckers out there, I’ve seen things.” He huffed.

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.” Clarke smiled at him meekly as she handed him her payment.

As Clarke exited the store, she saw that the brunette was still standing outside, next to her truck. She seemed to be looking at her phone, probably trying to navigate but the signal was probably weak from where they were. Clarke was not the one to just come up to strangers, she does not usually trust people, especially in unfamiliar places but the woman looked out of place. Clarke had this nagging feeling that she should help her; there were no other people around. But perhaps the next hour or so, who knows who she might encounter.

Resisting against her nature to mind her own business, Clarke approached the woman. “You seem lost.” She greeted.

“Lucky guess.” The woman wittingly beamed at her.

“How did you get here, anyway?” Clarke asked as she tossed her supplies on the dashboard of her truck.

“It’s a long story, it’s actually stupid.” The woman snorted.

“Try me.” Clarke leaned against her truck.

“I got off from my ride, it was an impulsive decision. I’m actually off to Mount Weather but something just went wrong along the road.” The woman left out details but Clarke understood, who would reveal so much to a stranger.

“And whoever you were with just left you here? In the middle of nowhere?” Clarke realized.

“I insisted upon it. I gathered my foolishness when it took me about an hour or so walking along the highway until I got to this station.” The woman laughed at herself. “I wasn’t thinking then. Just listened to my damn pride.” She kicked a loose stone on the ground with her boot. 

“Proud people breed sad sorrows for themselves.” Clarke remarked.

“Brönte?” The woman recognized the quote.

Clarke just flashed her a lopsided smile and nodded.

The woman suddenly raised her phone again; she squinted as she tried to remove the glare that the sun was casting on her phone screen.

“The signal is low in these parts; I don’t think you’ll be able to get an Uber.” Clarke snickered.

“I wasn’t trying to; I just wanted to check on the time.” The woman explained.

Clarke looked at her father’s watch instead, it was late in the afternoon, and the sun would be setting soon. “Didn’t you just say that you were on your way to Mount Weather?” Clarke recounted.

“Yeah, I still am, that’s the only place I know in these parts.” The woman looked hopeful.

Clarke debated against herself but this was a woman who read literature, she recognized Emily Brönte, maybe she is harmless. “You’re in luck. So am I.” Clarke eventually caved.

“Really?” The woman’s eyes shone.

“Are you coming or what?” Clarke opened the door to the passenger seat, motioning for the woman to hop on the truck.

“Are you sure?” The woman held on to the car door.

“Please get in before I change my mind.” Clarke already had her hands on the steering wheel.

The woman hastily removed her heavy backpack, placed it on the bed of the truck and shut the door as she settled herself on the passenger’s seat. The woman saw the marble urn tucked in the seatbelt in the middle of the bench but she did not say a word. Instead, she introduced herself. “I’m Lexa by the way.” She turned towards the blonde.

“Clarke.” The blonde mumbled as the truck’s wheels crunched on the asphalt.

* * *

“I don’t mean to be rude but…” Lexa eyed the urn that was next to her.

“That’s my dad, I know it’s weird but I’m taking him on a road trip.” Clarke did not remove her eyes from the road.

“It’s not weird at all, Clarke, not at all.” Lexa hummed. “So, it is a bucket list sort of thing?”

“Well, it’s too late for that, since you know, he’s already in that vessel.” Clarke made a sardonic smile. “But it is the least I could do.”

“So, Mount Weather, huh?” Lexa inquired.

“Among other places.” Clarke replied. “If you don’t mind, I have one more stop before we get to Mount Weather.”

“Of course, I don’t mind at all, I owe you. I’m just hitchhiking.” Lexa pointed out. “Never thought that I would ever get the chance to do this.” She added.

“Never hitched a ride before?” Clarke raised an eyebrow.

“Uhm, I guess I have never been this brash before.” Lexa snickered.

“Something off your playbook?” Clarke laughed quietly.

“If you knew me, it’s entirely abnormal.” Lexa replied. 

“So, who are you anyway, Lexa?” Clarke asked as they traversed the highway.

“You know people usually ask things like what you do for a living or where are you from. That’s a loaded question, Clarke.” Lexa retorted.

“Oh, I’m sorry; I’m not very good with social situations.” Clarke apologized.

“Neither am I, funny walking into you.” Lexa chortled. “But to answer your question, I’m an accountant.” Lexa answered.

“So, you’re good in math?” Clarke assumed.

“Everyone assumes that but I’m just average, just good with details.” Lexa responded.

“You’re the type who has everything planned out.” Clarke grasped.

“Well, I used to, just became too focused on my career to miss a detail this time.” There was a bite in Lexa’s reply. “Anyway, how about you, Clarke? What do you do apart from taking a road trip with your father’s ashes?”

“Studied medicine.” Clarke deadpanned.

“You’re a doctor?” Lexa sat up straighter.

“Technically, not yet. Haven’t saved a life, yet, including this one.” Clarke placed a hand on top of her father’s urn.

“I’m sorry about that.” Lexa expressed regret.

They were quiet for the rest of the drive.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa were too tired to go on so they decided to spend the night at the first motel that they stumbled upon. It had the typical neon lights, rundown atmosphere but they felt safer knowing that they were no longer alone. They decided to book a room with twin beds instead of booking two separate rooms; Lexa claimed that it was safer that way. After taking separate showers, they were laying on their own beds with the sound of the television playing a rerun of a gameshow droning in the background. Clarke opened the bottle of gin and offered some to Lexa, to which Lexa did not refuse.

“I can take my turn to drive tomorrow, if it’s fine with you.” Lexa was applying some lotion to her arm. She was wearing a tank top and a pair of shorts, Clarke tried not to leave lingering looks as Lexa stretched the muscles on her arms and legs while settling on her bed. Grief can sometimes cause recklessness and Clarke could not deny the fact that filthy thoughts had crossed her mind when Lexa stepped out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around her torso that night. It was actually one of the reasons why she walked up to Lexa at the gas station. She could not resist a beautiful woman, a lost beautiful woman at that. However, Clarke tried not to creep Lexa out, Clarke knew that she was bisexual but she did not know where Lexa stood at this point. All she knew about her was that she was a misplaced accountant dressed as a camper and that she noticed along the highway. Neither will see be able to live down the awkwardness just in case Lexa did not return her advances. Also, not to mention that Jake’s ashes were right beside her. Therefore, Clarke tried to clear her head as she took a shot of gin. Clarke noticed a small tattoo on Lexa’s forearm, it was some text written in script, and she could not make out what was written. She would probably like to find out someday but for now they were still strangers, strangers who seemingly happen to stumble upon each other in the most importune moment. When she took another shot of gin, Lexa gave her a sheepish grin.

“I’m just taking a few shots to fall asleep.” Clarke mumbled as she reclined on the headboard of her bed. She was wearing a grey t-shirt and her bottoms used to be part of an old pair of scrub suit.

“The first few months are often hard.” Lexa muttered as if she was speaking from experience.

“You also lost someone, too?” Clarke realized.

“My mother, lung cancer, she was terminal, we expected it. But it hurt, still does, even after ten years.” Clarke did not expect this from Lexa. “It will never leave you actually, the pain, the longing; you will carry it with you, especially if you were close. Were you close?” Lexa looked at the urn that sat on the side table between their beds. 

“Well, we only had each other for quite a while now, my parents are divorced and I wasn’t even here when it happened.” Clarke shared with glassy eyes. “He was my hero, still is.”

“How did it happen?” Lexa asked with a worried look.

“Heart attack. Never saw it coming. He was healthy but then again life has its inconveniences.” Clarke expounded.

“I would be a hypocrite if I told you that this will pass because trust me it never will. You’ll miss him every day, even with the small things. It’s actually the small things that hurt the most. I miss my mom’s cooking; I couldn’t eat lasagna for a while actually even until now. It stays with you but how you’ll handle it is what matters. I’m not religious, Clarke but I pray to my mom each day. That’s how I talk to her, I think she still hears me.” Lexa elucidated, then she took a shot of gin.

“You really think they hear us, see us?” Clarke looked skeptical.

“I can sense that you’re a woman of reason but I tend to believe in the spiritual, I think my mom hears me, weird as it may seem.” Lexa chuckled.

“You think so?” Clarke challenged.

“I know so.” Lexa chimed. “Like I asked to be saved today and then you came up to me.” Lexa flashed a smile that melted Clarke’s cynical heart.

* * *

They found themselves at Arkadia National Park the following day. They took a short hike and stumbled upon a small waterfall as they exited a path that was covered in a canopy of tall trees. The sight before them wasn’t exceptionally beautiful but it was placid, it was quiet. The rumbling of the waterfall soothed Clarke. It felt like all the heaviness of her heart was lifted away from her, she closed her eyes as he felt the cool air around her. No wonder Jake thought of this place, it was inconspicuous. Jake loved those little details; he loved things that go unnoticed. The nature reserve was always there, not a lot of people appreciated it. Jake loved seeing the beauty in the unseen and the park was the perfect metaphor.

Clarke was prying the urn open when Lexa came up beside her. “You’re leaving some of him behind?” She asked tentatively.

“He talked about going on a trip with me for quite a while but between med school and life at the city, I was never able to come home for this. I’m not really sure if he went alone once but I guess this place means a lot to him.” Clarke took a small handful of Jake’s ashes and released it into the wind. The wind carried it towards the direction of the waterfalls.

“I think he’s proud of you.” Lexa muttered.

Clarke just looked at her indignantly.

“C’mon,” Lexa pulled her close, Clarke still held Jake’s urn close to her stomach. “Close your eyes and just listen.” Lexa whispered to her ear. Lexa had both of her hands rested on Clarke’s shoulders, Clarke gulped at the sudden proximity but Lexa maintained a respectful distance. She could feel the heat of her body though, standing behind her. But as she closed her eyes under Lexa’s direction, all she could hear was the distant waterfall, she could smell the woodlands, and she could feel the ground on her feet. At first, she felt nothing and then something. As if her thoughts had drifted back to the moment when she was still a child nuzzled in Jake’s chest, she saw Jake and his golden head of hair, she heard him laugh, she heard him sing, as if she could smell his cologne, feel the rough patch of hair growing on his chin. All the memories came flooding back, how she wished she could still hug him one last time but he was gone like a wisp of smoke, his absence so resounding. Jake was gone, far away and Clarke’s heart was longing for comfort, for his words, his touch. It was at this moment that Clarke had finally accepted that he was truly gone. She was in denial for quite some time, carrying his urn around as if he was still there. Too overwhelmed with her feelings Clarke turned and just collapsed into Lexa’s arms. She held Jake’s urn close to her chest but she sobbed on Lexa’s shoulders. Without hesitation, Lexa wrapped her arms around her to steady her. It was as if Lexa knew her anguish; Lexa felt it and she just let her be. Clarke’s cries echoed into the woods but she did not care, it was the most removed place that Jake picked for her to allow herself to finally crumble into her heartache.

* * *

“I’m so sorry about earlier.” Clarke and Lexa found themselves at a roadside dinner a few miles from Arkadia National Park.

“Don’t be. I told you, I know people hate this but I actually know how it feels. I have been there, remember?” Lexa assured as she looked at the menu.

Before Clarke could answer, the waitress had approached them for their order.

“Hmm, buttermilk chicken and some waffles.” Lexa ordered. “And let me guess, bacon, eggs, and toast?” Lexa looked at Clarke for confirmation.

Clarke simply nodded with a euphoric smile. “And a refill please.” She motioned at her now empty cup of coffee. The waitress repeated their orders and just went away while chewing some gum.

“How do you know?” Clarke asked amusingly. 

“That you’re a bacon and eggs kind of girl?” Lexa raised an eyebrow as she fiddled with sugar packets. “Just a hunch I guess. An ex-girlfriend told me once that I have heightened intuition.”

Clarke caught on at the last statement in surprise. “Ex-girlfriend, as in?”

“Gosh, you’re not homophobic are you? Because I think I can be on my way if you want me to. I saw a bus station on our way here.” Lexa jolted from her seat.

“Relax, Lexa.” Clarke chuckled. “I’ve dated women.”

“You’re not one of those experimental types, are you?” Lexa narrowed her eyes.

“I’m bisexual.” Clarke confirmed.

Lexa’s smile reached her ears. “I should have gotten you sausages and muffins, instead.” She teased.

“Ha ha, very funny.” Clarke mocked. “Wonder what else your girlfriend sees in you.” Clarke made the statement for a reason.

“Probably, not enough and she went looking for it from my brother in law.” Lexa spat back.

“Huh?” Clarke was shocked at Lexa’s reaction.

“I’m sorry,” Lexa apologized right away. “The reason I was alone at that highway was that I jumped out the car.”

“You what?” Clarke reacted.

“Well, not literally. You see, I was on this trip with my then girlfriend; we were off to Mount Weather. She’s what you call a wilderness enthusiast or whatever, she has all this hiking gear, claimed to love camping.” Lexa spoke with air quotes. “Just some hobby she picked off from her officemates. She won’t shut up about climbing these mountains, she had a list. You see I’m really not so athletic; I’m more of your coffee shop, theater going, walk in the park type of girl but then she was into it, so, why not jump into the fad as well. She went on several climbs with her friends and I often stayed behind, not my scene. Also, things weren’t going so well lately, she felt quite detached. I knew that I needed to step up or something, try to rekindle the flame. So, I surprised her with this trip for her birthday, just the two of us, a romantic hike. But as we were driving out here, I just received a call from my sister no less. She found out about their affair, has been going on for months. Nudes of my ex were all over my brother in law’s phone.” Lexa paused to take in some air. “The best part was she did not deny it. Felt like she did it to spite me. I knew something was wrong for a while; I was just too scared to admit it. Too afraid of being alone, so I settled with what I had. I couldn’t look at her, I didn’t know what to do. There was a shouting match in the middle of the highway. I just wanted to be by myself, to think. I was so mad; I took my pack and walked away. She trailed after me with a car for some time but I stood my ground and so, just like that she drove away, left me in the middle of nowhere. Didn’t even bother to call to check on me whether vultures ate me up along the way. We were together for two years.” Lexa sighed.

Clarke was caught dumbfounded but after Lexa’s short speech, their orders arrived.

“What the fuck!” Clarke cried out. “That’s some shit.”

“I know, right?” Lexa chuckled. “But I never felt so free, Clarke. For the first time, walking on that road without purpose, I really did not feel so lost. It felt quite liberating actually, like being in an adventure. I have never done anything like this before.”

“Wow!” Clarke looked impressed. “That’s great but no one is filing a missing person’s report, aren’t they? I mean you’ve been gone for more than 24 hours.”

“My sister knows I’m good, I just need some time for myself.” Lexa relayed. “I don’t want to go home to that circus, yet.”

“But you’re still going to Mount Weather?” Clarke speculated.

“Yeah, I think so, maybe I just wanted to know what the fuss was about.” Lexa wondered.

“Well, if dad thinks it’s worth it, I guess it is.” Clarke guaranteed as she began to chomp on the bacon on her plate.

* * *

“I’m so out of shape!” Lexa wheezed as they reached the summit of Mount Weather.

“C’mon, Lexa.” Clarke looked blissful. She settled on a jutting piece of rock with Jake’s urn on her lap.

They reached the summit just in time to witness the sunrise. Lexa carefully settled beside Clarke. The skies were painted blue with tinges of yellow and orange.

“Are you okay, Lex?” Clarke held on to Lexa’s elbow. Ever since Lexa had spilled her guts out to Clarke at the diner, she noticed that Clarke was more affectionate towards her. For some reason, Clarke did not mind the arduous hike without a hint of preparation, while Lexa admitted that she went into some form of training before this trip. Clarke though carrying Jake in a backpack was more agile and would even slow down or assist Lexa when the elevation was too steep. Lexa had muscles to spare but she knew that Clarke had the endurance despite her thinner frame.

“Did I tell you that I also don’t do well with heights?” Lexa mumbled under her breath.

“Ow, the things that you were willing to do for that girl.” Clarke snorted. “Was she so hot?” She wiggled her eyebrows at Lexa.

“More than average.” Lexa replied. She wanted to reply, _not as hot as you are_ but the flirting was probably not so appropriate at the moment.

“I’ll take your word for it.” Clarke settled with the thought.

For a while, they were seated in silence, shoulder to shoulder. Lexa was wearing a tank top and hiking shorts and a sheen of sweat covered her limbs and forehead. Clarke was equally breathless and clammy but she was wearing a t-shirt and pants.

“This is beautiful; I wish you had seen this, dad.” Clarke breathe.

“Haven’t it crossed your mind?” Lexa realized.

“What?” Clarke wondered.

“That even if he wasn’t around, he still wanted you to see this, anyway.” Lexa contemplated.

Then, it hit Clarke, there was certainly more to life than hitting milestones. That her career was not all who she is. Jake had wanted her to see this magnificence, that there are still so many things in the world that actually matter. If only we let go of our tethers and the ties that drag us down.

“I never wanted to be a doctor.” Clarke suddenly confessed.

Lexa looked at her with pride. “Then what would you have been, Clarke?”

“Probably, a baker or furniture maker.” Clarke answered in a heartbeat.

“Why weren’t you?” Lexa wondered. 

“When I was a kid, my mother inculcated in my young mind that I only either be a doctor like her or a lawyer, that all other professions were irrelevant. So, I studied medicine, I thought it was the best way for me to contribute.” Clarke explained.

“Yeah, we really shouldn’t be deciding on our futures at such a young age.” Lexa agreed.

“How about you? What would you be if not an accountant?” Clarke challenged.

“Honestly, I don’t know what else I could do, I’m actually quite contented with my work but if you ask me what else I could do, I wouldn’t mind being an ornithologist.” Lexa grasped.

“That’s oddly specific.” Clarke laughed.

“I just think there’s something intriguing about birds. How they could just take flight whenever they want to. How their wings work in the expanse of the sky. How they see things from above, always looking at the ground beneath them. Just to jump off a cliff without falling but hovering on air and exploring.” Lexa had a small smile painted on her face.

“We can still do that, you know.” Clarke declared.

Lexa narrowed her eyes.

“Change our path, of course, not jump off a cliff.” Clarke mindlessly placed an arm around Lexa’s shoulder. “Is this okay?”

“More than okay.” Lexa beamed.

“So, is this where we part?” Clarke whispered.

“Would you want that?” Lexa’s question was loaded.

“We’re in Mount Weather. Now, you know what the fuss is about.” Clarke reminded her.

“Where are you off to next?” Lexa inquired.

“The lighthouse at Franko, that’s last on the list.” Clarke replied.

“Would you mind if I still tagged along?” Lexa asked tentatively.

“Would you want that?” It was Clarke’s turn to ask.

“I don’t want to go back just yet, not just yet.” Lexa answered.

As another handful of Jake’s ashes drifted off the wind, Clarke and Lexa went down from Mount Weather, with a skip in their step and a prickle in their heart, realizing that there was more to life than what they initially thought.

* * *

Clarke and Lexa had found themselves in a small inn near the Franko Lighthouse that evening. They had been so exhausted from their hike that they did not mind taking the last room from the inn without inquiring of its state. There was a tour group in town and the sole inn was already almost full. Perhaps it was the most charming site in Jake’s list but it was late when they arrived and after a quick dinner at the inn, they had decided to retire for the evening.

When they got to their room, Clarke realized that there was only one bed. It was a double bed, probably wide enough to fit their lithe frames but it does not render enough privacy like twin beds would.

“It’s okay Clarke, I don’t mind at all.” Lexa saw Clarke’s face as she walked passed by her at the threshold.

“Are you sure?” Clarke placed Jake’s urn on the sideboard by the door.

“It’s fine, unless you mind?” Lexa raised the question.

“I’m good; this is the only option anyway.” Clarke sighed.

“You look disappointed.” Lexa snickered as she went to remove her hair from a messy ponytail. Lexa was walking around the room and Clarke bit her tongue to stop herself from staring again.

“Would you mind if I take a shower first?” Lexa broke the growing silence between them.

“Of course.” Clarke replied without looking at her.

As soon as Lexa disappeared into the bathroom, Clarke calmed herself by arranging her pajamas on the bed. She suddenly approached Jake’s urn, it felt somewhat weird that she thinks her father is witnessing all this, her sharing a bed with a woman. Though, it’s not necessarily in that context but it’s odd still. So, Clarke took out a bandana from her bag and wrapped it around Jake’s urn.

“I know, dad. She’s really pretty but this is not the right time.” She whispered. It felt strange having to address her father in that manner. But if Jake were still alive, he would probably find ways to embarrass his useless daughter in front of a pretty girl. Jake was like that, always hilarious, always supportive. Clarke basked under his memory.

Her reverie was broken when Lexa stepped out of the bathroom, again, dressed in nothing but a towel. “There’s still some hot water left.” She mumbled.

“Thanks.” Clarke hurriedly rushed towards the bathroom and carried her pajamas with her.

It just took her a couple of minutes to wash up but she wanted to take her time, wanted to delay being in the same room with Lexa again. The impulse to act on her urges. _What are the odds that you meet a stranger in the middle of nowhere who also happens to be into women?_ Clarke chided herself as she was brushing her teeth, she should not think about Lexa in that context. But as she exited the bathroom, Clarke could only choke on her words. Lexa was sprawled on their bed, reading something from her phone, her long legs on display. Also, Clarke noticed something, Lexa was wearing a tank top again and on her shoulder blade was another tattoo that resembled some floral motifs. It looked sensual as hell.

“Oh hey!” Lexa suddenly jolted upright. “Did you know that the Franko lighthouse was built by Rebecca Franko for her lost lover? Rebecca was from a prominent family but she met this man at the market, a charming fisherman. Due to societal differences, they did not really get together but one day, the man came up to her and they finally met. No one was sure if they were really together and the promises they made but Rebecca was sure that she loved him. Then, one day, a strong storm came and he was lost at sea. However, Rebecca never wavered, she kept on waiting and waiting for him, she believed she he was still alive because they never found a body. She built that lighthouse for him, so that he would find his way home but he never came, Rebecca never married. Legends say that she haunts that lighthouse.” Lexa narrated.

“So, dad is interested in a haunted lighthouse?” Clarke guffawed.

“It’s a symbol of hope Clarke, faithfulness and true love, what’s wrong with you?” Lexa chastised.

“You were the one who said it was haunted.” Clarke retorted.

“I was sharing a love story with you.” Lexa pointed out.

“Okay,” Clarke heard it differently in her head. “It’s just amazing how people just fall in love and cling on to it in the olden times.”

“Actually, I think it’s beautiful.” Lexa smiled. “I mean at some point maybe there’s famine or war or unrest, people don’t have the luxury of time. So, they make up their minds right away and they are brazen, they remain faithful.”

With Lexa’s statement, Clarke finally found the courage to take a risk, to be a bit bold. Because maybe things happen for a reason. “You’re beautiful.” She just blurted out.

This caught Lexa by surprise but before she could react any further, Clarke already has her pinned down unto the bed. “Stop me if you don’t want this.” Clarke whispered to her ear.

“I have never done anything like this before.” Lexa whispered back.

“Neither have I.” Clarke responded.

With that Lexa closed the gap. She pulled Clarke towards her, she gave her a soft peck on the lips first. But as she saw the fire in Clarke’s eyes burn, she wrapped her lips in a heated kiss. Soon enough, their mouths were satiating a hunger, a hunger that grew and grew as Clarke pressed her body closer. Clarke could not explain the warmth in the pit of her stomach; she never felt this with anyone before. It was exhilarating, it was addictive, and she hoped that it wouldn’t be fleeting.

That evening Clarke found out what the tattoo in Lexa’s arm was. She had it as an elegy to her mother, now it meant something else. _We’ll survive, you and I,_ it said.

* * *

“We don’t even know each other’s last names.” Lexa realized as they stood at the foot of the lighthouse the next morning.

There were other tourists around them but Clarke and Lexa were inside their own bubble. When Clarke woke up, she thought that the night of bliss that they shared would dissipate. However, she was still in a haze and she felt that time was ticking fast that sooner or later they will decide to go back to their own lives. That this short-lived moment would be lost, the yearning already gratified and the longing no longer lingered. That this was due to her sorrow and Lexa’s anger, that misery had found misery. But when Lexa greeted her with a smile that morning, hope trickled in and there was probably more to this presumed momentary bliss.

“Griffin, Clarke Griffin, fatherless, out of work and claiming benefits.” Clarke laughed, extending her arm. They were no longer strangers now, just two lost souls who found each other.

“Alexandra Woods, certified public accountant.” Lexa shook her hand.

“100 Wallace Street, East Village, across Polis General Hospital.” Clarke recited her address.

This earned a bright smile from Lexa. “Pramheda Towers, near Lincoln Park at Polis.”

“I like the bagels at the bakery across the hospital.” Clarke added.

“I like their breads, too.” Lexa mused.

“What are the odds,” Clarke was in disbelief. “We live near each other but never actually met?”

“There’s so much noise in the city, Clarke. I could not imagine meeting you in any other way.” Lexa puffed. “I like this love story better.”

“So, you think it’s a love story?” Clarke smirked.

“Only if you make it.” Lexa beamed.

Clarke moved to place a chaste kiss on Lexa’s lips. “How sure are we that we won’t feel any different when we get back to the city?” Clarke thought. “When all the noise is back and the lives we have left catching on.”

“I can’t answer that but we don’t know really, we at least have to try.” Lexa sighed. “We can try together.”

“Yeah, of course, together.” Clarke accepted Lexa’s answer. “I’m quitting med school when we get back.”

“Are you sure?” Lexa challenged.

“Life is short and it is what it is, who am I convincing? Who am I kidding?” Clarke cracked up. 

“You think your dad is going to be happy with that?” Lexa speculated.

“It was never his idea in the first place.” Clarke replied.

“Do you think he’ll be happy about this?” Lexa held Clarke’s hand.

“Actually, I think this was his idea.” Clarke realized, as she got lost into Lexa’s green orbs. 

On that note, Clarke took out the last handful of Jake’s ashes and tossed it towards the wind. One chapter in her life has ended, another one is about to begin. 

_Thank you, dad, for always being there for me_. She whispered to the wind.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This piece is dedicated to my father, whom the pandemic took away from us like a thief in the night. 
> 
> “We’ll survive, you and I.” –F. Scott Fitzgerald


	3. K.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa had been in a no strings attached arrangement for so long, shit happens when they end up realizing that they got more than what they bargained for. 
> 
> Inspired by the song K. by Cigarettes After Sex
> 
> “I've been waiting for you to slip back in bed  
> When you light the candle.”

* * *

“Oh fuck, Lex, please, please don’t stop.” Clarke panted.

Clarke was lying on her back with two pillows under her hips. It was mid-afternoon and her bedroom was hot, in more ways than one. Clarke’s legs were draped over Lexa’s shoulders as their bodies moved in a distinct rhythm that they were so familiar with. Lexa’s head was buried in between Clarke’s thighs. Clarke’s left hand held on to Lexa’s hair trying not to tug and her right hand gripped on the headboard. Lexa continued to lap below her, slurping and squishing sounds resonated behind the soft droning of atmospheric music.

“Shit! Right there, Lex.” Clarke gasped. Clarke was never quiet during sex, while Lexa usually heaved silently.

Lexa did not bother looking up; she went deeper and deeper with her tongue as they continued.

“Yes, yes, yes!” With a loud wail, Clarke came undone. Her body jerked and she opened her mouth in ecstasy, her eyes were closed and her back arched. Suddenly, Clarke collapsed back on the bed, fully satiated.

Lexa eventually crawled back up to Clarke’s torso, wiping the fluids off her chin and upper lip with the back of her hand. She then peppered Clarke’s chest with soft kisses until she left a peck on Clarke’s still parted lips. Lexa lifted her body off Clarke with a shit-eating grin.

“Just let me catch my breath for a second then we can continue.” Clarke panted, her chest rising up and down in a steady rhythm.

Lexa laid down beside her. “We’re going to be late, Clarke.” Lexa reached for her wristwatch on the side table.

“Five minutes more, c’mon.” Clarke jolted up and flopped on her belly.

Lexa smirked and moved behind her, she then straddled Clarke’s hips. Clarke could already feel that Lexa was ready; her moisture slithered on Clarke’s butt cheek. Lexa grabbed on firmly onto Clarke’s waist. Then she began gyrating, rubbing her clit against Clarke’s tailbone and buttocks. Soon enough, Lexa’s movements became frantic, her grip on Clarke’s pelvic area tightened. Clarke could feel Lexa’s nub becoming hard as she moved against her. Clarke tried to balance herself with her dominant hand; she could not resist stroking her own clit and join Lexa in this shared bliss. Then, Lexa’s movements became uneven as she finally peaked. Clarke could feel Lexa’s cum drip towards her ass crack, she rubbed her clit harder and soon enough she spasmed in a loud yelp. They fell back in bed in a spooning position, their bodies intertwined.

“Shit, we are definitely going to be late!” Lexa exclaimed as she jumped off the bed to head to the shower.

* * *

The drive to Lincoln and Octavia’s house was relatively quiet, the car radio was on but no one was paying attention. Clarke was skillfully applying her makeup on the passenger seat using the car’s sun visor mirror. She dabbed some concealer on the skin over her clavicle near her neck. Clarke haphazardly donned a royal blue dress with a square neckline and she had forgotten that Lexa loved to leave marks. Lexa grinned when she noticed what Clarke was doing; she put on a black halter-top with a racerback and tight dark denims. She always loved showing off her arms and shoulders, especially the tattoo on her nape. She was thankful that Clarke wasn’t so good at making hickeys that she barely left any marks on her.

“It’s not funny, Lex. You know our friends, whoever sees this mark will pester me all night.” Clarke commented.

“Well, you’re doing a good job.” Lexa chuckled as she examined Clarke’s handiwork.

“Eyes on the road, dear.” Clarke poked her shoulder.

“Yes, ma’am.” Lexa shifted her attention back to the road as they finally entered Lincoln and Octavia’s driveway.

Clarke made one last look at the mirror before she exited the car. Lexa just jumped out of the car, took out the bottle of wine that they brought for the couple from the backseat and locked the car. Lexa was effortlessly gorgeous; she really did not mind putting much makeup. Clarke would often comment how she envied Lexa’s porcelain skin and Lexa just smirks at her always insinuating on how their current activities would keep her face moisturized.

“How do I look?” Clarke backs away from Lexa.

“Beautiful, as always.” Lexa replied in a heartbeat.

“Yeah, you didn’t even look.” Clarke muttered under her breath.

“You know how you look, Clarke. Stop fishing for constant validation.” Lexa jested as they walked towards the front door.

As soon as Lexa pressed the doorbell, the door swung open revealing a beaming Lincoln in a tight short-sleeved navy blue shirt with a Mandarin collar tucked under his slim fit jeans. A white dishtowel hung over his shoulder, Lincoln was probably cooking still.

“They’re here!” Lincoln exclaimed enough for the crowd inside to hear. Lexa and Clarke could hear boisterous laughter from inside the house.

“And this is for you.” Lexa handed the bottle of chardonnay to Lincoln.

“Sweet, Lex, thank you!” Lincoln examined the bottle. Clarke and Lexa started to walk towards the dining room.

“Hola, bitches!” Raven exclaimed from her seat as soon as Lexa and Clarke came into sight.

The entire crew was already there. Most of them were friends from college at Arkadia University. Wells, Clarke’s best friend is now teaching Philosophy at the same university. He raised his glass to the couple; he was his usual stoic self. He sat at the far end of the eight-seater in a white long-sleeved shirt with a wide spread collar and khakis; his thick rimmed glasses hung over his nose. Opposite him, Raven was seated beside her girlfriend, Anya. Raven and Clarke were both in pre-med but Raven majored in Physics while Clarke in Biology. Clarke and Raven met in a mixer of the Pre-Med Society at their school. At the end, none of them pursued med school. Raven now works as a Data Analyst for a car company and Clarke is a Research Associate in Arkadia University. Clarke is also still pursuing graduate studies. Raven met Anya at work; she’s the only person in the room who is not part of their original group. However, with her sarcasm and humor, she immediately hit it off with Lexa. Lexa and Clarke were roommates during their senior year. Lexa studied commercial photography; she now owns a studio with her friend Titus. Lexa and Clarke share a two-bedroom apartment and they remained roommates even after college.

“You guys are late!” Octavia emerged from the kitchen carrying a warmed up dish of lasagna.

Lincoln and Octavia were together since their sophomore year. They met in their freshman year as Architecture majors and they were married a year after college. Lincoln is Lexa’s best friend; they were good friends since high school. Now, two years after college with all their busy schedules and demanding workloads, the third Saturday of the month remained as the time to get-together. They hosted these gatherings in a rotation and tonight, they were at Lincoln and Octavia’s.

“Something came up at work; I just needed to send something to Titus right away.” Lexa lied.

Clarke gave her a knowing look and a lopsided grin. Raven observed Clarke and Lexa. She elbowed her girlfriend. “I bet they were banging all afternoon.” Raven whispered to Anya.

“I won’t contest you on this one, Clarke is glowing.” Anya whispered back.

“Anything you would like to share?” Lexa raised an eyebrow as she sat beside Anya.

“Nothing you don’t already know.” Anya mused.

Clarke glared at them as she took a seat beside Lexa.

As soon as Octavia sat down, Lincoln came back to the dining room with a stranger in tow. The stranger in particular was carrying a platter of roasted chicken and he was too focused on his task. Lincoln directed him as he placed a large bowl of salad onto the table. Clarke and Lexa exchanged confused looks; they wondered who the stranger was.

“Oh sorry, since you guys were late; I forgot to tell you that someone is joining us this evening. Lexa, Clarke, meet my older brother, Bellamy.” Octavia introduced.

The man suddenly got a bit jittery; he took out his handkerchief from his back pocket and wiped his hands. He was wearing a linen tunic and loose pants. His wavy hair reached his eyebrows and his smile reached his eyes.

“Glad to meet you, I heard so much about you guys.” He shook Lexa’s hand first.

“Pleasure to meet you but I think I can’t say the same about you. Octavia mentioned she has a brother but that’s all I know.” Lexa was being cordial yet funny.

“She usually just doesn’t stop talking about her friends.” Bellamy moved to greet Clarke.

“Well, I think she has mentioned you several times to me before. You’re the marine biologist, right?” Clarke shook his hand and Lexa noticed that Bellamy’s hand lingered longer than usual.

“That’s me; I have been away for school for quite some time.” Bellamy informed still holding Clarke’s hand.

“He just got his PhD from Polis U!” Octavia declared.

“Wow, congratulations then, doctor.” Clarke beamed at him. Lexa noticed the subtle flirting.

“Arkadia just offered him a teaching post, Clarke.” Wells added, perhaps this was discussed earlier.

“I guess I’ll be seeing more of you then.” Clarke remarked, tucking her hair behind her ear.

“Yes, I suppose so.” Bellamy lighted up.

“Clarke works with Prof. Kane at the Institute of Biology, you guys might stumble upon each other at school.” Lincoln added.

“That’s good to know.” Bellamy sat opposite Clarke, a permanent smile plastered on his face.

To say that Lexa was annoyed at this interaction was an understatement. Much of the conversation revolved around getting to know Bellamy better, so Lexa remained silent during their meal. This change in demeanor did not go unnoticed under Anya and Raven’s observant eyes.

* * *

“You look like someone pissed on your cereal, Lex.” Anya shuffled closer to her friend.

After dessert, the evening had moved towards the living room. Lincoln and Octavia were on one side of the room talking to Raven about getting a new car. Wells and Clarke were talking to Bellamy on the couch. Clarke and Bellamy were sitting on the opposite ends of the three-seater sofa and Wells was standing behind the sofa with his hands resting on the back of the sofa in between Clarke and Bellamy. They were talking about Arkadia University, other schools, people they mutually know, and more academic stuff that made Lexa feel out of place. Lexa excused herself to grab another beer and she was now standing with her back against the wall next to the bookshelf. Anya spotted her and sat on the accent chair beside her.

“Shouldn’t we be playing games by now?” Lexa muttered. The group always played games on Saturday nights; charades, Scrabble, Monopoly, or whatever new board game they stumbled upon. But tonight was unusual, most of them were immersed in conversation.

“You’ve been playing games all year.” Anya mumbled. It looked like she was playing with an app on her phone. She did not bother to look up to catch Lexa’s glare.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lexa knew that Anya was referring to something else.

“What’s the deal between you and Clarke?” Anya put away her phone in her jeans’ pocket.

It was always a surprise once people realize that Clarke and Lexa are not together. Since Anya was the other lesbian in the group, Lexa always felt comfortable sharing things with her. Back in college, Raven realized that she was bisexual and Clarke declared that she was pansexual. Clarke wasn’t always fond of labels, she just went with the flow. So, whatever connection she has with Lexa remained as a grey area. Lexa had a crush on Clarke since they met but being roommates initially meant that Clarke was off-limits. Lexa was a late bloomer and she never really dated anyone in college. She did pine for her classmate Luna for quite a while but that was all there was to it. When Clarke asked her to continue being roommates after college, Lexa agreed right away, not realizing that it might lead to something more.

Clarke usually went on dates and this unconsciously annoyed Lexa. Then, early this year, their little arrangement began. It was for convenience at first, Lexa wasn’t dating anyone and Clarke with all her workload at that time did not have enough time to date. It started as a stress-reliever, an impulsive decision to cure the itch. The sexual tension in their apartment was becoming unbearable. The first time that they slept together was after a drunken karaoke night. Clarke was wallowing about her life on their sofa and she suddenly engulfed the brunette in a sloppy kiss while Lexa was comforting her. The kissing ended up with dry humping on the couch, which eventually led to Clarke’s bedroom. Clarke enjoyed their moment and she declared that if she could just sleep conveniently with someone, she wouldn’t trust anyone else but Lexa. That’s how they ended up in this unlikely mess.

Clarke was Lexa’s first everything and Clarke was aware of that. Their arrangement began as transactional. Lexa was always eager, so Clarke thought that she wasn’t taking advantage. Lexa was always a willing participant and Clarke was often impressed with how well Lexa did everything for the first time. They knew how to please each other, they were both satisfied and this resulted to both of them not even considering dating anyone else throughout the year. They declared that they were sexually compatible and that they should enjoy it for now. They acted as most couples would act; they went on Friday night dinner dates, movies, grocery shopping, Sunday walks at the park, even a couple of overseas travels. To them, Clarke was Lexa’s person and Lexa was Clarke’s but they weren’t a couple. Their friends weren’t oblivious to this fact either, Raven and Anya somehow guessed that they were sleeping together and the others sensed that there was more to their relationship than just being roommates and friends. However, Clarke and Lexa never confronted their feelings and this arrangement had been going on for slightly more than a year. Everything else was running smoothly until tonight. They never really talked about what would happen if one of them does meet someone else.

Lexa felt like Clarke could never give her what she had always wanted so, she just took what she could get. But two months ago, when she woke up at dawn with the blonde’s naked form snuggled beside her, Lexa struggled with what she had always feared; her feelings was gaining up on her.

“We’re best friends, An.” Lexa tried to convince herself.

“Lincoln’s your best friend. Clarke’s best friend is Wells. You’re not best friends.” Anya countered.

“Who says you can’t have two best friends?” Lexa retorted.

“That’s why it’s called ‘best’, Lex. The others fall in ranks as just friends.” Anya wisecracked.

“I don’t know what we are.” Lexa sighed.

“Do you guys even talk?” Anya mumbled.

Lexa gave her an incredulous look.

“Yeah, that’s right; you guys just live together and fuck.” Anya stated.

“That’s quite crass.” Lexa reacted.

“Well, isn’t it?” Anya took a swig of her beer.

“You know where I stand on this issue. I just don’t want to complicate things, I’m happy as it is.” Lexa reasoned.

“Well, you don’t look like it.” Anya pointed out. “Seems to me that that Bellamy bloke is quite enchanted with blondie.”

“Hey, don’t talk about them that way.” Lexa scolded. “He’s Octavia’s brother.”

“Yeah, mister doctor-PhD, who is too humble for his accomplishments.” Anya mocked. “He’s Octavia’s brother but he seems to be too good to be true for me.”

“That’s just your first impression.” Lexa emphasized.

“Well, I have accurate first impressions. I knew we would be friends right away. I trust my gut and my gut is telling me that I wouldn’t jive with him.” Anya noted. “By the looks of it, he’s trying to impress, Clarkey.”

“He’s just being polite.” Lexa tried to be nice.

“I’m on your side. Whose side are you on, Lex?” Anya challenged. “You should talk to Clarke before mister doctor gets in the way.”

“I don’t even know if what I feel is valid. It feels like I’ve been lying to her, taking advantage of our arrangement.” Lexa scoffed.

“Are you sure you’re the one taking advantage of this situation? Then, why are you sulking in the corner.” Anya tried not to give Lexa a pitiful look.

“It’s really none of my business, An.” Lexa inhaled sharply.

Lexa stares at Clarke, she’s still immersed in their conversation and she noticed that Bellamy’s looks did in fact, linger longer than usual.

* * *

“You’ve been quiet all night.” Clarke is now behind the wheel. It was past midnight and they had just left Lincoln and Octavia’s. To her surprise, Bellamy walked them back to Lexa’s car as his car was parked beside theirs. To say that her stomach was churning when she noticed a little flirtation between Bellamy and Clarke when they said goodbye was an understatement, she felt like vomiting on the driveway.

Lexa sunk back into her seat; she was playing with her seat belt looking out the window. She drank more than the usual and she was glad that Clarke offered to drive them home.

“I think I just had too much to drink.” Lexa slurred.

“Well, just make sure that you’ll be up on time tomorrow for the Farmer’s Market. You promised that we’ll go last week.” Clarke informed her, her eyes did not leave the road.

“Okay.” Lexa managed a reply.

“It’s okay that I asked Bellamy to join us, right? He’s trying to get re-acquainted with Arkadia, the market wasn’t there yet when he left.” Lexa was taken aback by this new information. The idea of Bellamy hanging out with them felt like a fishbone stuck in her throat.

“Okay.” She didn’t know what else to say.

As soon as they got home, Lexa headed for a beeline towards the bathroom. She wanted to gag but nothing came out, maybe she was no longer drunk in the first place. She felt warm, she felt breathless, and she felt like she wanted to crawl out of her skin. What is this feeling? Is it jealousy? It was eating her up. Clarke checked on her but she locked the door. When she came out, Clarke was already in her pajamas. Lexa just muttered something about being drunk and she headed to her room. This was the first night in the past three months that they didn’t sleep next to each other.

* * *

Sleeping alone in her bed felt weird, Clarke thought. Lexa was unusually quiet last night; she wondered what Lexa was talking about with Anya that evening. She could tell in her peripheral vision that Lexa looked a bit pissed. She could read the other girl but most of the time, she wondered if she read her right. There were times when Clarke felt like Lexa was saying the opposite of what she was feeling and last night did not place well.

Clarke and Wells had been talking to Bellamy all night and Clarke realized that she did not really pay much attention to Lexa. Perhaps Lexa had a problem and she was talking to Anya first, if the problem does blow up, Clarke is certain that she’ll find out about it eventually.

On the other hand, she needed to focus on her mission for today. Her boss, Prof. Kane was considering a study on seaweeds and Bellamy seems to know a thing or two about the topic. So, it might be interesting to pick his brain about it. Clarke is glad that they were having a trip to the Farmer’s Market today; perhaps this informal meeting might interest him in getting involved with them at the lab. While thinking about the trip, Clarke realized that Lexa’s room was still quiet. She went to check on her, the door was unlocked when she twisted the knob. She knocked anyway, even if she had seen all of Lexa due to their arrangement, this was still Lexa’s private space.

“Yeah...” A low voice sounded behind the threshold.

When Clarke opened the door, Lexa was seated on her bed, already dressed in a plain black t-shirt, denim shorts, and sneakers.

“I was wondering if you were up. You don’t seem to be chipper today. Are you okay?” Clarke sat beside Lexa.

Lexa felt the bed dip and she turned to Clarke. Clarke was ready to go, she was wearing an oversized white t-shirt, denim pants, and a pair of Birkenstocks.

“I think so.” Lexa replied weakly.

“You don’t get hangovers, Lex and you only drank beer last night. What’s bothering you?” Clarke hugged Lexa, resting her chin on Lexa’s shoulder. Lexa was surprised at Clarke’s sudden gesture of affection. It’s not that Clarke wasn’t affectionate, the woman was very attuned with her tactile environment. It’s just Clarke must be so oblivious that she doesn’t feel Lexa’s uneasiness.

“I’m fine but can you drive today?” Lexa spoke in a low voice.

“Of course, I owe you for getting up so early in the morning.” Clarke pecked her cheek, the touch somehow jumpstarted Lexa and soon enough they were out of the door.

* * *

“Oh, hey, Lex.” Bellamy looked like he wasn’t expecting to see Lexa. Lexa smirked at the thought; Bellamy probably thought that he and Clarke were hanging out alone.

“Good morning.” Lexa greeted back. She looked at Bellamy, he was wearing a white tank top underneath his open floral printed shirt, and a cord necklace with a silver peace sign pendant hung on his neck. He had a pair of board shorts on and flip-flops. This guy dressed up like a surfer, Lexa noted.

“Shall we check out the produce and the food stalls, then?” Clarke did not say anything more. They walked around with Clarke’s arm intertwined with Lexa’s, Bellamy walked alongside them as Clarke talked. Maybe Lexa was wrong, maybe this was just a friendly hangout for Clarke while Bellamy assumed that it was a date.

* * *

Their afternoon ended on the recliner in their living room, Lexa was always wise to drape a duvet over it for good measure or else they could have had ruined many furniture pieces. Lexa was sitting on the slightly reclined chair and her right knee is bent up while her foot rested on the edge chair for stability. Both of them were stark naked, their clothes haphazardly discarded on the floor. Clarke was straddling Lexa’s raised leg and grinding her clit against Lexa’s thigh.

“Fuck, Lex!” Clarke huffed.

Lexa was holding on to both of Clarke’s boobs and she latched on her shoulder as Clarke ground against her. They got home a little later after lunchtime. They had brunch with Bellamy and Clarke just kept talking about nothing particular but research prospects. Lexa realized that engaging with Bellamy probably had something to do with Clarke’s work and that she had nothing to worry about.

As Clarke put away all the produce that she brought for them. She joined Lexa in their living room. Lexa was cozy on the recliner watching an Animal Planet documentary. Without a word, Clarke just sat on her lap and started making out with her. Lexa realized that they were back to their normal routine, Clarke still wanted her and Sundays were still to be spent pleasuring each other, Mondays were better because of this.

* * *

However, the rest of the month did not pan out well for Lexa. The start of the new semester meant that Bellamy had started work at Arkadia University. It was part of their routine that Lexa picked up Clarke from work, no matter how late Clarke clocks out, Lexa was there waiting in her car. If Lexa does go away for work or stays at the studio longer than usual, Clarke takes her bike to campus.

So, it was quite unusual when Clarke called Lexa up one Thursday afternoon, telling her that she’ll be catching a ride with Bellamy. Lexa had taken this first sign as a grain of salt. She knew something was up. On the following Friday night, Clarke cancelled movie night stating that there was a mixer for their department at a local pub. Lexa couldn’t sleep that night and she waited for Clarke, only to notice that Clarke got home in Bellamy’s black sedan. Not to mention that succeeding breakfasts were spent talking about Clarke’s mishaps at the lab, her comical colleagues, and of course, more about Bellamy and his charming personality.

The succeeding weeks went on in this manner, sometimes they had dinner together, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes they would fuck, sometimes they won’t. There were some nights when Lexa initiated and Clarke just murmured that she was a bit tired from work. Work indeed was catching up with Clarke, she was in the middle of an experiment and she spent odd hours at the lab. Sometimes they had groggy sex, only for Clarke to fall asleep immediately after she came, leaving Lexa out cold. There were nights when Clarke was extremely sweet, they wouldn’t have sex but she just either snuggled close to Lexa’s sleeping form on her bed or she would offer to give Lexa a backrub. Anecdotes about Bellamy still lingered in the air, it felt like Clarke wanted Lexa to be friends with him, too but it didn’t sit well with Lexa. Indeed, he was Octavia’s brother and he could become Lexa’s friend due to the proximity. But something was telling Lexa that Bellamy was just nice to her because he probably sees her as Clarke’s best friend and he is only interested in Clarke. If only he knew what was happening between them behind the closed door of their apartment.

* * *

“So, Bellamy asked me out yesterday.”

The statement shot through Lexa’s heart like a dagger. They were cozy on the couch that evening; they were already in their pajamas. Lexa was seated, scanning a coffee table book and Clarke’s head was on her lap as the blonde read a journal article in her iPad. Lexa was quiet for a while; Clarke looked up to her with furrowed brows. Clarke wore her reading glasses inside the house; Lexa loved this look on Clarke. Actually, it was her favorite look, Clarke in her pajamas, her eyeglasses, and her hair in a messy ponytail. But at this point, Lexa couldn’t look at her, she continued flipping the pages of the heavy book planted on the seat beside her.

“What did you say to him?” Lexa managed to choke out.

“He texted me, I never got back to him…yet.” Clarke added right away. “What do you think?”

“So, Octavia’s mister-doctor brother likes you?” Lexa masked the sting; it was painful for her to proceed with this conversation.

“I guess so.” Clarke replied weakly.

Lexa regretted the words that came out of her mouth as soon as she said it. “Maybe you should give it a try.”

Clarke got up instantaneously from her lap. “You think so?”

“It’s up to you, Clarke.” Lexa tried to remain unaffected.

“I haven’t gone out with anyone else in a while.” Clarke stated.

Lexa was taken aback, so, everything that they did together was not really accounted for. Sure, their arrangement was limited to sex but they do go out together, Clarke just fails to acknowledge it. Lexa knew that she was sucked into a messy loophole and whatever happens, she’s utterly fucked either way.

“Then, if you feel like it, maybe you should.” Lexa did not intend to show more emotion than she already had but she couldn’t stay at the moment. She got up from the couch, closed the book, and marched to her room without looking back.

Clarke looked bewildered, Lexa didn’t care anymore. She at least owes herself some dignity.

* * *

Clarke was getting ready the following evening. She put on a black dress and she was working on her makeup when Lexa caught glimpse of her from the crack of the threshold to her room.

They were quiet during breakfast that morning. There was a brewing tension between them but either one refused to acknowledge it. Lexa came home too tired from work; she just slumped at the sofa. So, when Clarke entered the apartment in a rush for a quick shower and change, she knew that she indeed made plans for the night, with Bellamy, no less. Lexa did not say a word; she just started to prepare dinner for herself. But the truth was, she wasn’t hungry at all, her stomach was churning and she could feel bile rise up to her throat. She just wanted some outlet for her rage, probably to throw some pots and pans while she was at it.

She decided to make some soup; it was probably all she could take now. She tossed a lot of things around; being loud as possible, making sure that her anger was heard. Clarke knew that Lexa was a very subtle person so this display of rage was quiet unbecoming of Lexa. Lexa started to cut up some butternut squash, there was a rhythmic sound of metal against vegetable. However, as Lexa struggled to control her temper, she wasn’t able to control the knife. The knife slipped from her hand and it caught her forefinger before falling with a loud clank on the tiled floor.

“Fuck my life!” Lexa exclaimed as she held on to her finger to temporarily stop the bleeding. She left a bloody trail as she rushed to the powder room at the end of the hall.

“Lexa? Did you hurt yourself?” Clarke rushed out of her room with concern in her voice.

“Of course, Clarke. I hurt myself, that’s what I always do!” Lexa spat back from behind the powder room door.

Clarke frowned at Lexa’s sudden outburst but she worried about her anyway. “Can I see?” As Clarke opened the door. Lexa was running water from the faucet over her wound. Lexa flinched at the sudden contact, Clarke held on to her arm to examine the cut.

As soon as the bleeding subsided, Clarke dabbed some antiseptic onto the cut, murmuring that it was small enough and stitches were not necessary. She then wrapped it in plaster and just like a knee-jerk reaction, placed a soft kiss on the covered wound.

Lexa was surprised at the gesture. “There! All better!” Clarke declared with a smile.

Lexa just stared at her blankly. “Thank you.” She finally whispered. “I think I ruined your dress.” Lexa noticed the splashes of water on Clarke’s dress.

“Can you help me out of it?” Clarke turned her back to show the zipper to Lexa.

Lexa just proceeded with helping Clarke out of her dress, it was least that she could do for her tantrum. Clarke shimmied out of her dress and Lexa realized that her underwear matched, of course, count on Clarke to be prepared. Maybe she really did like Bellamy back. Lexa took a deep breath to calm herself down, she just had to let go, Clarke wasn’t hers to begin with and her childish display might just drive Clarke further away.

“You’re really not gonna fight for me, instead you’re fighting yourself.” Clarke turned to face Lexa and she wrapped her hands around Lexa’s neck, Lexa wasn’t prepared for this.

“What are you saying, Clarke?” Lexa was confused.

“What I am saying is, you’re really not going to do anything about this? You’re really not going to say anything to me?” Clarke poked Lexa’s shoulder.

“What do you want me to say?” Lexa exclaimed.

“I want you to say that ‘you shouldn’t go out with Bellamy, Clarke’, I don’t know protest or something. Attack me for taking you for granted or spite me for what I have done. Or maybe punish me instead of punishing yourself.” Clarke finally fell onto Lexa’s arms after she shoved her repeatedly.

Clarke felt so fragile in Lexa’s arms; she was still in only her underwear.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Lexa hummed over Clarke’s head as she hugged her tightly.

“Are you really letting me go out with someone else?” Clarke looked up to Lexa’s teary eyes.

“I just want you to be happy, you know.” Lexa whispered.

“What do you think have I been these past few years?” Clarke smiled.

Lexa remained silent, too overwhelmed of what Clarke had just said.

“To be honest, I instigated the arrangement because the tension between us was just getting too unbearable; I didn’t expect that you would agree to that. But I haven’t went out with anyone else because I can’t, I didn’t want to, Lex. I was just too afraid to admit how I felt at that time because I was so scared to drive you away. I didn’t want to be the creepy roommate at the start, Lex. But then I got you into this mess and we just went on and on and the balance was so good between us that I just didn’t want to tip it. I just got sucked into it, Lex and I thought what we had was simple and I know how much you don’t want complicated. But we just dragged on and I thought that there was nothing more to this than what we already have. So, here I am rocking the boat, wondering if you would save me because I’m already drowning.” Clarke cried. Lexa felt how distressed the blonde was, how their attempts to avoid conflict had stemmed into something worse, which caused them to hurt each other.

“I love you, Clarke. I always had.” Lexa blurted out. “I was just so scared to lose you if you didn’t feel the same, so, I just got what I could.”

Clarke tried to blink away her tears as she looked at Lexa. “I love you, Lex. I’m so sorry for confusing you and seemingly punishing you...” But before Clarke could say anything more, Lexa surged forward and kissed her intensely. All the pent up feelings were released into that kiss, like a dam releasing water after a storm.

* * *

“Fuck! Harder, love, harder!” Clarke was squirming underneath Lexa.

Dinner was forgotten and Lexa was naked on top of an equally naked Clarke. This time, Lexa put on a strap-on harness and their nipples brushed against each other in every thrust. Lexa could feel the strain on her legs as she moved faster but Clarke’s reactions were worth it. She held onto Clarke like a lifeline and as their movements became more erratic, they finally came undone.

Lexa remained on top of Clarke as she felt so drained since this was her fifth orgasm for the night. As there breathing became more even, Lexa pulled out and dropped beside Clarke, removing the strap-on, setting it on the side.

Clarke shifted to her side to face Lexa. She ran a finger from Lexa’s ear to her chin to her lips and then kissed her tenderly.

“I love you, Lex.” She felt good saying it.

“I love you, too.” Lexa replied with a kiss on top of her nose.

As Clarke snuggled closer, Lexa heard her stomach growl.

“Were you able to finish making the soup?” Clarke joked. “I think I’m hungry.”

“Oh shit! Bellamy! You stood him up!” Lexa jolted up.

“We just had several rounds of mind-blowing make-up sex and the first thing that comes into your mind is Bellamy?” Clarke chuckled.

“What’s wrong with you? You stood him up! He’s still your colleague and your friend’s brother.” Lexa panicked.

“Get back here, Lex. There’s nothing to worry about.” Clarke pinned her back to bed. “I cancelled on him the moment you were banging pots and pans at the kitchen. I also told him that I don’t see him as being more than a friend but we can still continue hanging out and studying seaweeds instead.” Clarke slurred. “What I didn’t say to him was that I was utterly convinced that with the tantrum you were throwing, I realized how in love I was and still am with my best friend.”

“You’re not my best friend, Clarke.” Lexa retorted. “Lincoln’s my best friend.”

“Who says you can’t have two best friends?” Clarke looked offended.

“Anya says so. Anyway, stop fussing, you know that you’re not my best friend, you’re my girlfriend.” Lexa tried to conceal her smile.

“I guess I’ll take what I can.” Clarke grinned mischievously.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here are a few entries to start the week. I will be posting new chapters daily. Let me know what you think of these stories so far! Thank you for reading.


	4. Out of My League

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa gets invited to a summer getaway with her sister’s friends. Soon, Lexa realizes that her high school crush has tagged along. Will this be a summer to remember or just another heartbreak waiting for Lexa?
> 
> Inspired by the song Out of my League by Fitz and the Tantrums 
> 
> “If I die don't wake me  
> 'Cause you are more than just a dream”

* * *

“C’mon Clarke, what else are you supposed to be up to during summer break?” Raven yelled from the other end of the line.

“I don’t know, Rae. College has been hectic and I would finally get some time to relax.” Clarke muttered, her phone was tucked in between her shoulder and ear. It was already on loudspeaker but Clarke’s body language and habits reflected that of an old lady sometimes.

“Let me spell it out for you, four S’s, sand, sun, swimsuits, and you know, maybe some s-e-x! What more can be more relaxing than that?” Raven was trying to convince Clarke to join her in a trip to the beach.

“Four S’s? That doesn’t apply to all of us, Rae.” Clarke chuckled at Raven’s antics.

“Well, I’ll be getting some! My girlfriend is hot! I don’t know about you.” Raven wouldn’t shut up about her girlfriend since she and Anya Woods got together at Polis Institute of Technology.

All of them went to the same high school and were all at the same year at Arkadia but Raven and Anya revolved in different social circles back then. Raven was in the popular crowd with Clarke. They were popular because they were some sort of Renaissance people; smart, pretty, artistic, and sociable. Also, they were involved with basketball jocks. Clarke was with the point guard, Finn Collins and Raven was arm candy to the power forward, Bellamy, their other friend, Octavia’s older brother. However, Finn cheated on Clarke in their senior year and Raven and Bellamy eventually realized that they were both into the same sex at college. Anya on the other hand was radical and a bit cynical and went with other activists. Being part of certain causes was not so cool then, people at Arkadia called them koalas or tree-huggers. But everything changed in college, Anya and Raven got into the same Applied Physics program and they simply gravitated towards each other. Anya was quite a late bloomer as well. Minus the baggy clothes and the fuzzy hair, Raven realized that her healthy lifestyle and vegetarianism led to a goddess-like physique. But it wasn’t just physical, they found out that they were actually more alike in values. Now in the honeymoon stage in their relationship, Raven wouldn’t shut up about her. Raving about Anya constituted eighty percent of Clarke’s recent communication with her best friend. Clarke went to Mount Weather University, seven hours away from Raven. She got into the Art Studies program and decided to focus on her degree on her first year. She went out on dates, with both boys and girls; Clarke was discovering herself but there was nothing serious with anyone. The best friends promised to reconnect with each other during breaks in summer and in spring and the holidays. That is why Clarke is still in an hour long conversation with Raven as she was packing her bag for her return to Arkadia the following day.

“If you’re talking about sex, I don’t have a problem in that department.” Clarke implied. It’s not that she was getting enough. It’s because she’s not actually getting any in the past months. Between her term papers and readings, she just didn’t mind that she didn’t necessarily have enough time to date and she was not the type to sleep around.

“The Blakes’ beach house is not isolated, Clarke. Who knows who you will meet?” Raven teased.

“A week seems long, isn’t it?” Clarke reasoned. “I have to ask my mom about it. She probably misses me around the house.”

“Your mom is a doctor, Clarke. She appreciates you at home but it’s not like she’s not used to not seeing you. Plus, I already asked her and Abby said that you need this break.” Raven pressed.

“You talked to my mom behind my back?” Clarke grasped.

“Abby and I go way back, Clarkey. She knows what’s good for you. God knows what that woman had up on her sleeve when she was our age. So, try being an adolescent again and live while you’re young! What ever happend to my Party Girl Griffin?” Raved joked.

Clarke used to be the life of every high school party, people gravitated around her. But it was also in her transition from high school to college that she lost her father to a work accident. It was sudden, she didn’t have much time to mourn and with her mother since she was moving to campus already but Jake’s death put a toll on her. She promised to take life more seriously and to focus more on things that mattered, for her father’s memory. So, when she got to college, she re-invented herself, going to a school without knowing anyone else meant a clean slate. Clarke just wanted to enjoy college without the occassional hangover and flings. There was a lot to do in Mount Weather, she enjoyed all the stage plays and musicals, independent film festivals, poetry nights; she loved the culture. People had booze and sometimes in some events, she was offered edibles but Clarke just got tired of it. However, this summer was all about reconnecting with old friends, people who matter. So, Clarke is willing to make an exception, for their sake.

“So, is that a yes?” Raven inquired.

“Who else is coming?” Clarke wondered.

“Of course, the Blakes will be there. We’ll finally meet Octavia’s boyfriend, Lincoln. Bellamy is also bringing his boyfriend, he remains a mystery. I know it’s going to be weird, both of us in a relationship. Murphy and Ontari will also be there, Ontari keeps saying they are not yet together but something smells fishy.” Raven chuckled.

“So, what would I be? Like a ninth-wheel? If there ever is such a thing!” Clarke huffed. She was dreading this trip in her mind already. She could just imagine all the couples doting at her, trying to make her comfortable.

“Oh, I almost forgot! Anya is bringing her sister along. You do remember Lexa, do you?” Raven realized.

“Hmm...” Clarke paused, she had a faint memory of Lexa. She was a year younger, quite reserved but she heard that she became student council president when they graduated.

“Thick-rimmed glasses, braces, quiet girl; you do remember her?” Raven recounted.

“I guess I have a faint memory, she’s not as outspoken as Anya.” Clarke shared.

“Well, Lexa is a late bloomer, she’s different now. She was student council president and valedictorian when she graduated. Also, her braces are gone, you might not even recognize her right away. Anya is letting her tag along since their parents will be away during the summer for a couple’s retreat and she wouldn’t want to leave Lexa alone at home.” Raven explained.

“So, you’re making me baby sitter?” Clarke huffed.

“Lex is all grown up, Clarke. She doesn’t need watching, you’ll see.” With Raven’s tone, it was as if Clarke could see her smirk at the other end of the line.

* * *

“Why are you making me go?” Lexa pouted as she was folding her clothes on her bed. Lexa still had her glasses on, she was wearing a plain white t-shirt and comfortable boy shorts.

“I want to spend some time with you, Lex.” Anya bounced on Lexa’s bed, she had a P.I.T. navy blue sweater on and plaid boxer shorts.

“You’ll be spending time with your girlfriend, not me.” Lexa muttered.

“I want to spend time with Raven, true but I also want to spend time with you. Plus, you can get to know, Raven. Also, you love the beach.” Anya tried to convince her younger sister.

“I know Raven...” Lexa defended.

“Nope, the Raven you know from high school is different with the Raven I am in love with.” Anya pointed out muffling Lexa’s hair.

“People grow up, I see your point but can I just stay here? I have books to read, stuff to prepare for.” Lexa reasoned.

“It’s just a week, Lex. Live a little. Plus, you will have plenty of time to prepare for college. You’ll go all the way to Mount Weather, I won’t be seeing you for most of the year. Do this for me, please, pretty please.” Anya was batting her eyes at Lexa.

If Lexa knew any better, she knew that she would have a tough time with Anya’s crowd. They somehow knew each other, though she knew them sort of. She always heard stories about kids in Anya’s year; who was cool, who was popular, who was stupid. She knew this crowd was better off than the rest, they looked fun back in high school and it seems like their friendship was genuine if they indeed tried to find time to reconnect after their first year of college. Also, not to mention that she was hoping to see someone in particular after a year. She was glad that Anya suddenly became part of their circle through Raven. It always boggled people whatever happened to their high school crush once everyone moves on. Lexa was curious at the least.

“At least tell me who is going to be there.” Lexa demanded as she tossed one pair of the swimsuits that she was bringing with her to a duffle bag.

“You know the Blakes, right?” Anya mumbled, Lexa nodded in response. “Bell and Octavia will be there with their boyfriends.”

“Boyfriends? Didn’t Bellamy use to date Raven?” Lexa smirked. Though Bellamy was a year older, he always hung out with his younger sister’s friends.

“It’s mind blowing, right? Perhaps they actually understood each other back in high school.” Anya chuckled. “Murphy and Ontari will be there, though they have been denying dating each other for so long. Also, Clarke will possibly join, too, if Raven manages to convince her.”

“No boyfriend?” Lexa blurted absentmindedly.

Anya eyed her sister. “Who?”

“Clarke, of course.” Lexa tried to be nonchalant.

“None, well, last I’ve heard.” Anya smirked. “My gosh, after all this time, Lex?” Anya realized. She was actually aware of her sister’s little crush back in high school. She could count Lexa’s previous interactions with Clarke; it’s either she stuttered, dissolved into a puddle, or got tongue-tied.

“I’m just curious, that’s all!” Lexa shoved her sister.

“Well, I also heard that she is, too. Bi-curious that is!” Anya teased and Lexa threw a pillow at her.

* * *

Clarke was not a morning person. Abby was already awake transferring some coffee in a thermos for Clarke to bring. The Blakes’ beach house was six hours away; it was in a less dense coastal area. But is in a busy fishing community with a lovely old lighthouse. However, the beaches were also packed during the summer for surfing competitions and tourists. Raven decided that they should leave in the crack of dawn, so that they would get there by lunch time. Clarke put on her faded Mount Weather sweater and a pair of denim shorts and flip-flops. Her blonde hair was cut in a shorter bob and a backpack dangled on her shoulders. As soon as she groggily entered the kitchen, she heard rhythmic honking from outside.

“That must be Raven!” Abby was still clad in her pajamas as she handed the thermos to Clarke. She also packed some ham and cheese sandwiches for Clarke to share to her friends during the road trip.

Clarke just grunted as she headed out followed by a rather chirpy Abby towards the door.

“Hola, Mama G!” Raven greeted as she poked her head out of the window of a maroon Ford Explorer at the Griffin’s driveway.

“I packed extra sandwiches for the road, just like we talked about.” Abby waved at Raven. “You guys take care, okay?”

“Sometimes I really wonder who your actual daughter is.” Clarke mumbled at her mother. “Bye, mom.” Clarke left her mother a peck on the cheek as she approached the car. A rather enthusiastic Raven smirked at her.

“Nothing to worry about, Clarke will be back in one piece.” Raven answered Abby.

“Take care, Clarke.” Abby reminded as she looked on.

Clarke recognized the blonde at the steering wheel. Anya flashed her a soft smile motioning for her to get in at the back seat. She could see that Anya’s entire right arm was covered by an impressive sleeve tattoo that resembled a serpent. She was wearing a tank top and it was very much exposed. Raven did not indeed downplay that her girlfriend was hot, a year in college did a lot of difference. Before Clarke could open the car door, she was surprised that it suddenly opened by itself. She was equally stunned at the sight that greeted her. There at a the back seat with mesmerizing green eyes and a shy smile was a beautiful brunette. Her long brown hair were draped over her shoulders, her thick lips pursed, and her gaze was unwavering. She had a vintage Back to the Future t-shirt on and cutoff shorts.

“I suppose you remember, Lexa.” Raven broke Clarke from her trance.

“Hey, Clarke.” Lexa uttered with emphasis on the last syllable of her name.

“Hey...” Clarke managed to croak as she removed her backpack from her shoulders.

“I can help you with that.” Lexa scooted closer to retrieve Clarke’s backpack and she felt a sudden jolt as their fingertips accidentally brushed in the process.

Lexa effortlessly placed the backpack at the third row seats of the car where all the other bags and supplies were. Clarke continued to look on as Lexa’s arm muscles flexed as she moved.

“Hey Griff! Are you gonna toss me those sandwiches or what?” Raven snapped her fingers at Clarke to get her attention.

Clarke was rather annoyed but she hoped that nobody noticed her interaction with Lexa. She tossed the sandwiches to Raven and placed the thermos of coffee in the cup holder at the back of Raven’s seat. Lexa scooted back to her seat at the left side and Clarke eventually got on the vehicle as they waved at Abby when they left the Griffins’ driveway.

Anya and Raven looked comfortable. It felt like they were on a family trip and Anya and Raven were their moms. Raven was navigating with her phone and Anya focused on the road ahead. Suddenly, Clarke noticed that there was a good distance between her and Lexa, Lexa even looked that she was cowering to her side. Clarke knew Lexa from high school but probably not that well. Since most of their friends were couples, she realized that it would be best to be at ease with Lexa since they might spend time together.

“Where are the others?” Clarke asked as she made herself comfortable.

“Murphy and Ontari are riding with O and Linc. Bellamy is already there a day ahead with his mystery beau.” Raven answered.

Clarke and Raven continued to discuss about the whereabouts of the others when Anya suddenly interrupted them to confirm some directions with Raven. Clarke eventually noticed that Lexa remained quiet. So, as not to make Lexa feel left out, Clarke decided to initiate a conversation.

“I guess it’s great to meet you, again.” Clarke offered her hand to Lexa.

Lexa shook her hand, rather apprehensively. “Likewise.”

“She’s going to Mount Weather, too, you know.” Anya was trying to help Lexa out. She knew that Lexa was more confident now but it was amusing to see her flail in front of Clarke.

“Really?” Clarke lighted up. “What program will you be in?”

“Uhm, Sociology.” Lexa replied coyly.

“Well, I’m in Art Studies.” Clarke turned to Lexa to emphasize her Mount Weather sweater but Lexa blushed as she realized that she was actually staring at Clarke’s boobs under the fabric and not just at the print on her sweater. She diverted her gaze but managed to smile at Clarke. “Our buildings will just be across each other. Will you be in the dorms?”

“I encouraged Lex to stay in the dorms but she’s planning to get an apartment off campus.” Anya looked at her sister from the rear view mirror.

“Why so, Lex?” Raven turned to direct her question.

“I heard the dorms are co-ed.” Lexa mumbled.

“She’s not so comfortable with the idea.” Anya added.

“Oh, it’s actually not as wild as it sounds.” Clarke turned to Lexa, her hand suddenly on her shoulder trying to assure the incoming freshman. Clarke is actually rather touchy when she’s talking and she doesn’t usually notice it but Lexa was already burning under touch. She couldn’t scoot any further and if she moved it would look like she was avoiding Clarke like she was the plague. She mustered all her strength not to flinch. After admiring Clarke from afar after all these years, she did not realize that she would eventually get this close. “The female wing is actually separate from the male wing, though we are in one building. If it would ease you, I could actually request if we could be roommates.” Clarke’s offer was innocent, she only wanted to ease Lexa but the thought actually had Lexa’s mind running a mile a minute.

“Is that possible?” Lexa tried to muster a reply. “I guess, I’ll give it a thought then.” Lexa’s heart was already doing somersaults behind her stoic facade.

“You can do that, Griff?” Raven raised an eyebrow.

“Of course, unlike you, I’m in very good terms with my dorm manager.” Clarke chuckled and Lexa was thankful that she removed her hand from her shoulder.

“Yeah, Raven will never get dorm privileges after she triggered the mess hall alarm system.” Anya quipped.

“It was one time! That microwave oven served its time anyway.” Raven defended.

“Just a year in and they are already arguing like an old couple.” Clarke muttered under her breath as Raven and Anya continued to bicker.

“It’s actually nice to have somebody to bicker with for a change.” Lexa whispered.

Clarke agreed silently, yes, it would be nice, actually.

* * *

Their first pit stop was after two hours. Anya left Lexa to pump the gas and she headed towards the toilets of the gas station. Raven entered the convenience store to get more snacks and Clarke returned to the car after she went to the toilet herself. As soon as they spotted a gas station, Clarke hopped off and went to the toilet in a bee line, the coffee had filled her bladder.

“I can keep an eye on that if you want to go to the toilet.” Clarke offered.

“It’s okay, it’s actually done.” Lexa removed the pump as soon as it signaled that the tank was in full.

Clarke was observing Lexa as she moved to return the pump. Lexa raised her arms to fix the tangled hose and her t-shirt rode up in the process revealing a flat stomach right above the rim of her shorts. Clarke suddenly looked away when she realized that she was being a creep.

“I’ll head to the toilet for a while.” Lexa motioned, remaining quite oblivious of Clarke’s stares.

“So, little Woods is all grown up.” Clarke jolted as Raven suddenly came up to her munching on a bag of potato chips with another bag of snacks tucked under her arms.

“What are you talking about?” Clarke pretended that she did not have a clue.

“I can see your heart eyes all the way from the rear view mirror.” Raven teased.

“She’s pretty, Rae. We all can see that.” Clarke turned around to check if Anya and Lexa were still out of earshot.

“Word on the street is that she used to have a crush on you since high school.” Raven winked, Clarke was not quick enough for a comeback. “You didn’t hear it from me.” Raven chuckled.

“How did you know that?” Clarke realized.

“I have my sources.” Raven winked again and this time Anya was walking towards them with a plastered grin.

Raven walked back to the car with Anya before Clarke could even say anything. It was news to her; a girl actually had a crush on her in high school. Clarke was used to the attention of jocks back then. She never thought that she had caught someone else’s eye, especially the shy and intelligent Lexa Woods.

* * *

The Blakes’ beach house was a stunning sight along the coast. It was an impressive two-storey with a several balconies, a sizeable deck and a spacious attic. The sidings were painted an azure blue together with the shutters, the rest of the millwork were in white. It had sturdy floorboards, white washed furniture and everything else had this nautical theme. A truck and a sedan were already parked out front, they were the last to arrive on site.

Bellamy had already started the grill when they arrived and the air smelled of grilled pork and burgers. Octavia was already running towards them before Anya could put the car into park. She met Clarke and Raven into a bone crushing hug. Bellamy, Lincoln and Bellamy’s boyfriend were nursing ice cold beers by the grill and Murphy and Ontari were setting up a hammock nearby. Everyone waved at them as they approached. Anya and Lexa started to unload the bags as Lincoln and Bellamy approached them to help. Octavia had already led Raven and Clarke into the house.

“It’s so nice to see everyone!” Octavia exclaimed.

“Hey!” Bellamy dropped the bag he was carrying and Raven jumped to embrace him, setting all awkwardness aside.

Anya, Lexa, and Lincoln followed suit and all the others entered the living room.

“Everyone, I would like you to meet Roan, my boyfriend.” Bellamy introduced a tall, muscular guy who was sporting a ponytail and a goatee. He was only wearing a pair of blue board shorts, his hairy chest exposed. Roan smiled at the newly arrived group. Bellamy and Roan both looked like surfer dudes but they actually made a lovely couple.

“Well, everyone knows Anya.” Raven introduced. “And her sister Lexa is actually joining us this summer. Don’t worry, Lexa knows everyone, may it be in good terms or bad.” Raven joked.

“Alright! Let’s get to room assignments then.” Octavia blurted out. “Since Bellamy is so kind, he decided to take the converted attic room with Roan. Lincoln and Murphy are taking one of the downstairs bedroom, Ontari and I will be sharing the opposite one since Murphy denies that they are dating and we will exchange rooms anyway.” Octavia informed the group and everyone laughed.

“Bite me.” Murphy spat back playfully.

“Raven, Bellamy is granting the use of the Master bedroom to you and Anya since you are in your honeymoon phase and it’s the one farthest in the back.” Octavia teased and Bellamy just winked at Raven. “He also reminds you to keep it down and keep it PG-13 in public areas. There are two and a half bathrooms that we all share.” Anya just smirked at that.

“So, that leaves the last guest bedroom for Clarke and Lexa to share.” Octavia ended like she was giving instructions to a tour group.

Little did they know that as the words sunk in, Lexa’s mind was running again. Is it a blessing or a curse? Being stuck in a room with your high school crush for a week, it can go both ways.

* * *

“There is only one bed.” Lexa whispered as she entered the room.

“Sorry, all the rooms here only have queen beds.” Clarke stated matter of factly. “Well, except for the attic, there are futons.”

Lexa was stunned at the threshold. Clarke started to settle in, unpacking some of her things. She eventually noticed Lexa’s unmoving form.

“Oh, I hope you are fine with this. Let me know if it’s too much. I know you don’t know me that well. I don’t really mind the couch, it’s actually a sectional, I passed out in that couch several times before and my back was never sore.” Clarke recalled.

Lexa suddenly realized how much her reaction was affecting Clarke. Clarke even offered to sleep on the couch instead. Inconveniencing her was the last thing in Lexa’s mind.

“No, no, it’s okay really. I don’t mind at all.” Lexa gulped, she hoped that she sounded convincing at least.

“Don’t worry I don’t move too much in my sleep. Also, the dorms are gonna be like this. You’ll share space with someone, this could be practice.” Clarke tried making Lexa feel comfortable.

“Yeah, you’re right. Actually, it is not that at all.” Lexa muttered and Clarke seemed to be waiting for more explanation. “I just hope it doesn’t look like I’m intruding with your summer. Your group has always been pretty close.”

Clarke grinned at the thought, she figured out what Lexa was feeling and she didn’t want her to feel like an outsider. “You know us, Lex. We are not really strangers. You know us more than Roan, he’s new. Though Anya used to be in a different crowd before she and Raven got together, it felt like she was always around. Some people may be intimidating at first, especially Murphy but we are not a tough crowd. These people are actually quite easy to please and get along with.”

Lexa flashed Clarke a coy smile. “Thank you for being welcoming.”

“Don’t worry too much, okay? We are here to have fun. Something tells me this is going to be a great summer.” Clarke was utterly convinced now; all her past qualms had been forgotten now that she’s very intrigued with Lexa.

* * *

On the first night, Lexa thought that she had everyone figured out. The air was quite chilly so they decided to put up a bonfire and everyone sat there in their shorts and sweaters. They shared burgers and s’mores, Bellamy was very good at the grill. As the night went on, they decided on a game of charades around the bonfire. Everyone paired off and being the only non-couple, Lexa was automatically paired off with Clarke, which she didn’t mind. Through that game, Lexa thought of all the other couples’ dynamics. Roan was not as smart as Bellamy so he always lets him take the lead. In her mind, Lexa concluded that Bellamy was a top and that Roan is a bottom, she smirked internally at that thought. Octavia and Lincoln were very competitive; they were always gunning for the “IT” couple status. Though Lincoln was quieter and Octavia was more outspoken, they worked well as a team. Her sister and Raven were equally as competitive, though they often butt heads internally. This was their weakness, disagreeing at some points but they were quick to forgive and move on. They actually didn’t take the game seriously. Murphy and Ontari had their own little bubble, they didn’t care if they will or lose but they had this seemingly telepathic connection. This made Lexa think of her dynamics with Clarke. Clarke was very competitive and so was she; they were both alpha females. But since they were the only non-couple, it felt like they had nothing to lose. They took risks, calculated risks and it paid off. There was an emerging sense of trust there and Lexa was overwhelmed by how well they worked together. Charades is a communication game; a game of symbols, language and shared experience. Clarke made the right gestures and Lexa made the right guesses. So, it was to her shock when they beat Lincoln and Octavia at the final round. Clarke was jumping up and down, her arm around Lexa’s shoulder. Clarke already had a few drinks in her and she was engaged in some trash talk with Octavia and Raven. Lexa continued to take sips of the sole beer bottle that she decided to consume for the night. She didn’t want to be inebriated and act weird since she shared a room with Clarke.

“Are you okay, kiddo?” Anya draped an arm around her younger sister. “Do you still regret tagging along?”

“I’m having fun, I hope you are.” Lexa gave her sister a knowing look.

“She’s just great isn’t she?” Anya was looking at Raven as Clarke and Octavia were playfully tackling her into the sand

“Yes, she is.” Lexa replied while looking at the other girl who had fiery blonde hair and a smile that reached her eyes.

* * *

Lexa went to bed earlier than Clarke did. Clarke spent more time reminiscing snuggled with Octavia and Raven at the beach until they decided to turn in by midnight. The house was already quiet when Clarke entered the room but Lexa was still awake though she had her eyes closed.

“Lexa,” Clarke whispered waving at Lexa’s face, Lexa was stiff as a board and she felt the bed dip as Clarke moved closer.

Lexa could smell a hint of alcohol from Clarke’s breath. She had been drinking tequila with the others but she knew that she was not that drunk. There was no point of pretending that she was asleep so she opened one eye.

“You’re awake!” Clarke lighted up and Lexa realized that she was incredibly close.

“Yeah,” Lexa whispered back.

“I forgot to thank you for winning with me; I get to brag at Raven and Octavia.” Clarke laughed; Lexa could not get enough of that sound tonight. She liked making Clarke laugh.

“You’re welcome.” Lexa smiled.

“Hey, can you be my partner this summer?” Initially, Lexa didn’t exactly know what Clarke meant. “Win all the games with me.” Clarke clarified.

Lexa eventually realized what she was asking. “Sure, Clarke.”

“Great! Thank you!” Clarke exclaimed and she eventually unconsciously started to tap her hand lightly on Lexa’s stomach. This action lulled Lexa to sleep.

They woke up in the same position the next morning, Lexa was unmoving like a board and Clarke draped around on more than half of the bed with one hand on Lexa’s stomach. Lexa panicked and removed herself quietly from Clarke’s hold. Clarke on the other hand was too embarrassed of her actions and pretended that she didn’t have a clue about how they fell asleep that night.

* * *

On the next day, Bellamy had arranged a game of beach volleyball together with some of his neighbors. Bellamy had formed a team during breakfast; it included a good selection of athletes from the group. Roan, Anya, Lincoln, Octavia, Bellamy, and Clarke will all be playing. Raven was good at volleyball but playing in sand was more difficult for her since she had a leg injury from a bike accident in middle school. Murphy volunteered as referee and Ontari was on the scoreboard. They were up against the Blakes’ neighbor Kyle and some of his friends. The other team looked intimidating; there were three tall guys named Gustus, Ryder, and Nyko and two limber-looking women named Echo and Becca.

Lexa decided to watch and cheer, as Bellamy was teasing and trash talking his friend Kyle. Lexa put on a pair of dark sunglasses, which matched her black bikini with high-waisted bottoms. Clarke could not concentrate on Bellamy’s game play as she noticed Lexa by the sidelines. Raven plopped down on a beach towel beside Lexa, she had a red one-piece on and a red bandanna with paisley patterns tied around her head.

“Look who they are up against! Bell has always pestered Kyle; he lost for two consecutive summers in the past.” Raven chuckled.

“You don’t think they stand a chance?” Lexa was thankful for her dark glasses. Her eyes did not leave Clarke for a second. She wasn’t staring at her in a pervy way. She’s just admiring her form in that navy blue bikini and swim shorts bottoms. Clarke told her that she felt that the shorts were more comfortable for the game as soon as they left the room that morning.

“I’ll bet you twenty, they’ll lose.” Raven smirked.

“You’re on.” Lexa realized that Lincoln and Anya were now in the team, Raven should have more faith in them. Her sister wasn’t much of a varsity player but she got game.

It turns out Bellamy was a good libero. Lincoln blocked almost every shot and Anya was a great hitter. Not to mention that Clarke was an impressive setter. She was setting up all the hard spikes for Anya and Octavia. Clarke often gave an occasional wink and smile at Raven and Lexa’s direction whenever they score. This gesture gave Lexa butterflies.

The tall muscular guys in Kyle’s team were just too slow, they often sunk or stumbled in the sand. At the end of the game, Bellamy and Kyle were just engaged in friendly banter under the net. Of course, a keg of beer was what was at stake for the game.

“Thank you, Kyle! I save on beer money.” Bellamy was still taunting a breathless Kyle.

“I think you owe me twenty.” Lexa chuckled at Raven.

“Damn, this is what I get if I bet against my friends!” Raven kicked the sand.

“You made a bet?” Anya inquired as she approached them.

“She bet against you!” Lexa ratted Raven to her sister.

“That’s a great foundation for our relationship, Rae.” Anya raised an eyebrow at her girlfriend.

“Bellamy’s team loses everytime. I thought it was an easy twenty.” Raven defended. “I was just stressing that you guys wouldn’t win without me.” Raven huffed.

“Well, I’m on the team this year, babe.” Anya winked.

“I guess I’m twenty dollars richer then.” Lexa quipped.

“Pay up, Rae. Don’t hustle my sister.” Anya placed a light slap on her girlfriend’s butt.

“Alright, alright, let’s go get my wallet.” Raven dragged her girlfriend back into the house.

If Lexa knew any better, the couple might be up to something more than just to pay her up. She laughed at herself knowing that she won’t be getting that twenty dollar bill anytime soon.

After that light banter with Raven and Anya, Lexa focused her attention back to the makeshift volleyball court in front of her. The others were already swimming at the beach with their previous opponents. Lexa searched for the blonde but she regretted what she saw in her line of sight. There stood Clarke under the net involved in a flirty conversation with one of the guys, she thinks this one was named Ryder. Tall, buff, hairy and tight board shorts; Clarke held on to his arm while she laughed at something he said. Lexa could feel her stomach churning at the scene. Well, just when she thought that this would be an unforgettable summer, everything else went south for her.

* * *

If Lexa thought that the evening would be any better, it only got worse. When Kyle brought in the beer keg that evening, Bellamy had invited everyone else to join. The music in the house was in full blast and the now bigger group was spread out around the house. Bellamy and Kyle were still in their competitive nature and they were busy with a rowdy game of beer pong with Roan, Nyko, Gustus, and Kyle’s girlfriend Echo.

Octavia was somewhere in the house probably making out with Lincoln. Murphy and Ontari were talking to Becca since they found out that they went to the same university. Out at the deck were Raven, Anya and Clarke, and of course Ryder, who never left Clarke’s side since they arrived. They were engaged in a card game called “Bullshit” that Lexa could not even understand. Anya was too busy with the game that she did not notice her sister walk past them but Raven saw her.

Lexa felt that the house was getting too loud. She did not go to a lot of high school parties; much of her time was taken up by student council duties and studying. But she knew what went on in parties. This might be a preview of college life then, Lexa told herself. People have fun, get drunk, flirt, or maybe even sleep with someone. She could not shake off the thought of Clarke and Ryder flirting. If they do end up kissing or sleeping together tonight, where would she go? Maybe Clarke would be respectful enough not to bring him to their room. Maybe she could just sleep on the couch then or stay at the beach until morning, Murphy’s hammock was still there. So much for being partners during this trip, well, that’s what Clarke said. Lexa laughed at herself, these people must think that she’s so naive.

Lexa was in deep contemplation when she realized that she was already walking along the shore line, her feet waded along the soft waves and cold water. Lexa didn’t want to be melancholic, she just found herself out of place when the crowd got bigger. Also, there’s a thing called self-preservation. Perhaps she should not look so much into Clarke’s politeness. Lexa looked up and realized that the stars were out tonight, the sky was clear in these parts, not like in the city. Lexa was wearing a black hoodie over her tank top and denim shorts. She carried her flip-flops and she realized that the wind and the water were getting colder as she continued to gaze at the stars. Perhaps she should head back soon. She thought of sleeping early but with all the noise and perhaps the inevitable awkwardness when Clarke does decide to take Ryder to their room, Lexa hesitated. Where would she go?

Lexa was in deep contemplation when she suddenly heard someone call out her name from behind.

“Hey, Lexa!” It wasn’t Anya.

Lexa turned and was surprised to see Clarke in front of her. She was wearing an oversized t-shirt and her bra straps peaked from her shoulder. She had on a pair of distressed denim jeans and she ran barefoot. Lexa did not reply right away, she didn’t know what to say. Was she sulking?

“Hey, what are you doing out here? Raven saw you so I told Anya that I would come and get you.” Clarke explained with a smile.

“I just...I noticed the stars are out.” Lexa pointed up at the night sky awkwardly.

Clarke let out a small laugh. “Of course, expect Lexa Woods to notice the details.”

Clarke and Lexa shared a tender gaze, until Lexa told herself to snap out of it. Just focus on self-preservation, remember?

“Sorry for drifting out here. I guess we should head back to the party.” Lexa offered.

“Can we not?” Clarke suddenly blurted out. “Well, not yet, please.”

Lexa gave Clarke a confused look.

“Can you just keep on walking for a bit...” Clarke urged on. Lexa attempted to look back to the house but Clarke gestured for her not to look.

“What’s wrong Clarke?” Lexa wondered.

“I’m just avoiding someone.” Clarke whispered. “I volunteered to check on you just to get away.”

Lexa continued to give her a baffled look.

“Well, it’s that Ryder guy. I was just polite to him after the game this morning and now he’s somehow into me.” Clarke huffed. “He’s just too forward and he just seems slimy now, you know what I mean?”

“Oh...” Lexa realized. “I thought you were into him, too.”

“What?” Clarke looked annoyed.

“Well, I saw you guys flirting this morning...” Lexa stated.

“Nope, no way, he reminds me so much of my ex. He approached me and I was just being polite.” Clarke explained.

“Finn?” Lexa did not realize that she blurted that out.

“Yeah, Finn. Well, we just dated because I was polite to him, too and eventually I could not shake him off. But then I was not minding him so much and so he cheated. I know better not to just be polite with guys like him.” Clarke explained.

“Wow, really? I thought you guys were in love. You were a popular couple back then.” Lexa was awed at the new information.

“Wow, in love is such a big word. We were just dating, Lex. It was nothing serious, people just made a big deal about it.” Clarke huffed. “Again, I was polite enough not to embarrass him at school after what he did. Well, come to think of it, I could have.” Clarke sighed.

“That’s good to know, I thought you were really into guys like him.” Lexa’s smile did not reach her ears.

“Certainly not, I’m done being polite to people, they get the wrong signals.” Clarke declared.

“Well, that’s good to know, too.” Lexa mumbled and then she realized that probably Clarke was just being polite to her, too and that she should not get the wrong signals.

Clarke noticed that Lexa’s demeanor had gone somber. “Hey, are you alright, Lex?”

“Yeah, I just had a thought.” Lexa replied flatly.

“What thought?” Clarke inquired.

“Well, based on what you told me, how can you tell if someone is just polite or is actually into you? I mean, Anya thinks I’m clueless most of the time. Since you have experience with people, you can probably help me out.” Lexa decided to put her walls down.

“Well, you can fake flirting. But you know what you can’t fake?” Clarke stepped closer towards Lexa, Lexa was frozen in her spot.

Lexa and Clarke exchanged an intense gaze. Clarke did not flinch and Lexa gulped and eventually looked away.

“It’s how nervous and tongue-tied they get during an intense moment.” Clarke smirked. If Lexa knew better, Clarke was either toying with her or emphasizing something.

Lexa realized that she was caught but Clarke just laughed hysterically and started splashing water towards Lexa with her foot. Lexa was surprised at first but then she retaliated. They were a soaking mess when they walked back to the house. Anya and Raven just shared a high-five and knowing looks.

* * *

It was their fourth day and things had gone better between Lexa and Clarke. Lexa was at peace when she found out that Kyle and his gang had already left the beach to take a camping trip up in the nearby mountains the following day after the party. Clarke was more enthusiastic that Ryder was already out of the way. He pressed for her number but Clarke was already adamant not to keep his hopes up. So, she hid inside their room talking to Lexa until the group had left that evening.

Today, Clarke was in charge of dinner. Raven kept on pestering Clarke to prepare Abby’s recipe for grilled fish. The area was known for smallmouth and largemouth bass but you had to wake up early to get to the catch of the local anglers at the market. Clarke glared at Raven for her request but Bellamy promised to take Clarke to the market at dawn.

That morning Bellamy was still sound asleep since he had too much to drink the previous night. Clarke was ready and prepared at the doorway but she hesitated to check on Bellamy at the attic. Who knows what those boys were up to the previous evening? Clarke had already decided to walk alone to the market when their bedroom door suddenly burst open. Lexa walked out in a maroon Arkadia High sweatshirt, tight jeans, and a snapback.

“It’s too early for you to be up.” Clarke noted as she stood in the front door in a top dye grey t-shirt and acid washed jeans.

“I noticed that Bellamy ditched you, I can go with you to the market.” Lexa offered as she looked for their car keys in the sideboard where Anya left it.

“He probably had too much to drink last night.” Clarke informed. “Did I wake you?”

“I’m a light sleeper, Clarke. I heard you move around and when I did not hear Bellamy. I figured that you had probably decided to go alone.” Lexa found the car keys. “I’ll drive for you if you know the way.”

“You’re sweet, Lexa Woods.” Clarke beamed at Lexa as she grabbed on to her arm as they left the house.

* * *

Lexa was glad that she accompanied Clarke to the market, it was actually a farmer’s market. A lot of local produce were sold, some stalls even sold breakfast food. There were some tables laid out in a patio. Lexa marveled at the sights, sounds and smells at the market; everything seemed so fresh. Lexa was amazed at how organized Clarke drifted amidst the crowd. She knew what she needed and she knew how to check on the quality of produce. After about an hour, the sun was already up and the two canvas bags that Lexa carried were filled with fresh parsley, tarragon, garlic, lemons, horseradish, and pecans. Clarke also grabbed a bottle of olive oil and the fish were wrapped in paper.

“How did you learn how to cook?” Lexa asked as Clarke just left a stall with a bottle of white wine vinegar.

“Well, my mother being a surgeon often spent a lot of time at the hospital. My dad often prepared dinners and my mom would leave behind recipes. We often cooked for her, sometimes we failed, sometimes it was experimental but it was fun. Sometimes we tried things that we saw on TV. Dad often says that if it smells and tastes just like how mom prepares it, then it must be right.” Clarke recalled.

“Your dad sounds great, I’m sorry about what happened to him.” Lexa knew about Jake’s accident, she heard about it from Raven and Anya.

“Thank you, I miss him every day. So, sometimes cooking helps but then I never really had time to cook in college.” Clarke muttered.

“Will you teach me this recipe?” Lexa tried to cheer Clarke up.

“Of course, but before anything else. I saw some breakfast food. Since we are here, why not eat, yeah? We are already preparing dinner; they should cook their own breakfast.” Clarke dragged Lexa by the arm. Lexa just followed, quite giddy with having to spend some time with Clarke.

They shared a serving of blueberry pancakes and eggs benedict. They also enjoyed the coffee. They talked about some moments in the past. They talked about their school, their teachers and some embarrassing and memorable moments. Lexa was at ease and Clarke was nothing but fascinated.

When they returned to the beach house, Clarke picked on Bellamy for ditching her that morning. But she wasn’t that mad though, she actually had him to thank for that private morning with Lexa.

* * *

On their fifth night, the group had decided to watch a movie. Much to Clarke’s liking, Octavia picked a horror movie; it was about a boy who astral projects and evil spirits compete to possess his body. Clarke hates horror movies, especially ones that are very graphic and images tend to follow you in your sleep. All throughout the movie, Raven was trapped in between Anya and Clarke in one segment of the sectional sofa. Anya muttered curses under her breath while squeezing Raven’s hand and Clarke was tucked under Raven’s armpit. Lexa sat crossed-legged on the floor with her back on the foot of the sofa below Raven and Clarke’s tucked legs. There were times that Clarke almost kicked Lexa whenever she jolted at some scenes. She muttered apologies but Lexa just continued watching and made sure that the bowl of popcorn was safe from their scared reactions.

By the time that everyone decided to go to bed, they were scaring Clarke until the lights went off.

“Are you alright, Clarke?” Lexa asked the now wide-eyed blonde beside her. They were already about to sleep, the room was dark and a sliver of moonlight entered the room from the window.

“I hate scary movies!” Clarke exclaimed. “Why weren’t you scared?” She turned to Lexa. Lexa was staring absentmindedly at the ceiling.

“Well, the actors are just people and that was just a story.” Lexa chuckled.

“I hate it when I can’t get those scary images off my brain. Good thing I’m not alone tonight or I won’t fall asleep.” Clarke sighed.

“Want to talk about something else? Just to get your mind off things?” Lexa offered.

“Well, yeah we can do that.” Clarke hummed. “But can you do me a favor first, Lex?”

“Sure.” Lexa turned towards Clarke and she saw how Clarke’s blue eyes glistened under the moonlight.

“Will you please go with me to the bathroom? I really need to pee.” Clarke requested without hesitation.

Lexa chuckled before jolting upright. “Of course, Clarke. C’mon, you should not get a bladder problem in the expense of a scary movie.”

“Thank you.” Clarke muttered.

Lexa was mindful enough to turn on the hallway lights for Clarke as they headed towards the downstairs bathroom. When Clarke entered the bathroom, she turned and hesitated but eventually she found courage to ask Lexa, “Can you please stay? Anything might startle me.” Clarke explained.

“You mean I should watch you pee?” Lexa joked.

“No, sorry, nothing like that. Can you just please stand by the door and turn your back or something? I’m really sorry, Lex. Raven often does these things for me but you know the circumstances.” Clarke pleaded.

Lexa was amused by how scared and candid Clarke was but she knew better than to pick on her. She could feel Clarke tense up and shake when they walked, so, she shouldn’t make fun of her. Lexa did as what Clarke suggested. She kept the door open but had her back turned against Clarke, her form blocking the door. “No problem Clarke, Anya gets scared, too. So, I get it but you get more scared than her.” Lexa kept on talking while Clarke peed to ease the awkwardness.

When Lexa heard the toilet flush and Clarke washing her hands by the faucet, she grasped a small, “thank you” from Clarke under the sound of the water.

Just when she was about to move away, she was suddenly hugged by Clarke from behind. It was a hug of appreciation, tight and heartfelt. “Thank you for not making fun of me, Lex.”

“Hey, it’s cool, no problem.” Lexa sunk into the hug, placing her palms over Clarke’s on her stomach.

Lexa held Clarke’s hand tightly as she turned off the hallway lights and they walked towards their room along the dim corridor. “You should never watch horror movies again.” Lexa muttered.

“Sorry, I just gave in to peer pressure tonight. I get serious nightmares you know.” Clarke explained.

“Don’t worry, I’m here.” Lexa whispered with a smile.

They lay in bed and talked about other things for a while. They talked about food, places they visited, and books; anything that would distract Clarke. After a while, they fell into peaceful sleep with Clarke scooting closer towards Lexa as the night progressed.

* * *

Their sixth day was not so eventful because it rained. The winds were not strong but the downpour was just heavy. The weather had been unpredictable lately and Anya kept on muttering something about climate change. The group stayed indoors and they just spent most of the time reminiscing and playing card games. Clarke and Bellamy made chocolate drinks for a change; the colder weather was perfect for it.

The group sat around the living room. Nineties romcoms and teen movies played in the background as they shared anecdotes about high school. Roan was so amused when people started sharing about how awkward Bellamy and Raven were when they were together. Murphy and Ontari finally admitted that they were dating. They actually swapped rooms with Lincoln and Octavia on the first night. Eventually, they finally picked on Clarke and the series of fuckboys that chased her around in high school.

“Contrary to popular belief, Clarke is actually queen bee.” Octavia was telling Roan.

“Yeah, she had a swarm of admirers. But she picked the dumbest one.” Raven was referring to Finn.

“Hey, he was good looking and popular. In my defense, it was as good as it gets.” Clarke had her arm draped at the back of the sofa, her feet propped up on the seat and she was sitting beside Lexa.

Lexa was wearing her glasses this time and she was in comfy pajamas. To say that Clarke was distracted by this sexy nerd look was an understatement.

“How about you, Lex? I heard you ruled the school when we graduated.” Bellamy realized.

Anya gave her sister a knowing look; she knew that Lexa hated being put on the spot. But at this point, Lexa didn’t mind, she had become comfortable with the group.

“Well, not like you guys were popular. Nothing like that, I mean, people had to follow, I was student council president.” Lexa explained. “I had command, not influence.”

“Hey, don’t put yourself down. I mean you were valedictorian, too and that’s cool.” Raven quipped. “I mean if I could go back, I had probably paid more attention. Good thing I got that scholarship. If I exerted more effort I could have gave that Monty Green a run for his money.” Monty was their class valedictorian. With that comment, Raven perhaps earned some points with Anya.

“Yeah, you’re right. After everything, we eventually realized the things that really matter.” Bellamy agreed. “I mean if I could go back, I could have come out earlier. I mean, I could show those boys that a gay man got good game. Perhaps not a lot of boys would suffer in the closet especially if they were great athletes.” Roan gave Bellamy a tender look after his statement.

“How about you Clarke, what would you do if you could go back?” Octavia noticed that Clarke looked pensive.

“Well,” Clarke thought. “I could perhaps paid more attention, too.” This time she was looking directly at Lexa.

* * *

It came to their last night. Bellamy told everyone to make sure that they finished all the liquor, not that there was much left anyway. Bellamy and Roan finished the last bottle of vodka and they were now at the beach with their backs on a mat, stargazing. Murphy and Ontari were cuddled on the hammock, whispering sweet nothings to each other. Lincoln and Octavia had disappeared to their room earlier and Lexa noticed that Anya and Raven were about to do the same. They were giggling as they went up the stairs; Lexa had never seen her sister so happy.

Lexa was finishing up with the dishes when Clarke walked in the kitchen.

“How come you never talked to me in high school?” Clarke sat on the counter. Lexa knew that Clarke was sober, she actually just had one beer that night and it was their final evening.

“I was a year younger, our worlds were different.” Lexa replied as she dried her hands on a dish cloth.

“It was true what I said earlier...” Clarke whispered.

“Huh?” Lexa did not really know what Clarke meant.

“When I said that I could have paid more attention.” Clarke made a lopsided grin.

“There was so much noise in high school, we don’t really see people right away.” Lexa replied as she moved next to Clarke. “If we met back then, would it really change things?”

“Maybe, perhaps...” Clarke contemplated.

“Alright, maybe I should come clean then,” Lexa finally found some courage. “I had a crush on you...”

“I knew it!” Clarke interrupted in glee.

“Wait,” Lexa prompted Clarke to settle down. “Listen first, okay?” Lexa requested and Clarke nodded in reply.

“I had a crush on you, Clarke, not because I thought you were hot. Well, that’s a given but that’s not the only reason.” Lexa continued and Clarke furrowed her brows. “I had a crush on you because I thought you didn’t fit all the stereotypes even if people thought otherwise. At first, I saw some of your paintings at the art room. Then, I heard you boost up your squad’s energy during cheer practice. I also heard you during debate. I hope you won’t think of me as a stalker, all those encounters were circumstantial.” Lexa recounted. “But then, when I heard that you were dating Finn, my bubble just burst since it was the most stereotypical thing to do. But whenever I see you at school, that admiration was still there. I saw what a great friend and student you were. I never told anyone about this crush except for Anya since she realized that I would usually get interested whenever your name comes up. So there, I harbored that crush and I know that there is no chance that I would even get this talk with you. But throughout this week, you had me proven wrong; I mean that crush just came back and...” But before Lexa could finish, Clarke had already interrupted her in the most surprising way.

Clarke had hastily cupped her chin and without hesitation, pecked Lexa’s lips softly. Clarke searched Lexa’s eyes for a reaction but when Lexa moved to hold her neck, they were then engaged in a liplock. It was careful at first and then it got a bit intense. Clarke could not shake the feeling of bliss as she paused for a breath. Lexa licked her swollen lips and suddenly burst into laughter with her hands now on both sides of Clarke’s hips and Clarke was still seated on the kitchen counter.

“This is not how I imagined my summer to turn out.” Lexa grinned.

“Well, I almost didn’t come.” Clarke chuckled.

“I think it’s the best summer so far.” Lexa declared.

“Yeah, I think it is.” Clarke kissed Lexa again. “So, what do you think of my previous offer? Would you want to be my roommate?” Clarke smiled mischievously.

Lexa’s thoughts started spinning again. She thought about her first day on campus with Clarke. She imagined waking up next to her. She pictured going on dates with her; trying new restaurants, watching non-horror films, lurking in bookstores, and studying in coffee shops. She thought about plane rides and traveling back and forth to Arkadia. She thought about the holidays and spending it with their friends and their family. She thought about playing charades as a couple in the future. The scenes were like moving pictures in her mind. She wanted that, all of that and never in her wildest dreams that she would now hear Clarke telling her that she probably wanted that, too. Before Lexa could drift away, any further Clarke had tapped her back to reality.

“So, what do you think, Lex? Me and you, Mount Weather? I would pay more attention this time.” Clarke wiggled her eyerows at Lexa.

“Uhm, sure, let me think about it.” Lexa teased with a giggle and Clarke jabbed her shoulder lightly.

At that moment, they both knew that this was going to be the beginning of one crazy adventure.

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fic a day, keeps us sane in every way!


	5. Dancing with a Stranger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been three months since Clarke and Lexa broke up. Have they finally moved on or are they still stuck in limbo? 
> 
> Inspired by the song Dancing with a Stranger by Sam Smith and Normani
> 
> “I don't wanna be alone tonight   
> It's pretty clear that I'm not over you”

* * *

“It has been three months.” Clarke sighed to herself.

“Exactly, Clarke! It has been three months and do we see Lexa anywhere?” Raven made an incredulous look.

“Isn’t there like an unspoken rule that it’s safe to move on after three months?” Octavia joined the duo, placing their drinks on the coffee table in front of them.

The trio where in their favorite small quaint cafe near the university. Briefly, right after their graduation they all found themselves back on campus. Raven was working as a researcher at the engineering department. Octavia started as a teaching assistant and Clarke was pursuing graduate school. They found themselves still hanging out at the same coffee shop after work.

“Do you even know where she is?” Octavia raised an eyebrow while sipping her latte.

“I don’t know, Anya said that she went to some retreat somewhere.” Clarke huffed. She has only heard from Lexa’s best friend, so far.

“She just upped and left without a word, Clarke and hasn’t called you for like, what?” Raven was waiting for Clarke’s reply.

“Two months...” Clarke muttered.

Clarke and Lexa were college sweethearts. They met at an acquaintance party, they became fast friends and before their sophomore year, they started dating. Everything went well, until graduation. As a graduate of development studies, Lexa’s work in a non-profit entailed a lot of travelling. Out of 365 days in the past year, Clarke had only seen Lexa for about 30 days. The sudden distance, the immediate change in their routine affected their communication a lot. Lexa was always on the move, Clarke felt stagnant. There were moments of doubts, the other not fully knowing what the other one was up to for several weeks in a row. Not to mention that one of Lexa’s co-workers had always made Clarke jealous and they were always together for field assignments. Lexa had always talked about travelling with Costia, sampling new food with Costia, or even sharing a hotel room with Costia. Clarke trusted Lexa, she knew that Lexa was telling her everything but she didn’t trust Costia, especially after she met her in one office party. Clarke squirmed internally; she knew that the looks Costia had for Lexa was way more than friendly. On the other hand, Clarke had started to form a bond with her new classmate, Wells. They wrote term papers together, attended conferences together and this also drove Lexa mad. The idea of not seeing each other for a long period had led them to paranoia. There were moments of anger, pride, and insecurity and the more they confronted these feelings, the more chaotic and damaged their relationship became. It took them another 30 days to walk on eggshells around each other until they decided to take a break. Now, it’s almost 90 days since Lexa had stormed out of Clarke’s apartment and they haven’t talked except for a few drunken texts from Clarke. It has been two months since Lexa last replied to a voicemail from Clarke. All she said in a SMS was, _maybe we should give each other some space for a while_.

“Well, fuck that! Let’s go out tonight; it’s a Friday after all!” Raven declared tapping her palm on the coffee table.

“You do need to stop moping around and try to move on, Clarke.” Octavia murmured.

“I don’t think I’m in the mood guys.” Clarke tried to reason. She had spent the past few Fridays staying at home looking intensely at the door hoping that Lexa would barge in at any moment.

“C’mon, Clarke. For all we know, Lexa is in some island at the Mediterranean already hooking up with some girl.” Raven pointed out.

Clarke imagined that Lexa could probably be with Costia now and she just felt that intense churning at the pit of her stomach, it could make her gag.

“Look, we are not saying that you drop Lexa all together. Obviously, you guys haven’t sorted your shit out. But your life shouldn’t stop just because she left a huge gap. We miss you Clarke, what’s one night out with your friends?” Octavia pleaded.

Clarke stared at her coffee for a while. Octavia had a point; her life shouldn’t stop just because Lexa is gone. What if Lexa doesn’t come back? Maybe her friends have a point; she should at least rebuild her life with the possibility of not having Lexa around. “Okay then, I’ll go out tonight!” Clarke finally gave in.

* * *

“You have been back for three days, Lex; we shouldn’t spend it being cooped up in your dusty studio.” Anya walked over to the living room where Lexa was lounging glued to some documentary. She came from the kitchen grabbing a cold beer from Lexa’s fridge. “When was the last time you had this place cleaned?” Anya checked the dust on the side table with her finger.

“I just feel tired lately, An.” Lexa mumbled without looking away from the television screen.

“Clarke called me a couple of times you know.” Anya informed as she took a swig of her beer, propping her legs up on the sofa.

“Did she?” Anya caught Lexa’s attention. “What did you say to her?”

“She wanted to find out where you were. So, I told her what you said that you were going away for a while.” Anya explained. Lexa remained stoic.

“Did that retreat with guru whoever help you in any way?” Anya inquired. Lexa simply nodded in response.

Lexa went on a weeklong retreat to some healing center. Lexa did find some spiritual healing but she was still confused with what to do with Clarke. She had reconciled the fact that Clarke may never understand the demand of her line of work. So, she was left with two things; to keep her job and let go of Clarke or to stay with Clarke and find a new job that would make her more available to Clarke. It was going to be a tough decision, she knew that she could ask Clarke about it but she had somehow found ways to delay it, too afraid of Clarke’s reaction.

“A girl like Griffin will not wait on you forever.” Anya mumbled beside her.

“What do you mean by that?” Lexa pondered.

“Clarke is easy on the eyes and has a great personality. Also, she’s bisexual, so that’s double the playing field. What I’m trying to say, Lex is that, someone like Clarke is less likely to have a hard time moving on. So, either you kiss and make up soon or give this girl some closure.” Anya explained.

“May I remind you that she broke up with me?” Lexa recalled how Clarke accused her of being interested with Costia leading to an argument that caused their break-up.

“Well, based on our last phone call, I don’t think that she had fully made up her mind yet. I just wished that you sorted this out before running away to some secluded utopia to clear your head.” Anya pointed out.

“You think she still wants to sort this out? It has been three months.” Lexa realized.

“Exactly, Lex! It has been three months and she was still calling me about you last week.” Anya shared. “She deserves to hear from you. If you ask me, the ball is at your court now.”

“Perhaps it is.” Lexa thought.

“Anyway, a high school friend of mine is opening a club downtown, we should check it out.” Anya tried to change the subject.

“That’s your immediate solution for all my problems?” Lexa furrowed her brows.

“I don’t have all the answers, Lex. All I’m saying is that it is a Friday night, something new is happening downtown and I’m here to take you out.” Anya clarified. “No funny business for you if you like, you can be the designated driver. All I’m saying is that I miss you and can you at least consider being my wing woman for tonight?” Anya batted her lashes.

“You are so full of crap Anya Bergmann! Everything always ends up to your benefit.” Lexa bantered.

“I’m a selfish prick, Lexa Woods that I know. So, just get your ass up and try to be a good friend, if only for tonight!” Anya urged.

* * *

Lexa was surprised that there was a line at the door but Anya directed her to keep on walking and the burly bouncer just allowed them to walk past the crowd without a word. Despite the discreet facade, Polis was a bustling club with techno music. The atmosphere inside reminded Lexa of European rave parties in warehouses, the club looked like it was set up in a huge basement. The DJ was up in a pulpit-like structure and the bar glowed with neon lights. The bass music was good, it wasn’t too deafening and it did not make Lexa’s heart beat faster than it should.

“Hey! Anya!” A tall pale guy with slick back hair and a tight shirt greeted Anya, the two buttons of his shirt were popped open revealing a smooth hairless chest.

“Hey Murph!” Anya greeted him with a peck on the cheek. “This is Lexa.”

“Hey, Lexa! John Murphy at your service.” The man bowed, almost spilling his drink on hand. “Any friend of Anya’s is also mine. There’s a booth up the VIP section for you. It’s opening night, it’s ladies’ night, and chicas drink for free.” Murphy winked.

“Hey Murph, Lexa and I play for the same team.” Anya elbowed the club owner.

“Oh, mea culpa. I should have known. Anyway, just enjoy ladies’ night. Lincoln, my barman makes a mean Manhattan.” Murphy points at his bar. “Or you guys can just take a bottle up there.” He pointed at the VIP section.

“Lexa is more of a Negroni type of girl.” Anya draped an arm over Lexa’s shoulders.

“Whatever you guys want, he knows how to make it.” Murphy beamed. “Anyway, I’ll walk around for a while.” Murphy excused himself.

“Interesting dude.” Lexa muttered.

“So, you are into dudes now?” Anya chuckled.

“You always know how to take me out of context.” Lexa elbowed her friend.

The duo walked towards the bar to order their drinks. As soon as they were near, Lexa recognized someone familiar talking to the bartender.

“Octavia?” Lexa suddenly realized.

Octavia was perhaps flirting with the barman but her expression changed when she realized who was next to her.

“Lexa?” Octavia looked surprised. “Since when are you back?” The bartender gave Octavia an understanding look and he proceeded to tend to the other customers in the vicinity.

Lexa was caught in panic, if Octavia learned that she was already back for a few days but still gave Clarke the silent treatment, it may make matters worse.

“Just a couple of days ago. Anyway, I’m responsible for dragging Lexa out here.” Anya suddenly went for a save.

“Is Clarke here?” Lexa blurted out.

“Right there!” Octavia pointed out at the dance floor.

There in the middle of the dancefloor under purple neon lights, Clarke’s golden mane glistened. It had been a long time since Lexa last saw her, her stomach churned at the sight of Clarke. Clarke was wearing a tight fitting red halter-top dress that accentuated her arms and breasts. The sight made Lexa gulp but as soon as she realized Clarke’s surroundings, her expression soured. Clarke was on the dance floor with Raven but both of them were dancing dangerously close with two guys. Raven was dancing with a tall muscular blonde and Clarke looked extremely close with a greasy brown-haired guy. Clarke seemingly did not care that the guy was almost rubbing himself on her. If Lexa wasn’t as clear-headed as she was, she could have stormed to the dance floor and jumped at the guy. But she knew that it was no longer her place and Clarke never liked to be treated like she was helpless. Raven and Octavia were there and they could very much protect Clarke. So, Lexa decided to do the noble thing, it was to walk away, again. If Clarke had decided to move on, she should not interfere and the club was not the best place to talk. Lexa motioned for Lincoln to hand her a bottle of Jameson and two glasses.

“It was nice seeing you, Tav. Enjoy the night! Anya and I will just be up there.” Lexa grabbed the whiskey and the glasses and pointed at one of the VIP booths. “See you around.” She began to walk away before Octavia can answer.

Anya and Octavia gave each other pitiful looks, they knew what was going on in Lexa’s head and it wasn’t what they were hoping for.

* * *

“I think I need to go to the bathroom.” Clarke yelled to Raven under the blasting music of the club. Raven just nodded in agreement, as she continued to dance with the blonde that she just met a while ago, his name was Kirk or Kyle or something.

Clarke was dancing with his friend, Finn, at least Clarke remembered his name. He seemed to be sweet at first but as soon as they hit the dancefloor, he became a bit too close. Clarke was a little smashed after downing several shots but she was still aware of how touchy Finn was becoming. So, her knee-jerk reaction was to eventually excuse herself and collect her senses at the bathroom. Dancing used to make her feel free; it made her feel lightheaded and relaxed. But dancing with Finn felt quite wrong, it just didn’t feel right. “Excuse me for a while, Finn.” Clarke extricated herself from him and she went for a beeline to the toilets without looking back. Finn was left dumbfounded but then he turned to another blonde-haired woman that winked at him and soon enough he was grinding his hips with her.

As soon as Clarke reached the sink, she looked at herself at the mirror. “You can do this!” She made an internal chant. “You can do this!” She told her reflection.

Suddenly, Octavia came barging into the bathroom. “Clarke, she’s here.” Was all she needed to say.

“What?” Clarke felt like it was so surreal.

“I saw her at the bar, she’s with Anya.” Octavia confirmed and soon enough, Clarke’s world came crumbling down again. Octavia just enveloped her in a tight hug as Clarke sobbed soundlessly onto her shoulder.

* * *

“Hey, stranger.” A brown-haired woman approached Lexa at their booth.

Lexa was already a bit tipsy as she was already halfway through the bottle of Jameson with Anya. She took several shots straight up just to get rid of the awful feeling that she was having the moment she saw Clarke. She wanted to numb herself down, wanted to remain unaffected. Suddenly, this woman was at their booth and Lexa raised her eyebrow at her.

“I’m sorry,” The girl’s demeanor changed, she looked less confident. “I hope I’m not reading you wrong but I’m just playing a silly game with my friends and they just dared me to get your number.” The woman admitted in a whisper.

Anya almost chuckled at the thought. “You did not read us wrong, dear. We are both gay but not together.” Lexa remained quiet. She sat impressively with one arm draped to the back of the seat, her sleeve tattoo quite visible under her pine green yoga button-down shirt with rolled-up sleeves.

“Alright, you can get my number.” Lexa downed her drink. “But only if you dance with me.” Anya was shocked at Lexa’s sudden surge of confidence. She knew that Lexa was quite wary with strangers especially if she’s not the one initiating interactions.

“I don’t mind at all,” the brunette smirked.

Anya was just shell-shocked as Lexa led the other woman to the dance floor. “Now, what is she up to?” Anya followed them with her eyes.

“I’m Luna by the way.” The woman whispered to Lexa’s ear.

_For now, I don’t really care_. Lexa almost replied but she knew that Luna didn’t deserve rudeness. But Lexa had just one thought in her mind, she needed to get Clarke out of her head, even for a while. “Lexa.” She didn’t care if Luna heard her.

* * *

As soon as Clarke had calmed down, she fixed herself up and exited the bathroom with Octavia. Serendipity or not, she knew that the evening should not end without talking to Lexa. She would drag her out of the club if she needed to. Clarke knew what she wanted and once and for all, she would not leave until she gets an answer from Lexa.

Octavia pointed at the VIP booth where she thought Lexa was sitting with Anya. Clarke marched towards that direction and ran her lines in her head but when she reached the booth, she was surprised to see Anya alone, chatting with another woman.

“Clarke!” Anya jolted up to her feet.

“Anya, where’s Lexa?” Clarke looked alarmed.

“You guys really should talk.” Anya pointed at the dance floor with her thumb. Octavia just gave her a disappointed look.

Clarke walked towards the dance floor searching for Lexa but she didn’t need to search so hard because right there dancing provocatively with her hands on the waist of another woman was no other than Lexa Woods. Clarke did not mind the other woman; she just focused on Lexa and headed towards her direction.

“We need to talk.” Clarke just tapped Lexa’s shoulder.

Lexa looked like she saw a ghost. Luna gave her a confused look.

“I’m sorry, will you excuse me for a second.” Lexa moved away from Luna and before Luna could say anything Lexa was already walking out of the club with Clarke.

* * *

“What was that all about, Lex?” Clarke was holding off her rage.

“What do you mean what that was all about? I just saw you in the same situation with some guy just a while ago. Don’t just make this about me, Clarke!” Lexa spat back.

There were only a few cars passing by and the couple could only see themselves under the warm illumination of streetlights at the frontage of the club.

Clarke continued to walk towards the quiet parking lot with Lexa in tow.

“What was I supposed to do? Wait until you come to your senses? Wait until you become enlightened?” Clarke was calmer now, yet she crossed her arms over her upper torso and faced Lexa. Lexa knew that this stance meant that Clarke was trying to control her temper.

“This is the exactly what made me so paranoid in the first place.” Lexa whispered.

“What exactly are you so paranoid about?” Clarke challenged.

Lexa took a deep breath; she knew that this was her chance to let it all out. “This! You moving on without me. Imaging how your life continues without me in it! Going out with friends, going out to clubs, dancing with random strangers!”

“So, you think while you are away at work, I’m out here having a blast with other people?” Clarke looked furious now.

“Isn’t it what you were accusing me of? Imagining that I was having the time of my life with a co-worker? You just don’t know how many moments there were when I wished I was with you, seeing the world with you!” Lexa managed to reply in between sobs.

“We’ve been through this, Lex. We keep on saying the same things.” Clarke raised her arms in surrender. “Here we go again.”

“Yeah, here we go again because I think, whatever I say, you will never believe me!” Lexa emphasized. “I love my job Clarke but I don’t think you’ll ever accept my circumstances. I’m just so tired of proving myself to you every time when all I ever wanted was to just come home to you. All the longing is overshadowed by doubt. All the love overpowered by fear and resentment. What have we done to us?”

“I’m so sorry if I made you feel that way, Lex. I just felt like I was holding you back that I no longer have a place in your life.” Clarke admitted.

“What in the world made you think of that? I never saw you that way, Clarke. I always saw you as home.” Lexa retorted.

“But all these months, why did you ran away from me?” Clarke gave Lexa a light shove on the shoulder.

“Because I know that I needed to fix myself first before looking at you straight in the eye to tell you that I’m ready for anything. But when I came back, I didn’t know where to begin. I was afraid that you have learned to live without me and that I won’t be able to handle the truth, so I delayed it.” Lexa explained.

“Didn’t you realize that you were pushing me to do just that?” Clarke looked annoyed.

“I’m sorry, I see that now.” Lexa apologized. She was now looking at her feet, her foot crunching on the asphalt.

“I know that you have been away for some time, Lex and you’re probably used to the distance between us but don’t just jump the gun and walk away the first moment that I fall apart. If you ever want us to stay together, we have to do this together. You have been away far too long. And I am not just talking about physical distance; I just want to feel you, Lex, to know that you are still there.” Clarke moved to turn Lexa’s shoulder, urging her to look at her.

“I’m still here, Clarke.” Lexa finally closed the gap. “I am stuck with you.” She cupped Clarke’s chin.

Clarke melted into the touch. All the anger and resentment had temporarily dissolved. She had missed Lexa’s touch so much. “What do we do now?” Clarke looked up and she was met by Lexa’s green eyes.

“Can we go home?” Lexa released the breath she was holding.

* * *

“Can you please tell me that all of this wasn’t for nothing?” Anya sat on the booth, still nursing her drink.

Octavia and Raven joined her at the VIP section with hopeful looks on their faces.

Octavia showed the screen of her phone to Raven and Anya, it was a text from Clarke. _We decided to go home. Make sure Raven doesn’t go home with that Kirk or Kyle or whatever his name is_. Octavia smirked at the last part.

“Hey, he was a decent dancer!” Raven commented.

“I think it’s safe to say that this probably worked out for the better?” Octavia directed the question to Anya.

“I think it’s safe to say that the risks we took paid off.” Anya grinned as she read a text from Lexa and showed it to Octavia. _I am going home with Clarke, sorted things out._

“For what’s it worth, I’m glad we decided to do this, those two belong together!” Raven declared.

“They were insufferable apart.” Octavia added.

“Clarke had both of you, imagine being Lexa’s pseudo girlfriend for three months. I can’t take watching any more documentaries with her.” Anya quipped as she downed her drink.

Since Clarke and Lexa broke up, the three of them formed an unlikely alliance. Raven had always thought that Lexa’s best friend was too cocky but when Octavia pleaded for them to work together to get their best friends back together, they somehow grew closer. Clarke and Lexa were miserable apart; it did take three months for them to finally decide to intervene.

“I think tonight went well.” Octavia singsonged. “I don’t know about you two but I think I should celebrate with the cute bartender downstairs.” Octavia chuckled.

“You go do your thing!” Anya raised a glass. “Thank you for playing along.”

“I planned everything, An. Both of you are just accessories to the crime. If Clarke asks, I’ll take credit for everything.” Octavia winked and then disappeared.

“That girl is a ball of energy.” Anya commented. “So, what now?” She looked at Raven. Raven was uncharacteristically quiet.

“Where was that blonde girl that you were talking to earlier?” Raven looked around.

Anya smirked at Raven’s reaction. “You know that I’m not into blondes, Rae. That’s more of Lexa’s arena.” Anya poured a drink for Raven. “Where’s the hunk that was draped over you an hour ago?”

“I don’t even know his name.” Raven replied immediately. “You know that I’m not into that. I was just playing along with Clarke.”

“What are you into then?” Anya slurred, moving closer to Raven.

“You know, intimidating, sexy, sarcastic blondes.” Raven was staring at Anya’s lips.

“You’re not into Clarke, aren’t you?” Anya joked.

“You think Clarke is sexy?” Raven laughed.

“Well, Lexa thinks so.” Anya wiggled her eyebrows.

“Clarke is a nerd and a pushover; I’m more into the dominant types.” Raven implied.

Anya gulped; she never imagined that their little plan would turn to her own benefit. Sure, Raven was quite brash and overly confident but she had the same amount of sarcasm in her bones. They always got each other’s jokes, which always left Octavia confused for days. They bantered a lot but Raven was a challenge and Anya was always up for a challenge.

“Want to get out of here?” Anya eventually decided.

“I thought you would never ask.” Raven smirked.

* * *

“Why do I have this odd feeling that we had been set up last night?” Lexa realized the next day.

She woke up in Clarke’s bed with the blonde’s naked form tangled around her torso. The morning light seeped through the window and Lexa had her back rested on the headboard, her bare upper body was exposed and Clarke snuggled closer to her. Their drive back to Clarke’s apartment was a blur. As soon as they entered the threshold, clothes were discarded to the floor and they spent the rest of the night making up for all the lost time apart.

“Do you think our friends had something to do with the series of events last night?” Clarke chuckled as she drummed her fingers on Lexa’s stomach.

“Well, you think that they don’t?” Lexa raised an eyebrow.

“I hope they don’t.” Clarke wanted to assume. “You know that if they did, we would be hearing about this from them for the rest of our lives.” Clarke pointed out.

“Hmm, the rest of our lives, I like the sound of that.” Lexa hummed, placing a tender kiss on Clarke’s head.

“Yeah, I liked the sound of that, too.” Clarke agreed as she snuggled closer to Lexa.

* * *


	6. Circles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke have been coasting around each other, it has been a push and pull situation in the span of their university life. Their college love story told through the changing of seasons. 
> 
> Inspired by the song Circles by Dashboard Confessional 
> 
> “Seasons change and our love went cold  
> Feed the flame ‘cause we can’t let go  
> Run away, but we’re running in circles  
> Run away, run away.”

* * *

FALL

Lexa loved the fall season; perhaps it was the crunching of leaves as she treaded the university walkways, the crackling embers at the fireplace of the rustic study center building, the earthy scent of the air, or the picturesque scenery of tumbling leaves all brown or golden. Lexa was enjoying her usual coffee in her cozy corner at the university café. It was a great time to bundle up and snuggle with a book. She was in her maroon Polis University sweatshirt with a wool scarf around her neck, her glasses drooping on the bridge of her nose as she browsed through her copy of _A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments_ by Roland Barthes. It was a required reading for a class but Lexa being a useless romantic was relishing every word from Barthes.

_You see the first thing we love is a scene._

_For love at first sight requires the very sign of its suddenness; and of all things, it is the scene which seems to be seen best for the first time: a curtain parts and what had not yet ever been seen is devoured by the eyes: the scene consecrates the object I am going to love._

_The context is the constellation of elements, harmoniously arranged that encompass the experience of the amorous subject…_

“Hi, I’m sorry to interrupt but aren’t you in my creative writing class?” A voice, conversant yet unfamiliar addressed Lexa. Her blonde locks dangled down to her shoulders, her eyes of lapis lazuli, her smile perplexing. Lexa knows her, she remembers her, just a week ago, and they sat beside each other. She was late for class, their professor did not mind, he just went on and on differentiating poetry from prose. She asked if she had missed anything, she asked if she could look at Lexa’s notes. Lexa was accommodating but she never got her name because everything was a blur and the blonde had rushed out of class, claiming she was late for another one. Lexa never got her name.

_Love at first sight is always spoken in the past tense._

_The scene is perfectly adapted to this temporal phenomenon: distinct, abrupt, framed, it is already a memory (the nature of a photograph is not to represent but memorialize)…this scene has all the magnificence of an accident: I cannot get over having had this good fortune: to meet what matches my desire._

She was dressed in a denim jacket with a faux fur collar, a thick shirt underneath; she regarded Lexa, waiting for an answer.

“Yes, creative writing with Prof. Kane?” Lexa managed to utter.

“You lent me your notes; I didn’t get the chance to thank you properly.” The blonde-haired woman explained. “May I join you?” She motioned to the chair opposite Lexa.

“Of course, yes please,” Lexa pulled the chair out.

“Thank you,” The blonde settled her drink on the table.

“I’m sorry, I’m Clarke Griffin.” She extended her hand.

“Alexandria Woods, or Lexa would do.” Lexa noticed that Clarke’s hands were cold and calloused. “You’re cold?”

“You’re warm.” Clarke held on to her hand tighter before letting go, Lexa missed the contact immediately.

“You’re a literature major? Into Barthes’ image repertoire?” Clarke observed the manuscript on Lexa’s hand.

“Nope, philosophy, freshman year but I have a literature class this semester.” Lexa replied.

“Creative writing and literature classes, you’re not changing your major aren’t you?” Clarke pointed out.

“I would if I could but I can’t and I won’t. Came from a family of lawyers, philosophy is for pre-law. But I appreciate liberal education.” Lexa explained. “How about you?”

“Film, my sophomore year. I dabble into music also, maybe musical scores in the future.” Clarke sipped from her drink.

“You play the guitar, then?” Lexa observed from Clarke’s calloused hand.

“Oh, yeah, a bit.” Clarke rubbed her hands together and chuckled to herself. “I play at the Dropship sometimes.”

“Oh, is it that small watering hole just outside the university? I heard of it.” Lexa thought. She put away her reading, realizing that their conversation was in momentum. 

“Fridays, I play bass for a friend and her band.” Clarke expounded. “If you’re into 90’s grunge and alternative.”

“Is this an invitation?” Lexa reclined back to her seat paying more attention as those blue eyes are glued on to her. She felt awkward, uneasy; warmth was building up in her stomach.

“Only if you’re interested.” Clarke spoke with implied curiosity.

* * *

Lexa was not a groupie; the term was never in her vocabulary. But Friday nights were typically spent at the Dropship. She did not know many people, except for Clarke’s bandmates; their quiet and enigmatic drummer, Anya, their flirt of a lead guitarist, Raven, and their charming vocalist, Octavia. Raven and Anya appeared to be together, Lexa often saw them making out after gigs. Octavia seems to be dating a different person each night. Clarke appears to be available but seems that she never is. As a freshman, Lexa was opened up to this new world. Before Clarke, it was a life of venturing the city alone; watching movies, evenings at the school theatre, lingering in bookstores and discovering expedient coffee shops. But now life was more fast paced; helping out in Clarke’s film projects, nights of editing and sometimes being in her short films, gigs at the Dropship, and long weekend walks discovering new hangout spots. It was a balancing act for Lexa but she always had time to herself, hiding inside the library, still focused on schoolwork every so often until Clarke looks for her.

Clarke was a clear contrast from Lexa. She was a free spirit, impulsive, unruly, and expressive. The first kiss they shared was a haze; it was after a gig at the Dropship. They were walking back to Clarke’s apartment, she did not stay at the dormitories, and she hated the restrictions. The air was crisp and as the night got deeper, it was getting frostier. Lexa carried Clarke’s guitar on her shoulder, the blonde was not drunk but she was tipsy and too giddy for no reason. Clarke suddenly bunched towards Lexa, intertwining their arms. The leather of their jackets gave out a squelchy sound. Clarke was wearing a beanie and Lexa had her hair down in loose strands.

“You’re so warm, Lex. I love it.” Clarke spoke, wisps of cool air danced in front of her.

“I’m built with an internal heater.” Lexa joked as they continued to walk.

“You’re hot.” Clarke blurted out.

“What?” Lexa was caught dumbfounded.

“You’re hot, Lex. Embrace it.” Clarke chuckled.

“You’re drunk, Clarke, embrace it.” Lexa replied wittingly. 

Clarke suddenly stopped in her tracks and looked at Lexa. “I only had two beers, you know I’m sober.” In the span of their speedy friendship, Lexa knew that it takes several drinks to bring Clarke down; she was not a lightweight.

“I mean it, you’re really hot and you should know.” Clarke was engrossed on Lexa’s face under the warmth of the streetlights. “Has anyone ever told you that?”

Lexa was not the type to always be in the limelight. In high school, people were either threatened by her or intimidated. The summer before college, she admitted that she liked girls; she never looked at boys like she did girls. Lexa Woods is a lesbian and Clarke Griffin helped her realize that. Clarke came into her life like a whirlwind, destroying all the set rules, breaking her out from her mold.

“Not that I’m aware of.” Lexa breathe out, fog forming on her glasses.

“Well, I think I’m lucky then…being the first to notice.” Lexa was slightly taller, so Clarke tiptoed to meet her eye. But the blonde fixed her gaze on Lexa’s lips and this caused all of the brunette’s bearings to crumble.

“So, what are you going to do about it?” Lexa challenged, she did not know where the confidence was coming from.

Clarke flashed her a mischievous smirk. “This…” She placed an icy hand on the back of Lexa’s neck and finally pulled her into a kiss. Clarke’s lips though freezing were soft; Lexa could taste the beeswax balm and the bitter taste of beer. 

Lexa let go, she dived into the kiss as well, with every intent to warm Clarke up.

_The gesture of the amorous embrace seems to fulfill, for a time, the subject’s dream of total union with the loved being: The longing for consummation with the other…In this moment, everything is suspended: time, law, prohibition: nothing is exhausted, nothing is wanted: all desires are abolished, for they seem definitely fulfilled…A moment of affirmation; for a certain time, though a finite one, a deranged interval, something has been successful: I have been fulfilled (all my desires abolished by the plenitude of their satisfaction)._

* * *

SUMMER

“Fuck, Lex.” Basking under the warmth of the summer heat, Clarke was sprawled on the rug on the floor, on her stomach drenched in sweat and winded. The room felt stuffy, it smelled of sweat and desire. Warm sunlight seeped through the window blinds and panting echoed across Clarke’s apartment. Lexa was on top of her, her fingers thrusting deep within her, an arm holding her in place, her hand squeezing a taut nipple.

It has been a year; there was a sense of exclusivity. The hunger for each other started with companionship, a sense of immediate compatibility. Soon, the meetings became a blaze of sexual encounters. Clarke was Lexa’s sexual awakening, a yearning that she never knew she had.

The first time it happened was in a cloudy afternoon in Clarke’s apartment. Lexa arrived with coffee; a break from Clarke’s evening of editing a project. They settled down for a movie, a movie that Clarke played with intent. It was about two women in a chance encounter; end up in a night at a hotel. Two strangers slowly baring their souls to each other, a series of tangled encounters in bed and in every corner of the suite. The tension was growing between them, an unspoken potency. Clarke was first to give in. Clarke inched closer towards Lexa as Lexa grew more and more uncomfortable in her spot on the couch. When Clarke dove in for a heated kiss, Lexa recognized the moment. It was how it started and it has never stopped since.

“I’m coming, Lex.” Clarke squirmed under Lexa, Clarke was rubbing her clit frantically. Lexa kept on plunging inside of Clarke, now three fingers deep. She reached a spongy part inside the blonde’s cavern, the spot she knew she loved most. The sensation always brings her to new heights. Lexa was gyrating her hips, rubbing herself on top of the blonde, sliding from her rear to her thigh. “Come with me, babe…so close.” Clarke breathe out.

Clarke was always communicative, loud with directives. Lexa always followed with the need to please.

As soon as their movements almost became uncoordinated, Clarke wailed underneath the brunette and Lexa arched her back with her eyes closed, mouthing a noiseless whimper of bliss. They were physically compatible and at this point, they were addicted to each other.

* * *

“I’m going away this junior year abroad, starting this summer.” Clarke mumbled as she scanned her notebook.

“A term abroad?” The brunette seated across her clarified.

“I got in the exchange program in a university at Barcelona; the one Prof. Byrne recommended. You might need a new bassist while I’m gone.” Clarke added.

“Wow! That’s great, Clarke!” The brunette jumped up from her seat. “Wait, does Lexa know about this?”

“I’ll tell her later,” Clarke replied absentmindedly. “Wait, why do you think I should go through this decision with Lexa?” Clarke realized.

“Aren’t you guys dating?” Clarke glared at her. “A thing at least?”

“Rae, we’ve gone through this several times.” Clarke emphasized.

“C’mon, Clarke, you’ve been screwing the girl! Don’t you know I notice those hickeys after your weekend sexathons with Lexa! Those are damn filthy, babe!” Raven pointed out.

Clarke moved to cup Raven’s mouth. “Can you be anymore louder than that?” She looked around the almost empty café; none of the patrons seem to mind them. “We’re sexually compatible, Rae, what’s wrong with a little fun?” Clarke directed her full attention at her friend.

“I don’t think it’s just fun and games for Lexa. Have you seen the heart eyes she’s been throwing your way? It has been almost a year and she still looks like a lost puppy, melting into a puddle at your presence.” Raven remarked.

“I’m not looking for a serious relationship and I think neither is Lexa, she needs to focus with school. Also, you know my past.” Clarke walled up.

“Yeah, yet you have been a welcomed distraction.” Raven smirked.

“We release the tension sometimes, so what?” Clarke deadpanned.

“Weekly meetings only mean releasing some tension, huh?” Raven countered.

“Trust me, there’s nothing more to this arrangement. Lexa is a great friend. We know our boundaries.” Clarke elucidated.

“Haven’t you paused for a while and thought if these boundaries are just all in your head?” Raven disputed. 

“Look, Rae, Lexa is full of potential. She’s smart, kind, funny, and thoughtful. I can’t taint all that, I just look like a stain in her neatly pressed life. I’m just too messy for her.” Clarke spelled out with worry.

“Well, Griff, I guess you never thought of that when you started tapping on that crystal clear reservoir. The water is all poisoned now, you have broken that girl’s innocence. You’re her first, firsts always matter and some of us cling on to that. She’ll be hard to shake off. Casual sex always makes things messy. You don’t know where you stand, you don’t know your rights. Unless you have settled all the rules with the girl, this will only bite you back in the ass.” Raven counselled. “Poison I tell you, poison!” Raven hissed. 

“Are you speaking from experience?” Clarke narrowed her eyes at her friend.

“Anya and I are in a perfectly exclusive committed relationship!” Raven declared.

“Wow! That’s a mouthful of adjectives and that’s after you started bagging her at the back of the bar in secret!” Clarke retorted.

“Hey, we got that settled now!” Raven reacted. “But I tell you what, do yourself a favor, talk to Lexa before this gets shitty.”

“Talk to me about what?” Lexa suddenly appears out of nowhere. A giddy smile plastered on her face, her hand grasping on to the strap of her messenger bag. Clarke was like a deer caught in headlights.

“Oh shit, look at the time, I’m late for class.” Raven suddenly stood up. “Clarke has something to tell you, sit down.” Raven offered her seat to Lexa.

_Tell her!_ Raven mouthed to Clarke as she ran away, Lexa was oblivious to the entire exchange.

* * *

“I get to go for a year abroad!” Clarke declared. She was now walking on university grounds hand in hand with Lexa.

“What?” Lexa looked concerned.

“Remember that junior exchange program that I applied for. I got in!” Clarke managed to sound excited.

“No, you didn’t tell me.” Lexa dropped her hand.

“I told you, Lex. The one Prof. Byrne recommended?” Clarke underscored.

“You always do this, Clarke.” Lexa sighed.

“What? What did I do?” Clarke looked puzzled.

“You do this every time, you assume that I know things yet you never tell me anything.” Lexa pointed out. “Especially the things that matter.”

“I always tell you!” Clarke countered.

“No, Clarke you don’t. Last year, I expected that you’ll be spending the spring break here but you suddenly went home because your mom called and you were scared. I stayed, Clarke. It was a week alone at the dorm, I couldn’t tell my parents otherwise because I already made up a lie for staying. Also, last week, you just suddenly went incognito, I looked for you everywhere until Raven told me that you drove out somewhere for a weird project. Now, you just drop this news on me? I presume the application process took a while, yet you never even bothered to tell me?” Lexa huffed. “Sometimes you think you include me, Clarke but you don’t, not really.”

“Some things may slip my mind, Lex. Also, I apologized for those things in the past. Plus, I’m telling you now.” Clarke argued.

“Who am I, Clarke? What are we?” Lexa suddenly blurted out. “Am I part of any decision making process or do I just stand here and wait for you? Do I ever matter?” 

“I have never denied who I am. You know my life, Lex. I don’t like boundaries, I suffocate in rules.” Clarke explicated.

“I think I know who you are, Clarke. Yet, despite all that, I stick around.” Lexa muttered. “But again my question is, who am I to you?” Lexa looked at her with glassy eyes.

“You’re my greatest friend, Lex. I love you for that.” Clarke managed a reply. She did not know why she said that but it was the best answer she could give, for both their sakes. She was not ready, she’s not ready for Lexa, so, she needed to keep her at arm’s length at least.

Lexa’s lips trembled, it felt like she wanted to say something but she decided against it. She never imagined Clarke to utter those words but the context cut deeply. What was she thinking? Clarke would never take her seriously. “Wrong answer.” She whispered and walked away. 

_If I acknowledge my dependency, I do so because for me it is a means of signifying my demand: in the realm of love, futility is not a “weakness” or an “absurdity”: it is a strong sign: the more futile, the more it signifies and the more it asserts itself as strength._

* * *

Lexa was scrolling on her phone, scowling as she dragged along, a bottle of beer now warm in her hands.

“Who’s this Finn?” Lexa is browsing through Clarke’s Instagram account; Clarke has started her year in Spain and has been updating her friends through social media. A person tagged @finncollins was next to Clarke with a megawatt smile. It wasn’t the first photo of Clarke and Finn standing close together. There were several photos in Clarke’s page, a few selfies, group photos, and even solos of Finn just goofing around. 

“A friend?” Anya looks at Lexa’s screen, after Clarke left; Lexa had frequented the Dropship, if only to drink. She would sometimes stumble upon Raven, Anya, and Octavia but she often went alone.

“Oh, he’s in the same program with Clarke.” Octavia muttered as she munched on a French fry. “He looks hot, right? Damn, our girl moves fast.” Octavia commented unaware of Lexa’s feelings. 

“Well, cute in a fuckboy kind a way but hot? Not really.” Anya joked, trying to make the air seem lighter. 

“You talk to her?” Lexa directed the question at Octavia.

Anya raised an eyebrow at Raven, noting Lexa’s interest on the subject.

“You don’t?” Octavia asked wide-eyed. Clarke did not talk to Anya and Raven either, knowing full well that they would only pester her about Lexa. So, Octavia was perhaps the best person to talk to for Clarke.

Lexa just shrugged.

The couple observed Lexa, they were aware of the falling out before Clarke left. Lexa ignored Clarke until the day of her departure for Spain. Unknown to them, Lexa was there at the airport but she did not muster the courage to say goodbye. The weeks that followed were callous for Lexa, she never left her dorm room, just buried herself in books. It yielded good results for her academics but she was closed-off, robotic, and anti-social. But after a month, there was a drastic turn around, Lexa started showing up at their gigs but she was drinking excessively. Also, she was smoking now, a habit that the group never imagined her to take up. 

Lexa looked at the photograph on her phone once more; it was set in some student gathering. The longhaired boy had an arm draped on Clarke’s shoulder in the group photo and Clarke was leaning in to him.

“I think I’m done.” Lexa took the last swig of her beer and got up.

“Will you be alright walking home alone?” Raven inquired with worry. Lexa perhaps had a bit to drink and she was a little wobbly on her feet. 

“I’m good, Rae. I’m done.” Lexa repeated as she walked away.

Anya and Raven did not expect that it was the last time that they would be seeing Lexa hang around the Dropship.

That night, inebriated Lexa sent Clarke an email.

_Someone tells me: this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?_

_-Taking advice from Barthes, goodbye Clarke_

* * *

SPRING

Spring is bliss. It signals in a new beginning, how vegetation paints the campus in varied colors. Clouds shaped like fluffy cotton dance around the sky. The sunlight could be blinding but Lexa relaxes under its glow. Memories fade away as Lexa squints at her surroundings. Spring break was upon them and Lexa took it all in.

“Yo! Lexa!” A familiar voice called out.

Lexa smiled, swung her backpack over her shoulder and headed towards a van. Throngs of students from Polis University were headed for various spring break destinations. This year, Lexa was invited to go to Bowie Beach, where a music festival will be held. 

Lexa eventually found her own crowd; she was not really close with most of her course mates at the beginning, mainly because she had spent all her time with Clarke and her band. But since she had withdrew from them and into singularity, she melded with her peers. Monty Greene was blaring on the horn of his van in a printed shirt, getting Lexa’s attention. His older sister, Costia, swung the door open for Lexa. Their other friend Wells fiddled with the car radio as he sat in front with Monty.

Lexa beamed at them as she approached the vehicle. She was wearing a white tank top, cut off shorts, and flip-flops. Costia eyed her from head to toe, her brown eyes raked through the expanse of Lexa’s form. Costia just started her first year of graduate school in marine biology. She had often hung out with the philosophy majors at the commons but since Lexa had caught her attention, she did not mind sticking around. Costia’s hair was braided; she had a printed maxi dress on. She had high cheekbones and her eyes disappeared into arching bows as she smiled at Lexa.

“Hey guys,” Lexa greeted as she hopped on, slamming the sliding door of the van to make sure that it was closed.

“Hey pretty lady,” Wells greeted back, looking at Lexa from the rear view mirror.

“Hi, Lex.” Costia responded rather nervously.

Lexa knew that the older Greene always looked at her a certain way but she never minded. Especially when she is determined to stay single for a while after the trauma of a shambolic pseudo-relationship with Clarke. She knew fully well that she was still mending and giving someone else some sense of false hope was something she did not want to do, she was not a hypocrite. So, she kept Costia at an adequate distance, far enough to make sure that she did not give her the wrong impression, simply regarded her as a friend, as Monty’s sister. 

“So, this is where we are staying.” Wells was in charge of the accommodations. The weeklong festival was at the beach, students often booked accommodations from cheap hotels to cottages. “Fully air-conditioned, the rooms are from salvaged container vans. Impressive huh, Lex?” Wells showed a picture from his phone.

“Imaginative.” Lexa agreed as she looked at their acceptable lodging space.

“Plus, it is walking distance from the beach.” Wells added.

“So, sis, you’ll be rooming with Lex, kay? Girls and boys.” Monty informed without looking away from the road.

“No problem.” Costia replied nonchalantly.

This was when Lexa realized that she has never been fully alone with Costia. The boys were always around to break the silence. A week won’t be so bad, they would spend a lot of time outdoors, anyway.

* * *

“This is great!” Monty looked out at the expanse of the beach. Their rooms were next to each other and they shared a verandah that looked out into the coast.

Music was blaring from afar and the crowd of festivalgoers started to thicken. The group was ready for the first night of the festival.

Lexa wore a two-piece black bikini under her denim shorts and woolen poncho. Costia exited the bathroom dressed in cutoffs shorts and a lose tank top that revealed her bandeau on both sides. Monty still wore the same printed shirt and shorts. Wells changed into a loose white crisp shirt, khaki shorts, and a Panama hat.

As the group ventured into the crowd, Lexa noticed how she would often bump shoulders with Costia who was walking close to her. She did not know if this gesture was intentional but there were indeed a lot of people, she could not blame Costia entirely.

“Let’s go get some drinks!” Wells motioned for them to walk towards a mobile bar.

As the group came closer to the area where people were clustered around, someone called out Lexa’s name. As she turned, she was surprised to see Anya and Raven walking hand in hand, both of them were nursing cold cocktails. Raven had a modern kimono over her swimwear and Anya was wearing a pair of distressed jeans with her bikini top. Lexa has not seen them in a long time. Anya had an arm resting over Raven’s shoulder.

“Check you out Lexa Woods!” Raven remarked.

“Hi,” Lexa greeted meekly. Monty and Wells did not notice that Lexa was stopped in her tracks but since Costia was trailing behind her, she stood beside Lexa as the couple approached them.

“I haven’t seen you in ages!” Raven swooped in for a hug. Lexa was surprised at the gesture but she melted into the hug. It had been close to a year and Raven and Anya were graduating soon. Perhaps past is past, old wounds have already healed.

“Are you guys playing tonight?” Lexa asked out of curiosity.

“It’s our last spring break! We’re just here to party!” Raven replied.

“Plus, we disbanded.” Anya added.

“Huh?” Lexa did not think that they would drift apart, too.

“No, nothing like that just that since college is over, we move on to new ventures, you know, work and all. We’re still friends, Lex, we all are.” Raven explained.

Lexa remained silent at Raven’s words.

Suddenly, Anya noticed Costia standing behind Lexa. “Aren’t you going to introduce us?”

“Oh, fuck, I’m sorry!” Costia widened her eyes at Lexa; she has not heard her curse before. “Guys, meet Costia. This are Raven and Anya, we hung out before…” Lexa thought that it was the most appropriate manner of introduction.

But before Lexa could finish, someone squeezed in between Anya and Raven. “There you are, where’s my drink?” An overbearing voice inquired. Lexa recognized that voice anywhere.

Just like that, everything around them seemed to pause. Dressed in a knitted poncho that revealed her shoulders was none other than Clarke Griffin. Her blonde locks were fixed in a messy ponytail and her azure bikini ensemble was visible through her wrap. She was shocked to see Lexa as well, the cockiness in her swagger dissipated. They locked eyes for an instant, cerulean digging into forest green.

Then Raven began to speak and the moment was gone.

“Oh, Clarke’s back.” Raven whispered.

“Hey, Clarke.” Lexa was the first one to break, regaining her composure, keeping a stoic face.

“Hey, Lex.” Clarke’s tone was more tender, a little apologetic.

“Hi, I’m Costia.” Costia waved at Clarke and the blonde’s face fell.

“Pleasure to meet you.” Clarke waved back without removing her eyes from Lexa.

“Well, I think we should get going, I think we lost my brother and our other friend somewhere.” Costia captured Lexa’s attention.

“Right, sure.” Lexa mumbled. “See you guys around.” Lexa smiled weakly.

As soon as Lexa and Costia disappeared out of earshot, Raven spoke first. “Who’s Costia again?”

“I’m happy for her.” Clarke muttered under her breath.

“Hey, we don’t know anything, yet.” Raven countered.

“I don’t care.” Clarke downed Raven’s drink, yelled _fuck that_ , and she ran back into the throng of people dancing at the beach.

Raven and Anya exchanged worried looks.

* * *

“So, Clarke, huh?” Costia remarked. Wells and Monty were still outside at the beach. Much to Costia’s dismay, Lexa had decided to retire early for the night. Costia observed how Lexa’s mood had dropped after their encounter with Clarke. They were now showered and settled in their respective beds.

“What about her?” Lexa muttered.

“I know that look, Lex. I have been there before.” Costia pried. “So, is she your elusive ex?”

“She’s not my ex.” Lexa replied abruptly.

“Someone who got away?” Costia probed.

“Not my ex, technically, but we were together…gosh, I don’t even know how to explain it!” Lexa sounded frustrated.

“Non-committal?” Costia furrowed her brows.

“We did everything people in a relationship would do, except she did not believe in labels. So, we weren’t anything.” Lexa pondered.

“How long has it been?” Costia inquired.

“She left for a year, never talked to her since. It wasn’t anything special for her, I don’t know really.” Lexa speculated.

“She was your first love, Lex?” Costia implied.

“She was my first everything.” Lexa admitted.

“Does she know what you’re going through?” Costia queried.

“She only sees me as a friend.” Lexa jolted up from her bed.

“You still have feelings for her, don’t you?” Costia figured out. “No wonder you have been so closed off.” She smiled meekly.

“I’m so sorry, Cos.” Lexa mumbled.

“What for?” Costia wondered.

“For being an ass, for being a downer. I don’t know, we’re supposed to be out there having a good time but I dragged you in here. I thought I was over it but then here I am, back to being a moping mess. I want to let go, I’m so tired.” Lexa huffed.

“Look, Lex. Trust me when I tell you that it gets ugly before it gets better.” Costia advised.

“I’m really so sorry. I should not unload all of this on you.” Lexa whimpered.

“Hey, I’m a big girl, Lex. I admit I had a crush on you but I understand now. Someone broke your heart and you need some time to recover. But that won’t happen if you don’t sort this out for yourself. Talk to her, I’m not saying that you should go back to how it was before, maybe you need some time for yourself. Whatever it is, whatever your pace is. But you need closure, Lex, to move on from this. You need to expose yourself one more time, no more what ifs, find out how she really feels about this. I saw her reaction when she saw you; it must mean something. When you get a clear answer then you decide. Wouldn’t it help to stop speculating for good?” Costia counselled.

“Why are you so good to me?” Lexa sobbed.

“I saw the way you looked at her. I have been there before.” Costia established.

They never came across Clarke and the others throughout the week. 

* * *

“Clarke.”

Lexa did not see Clarke again until spring break was over. Clarke was stepping out of the library and Lexa was seating on the steps at the portico. Lexa was wearing a short-sleeved shirt tucked to a pair of dark jeans; her glasses framed her face, her messenger bag slung over her shoulders. Clarke wore a loose army green jacket; the sleeves were rolled up to her arms over an old white t-shirt and jeans. She was carrying some books that she borrowed from the library. 

“Are you stalking me?” Clarke greeted coolly, trying to mask her true feelings.

“Raven said you were here. Can we talk?” Lexa held on to Clarke’s wrist. Clarke missed Lexa’s warm touch.

“What’s up?” Clarke tried to remain impassive.

“How are you?” Lexa had a pained look.

“I’m fine, Lex.” Clarke pursed her lips.

“How’s Finn?” Lexa deadpanned.

“Fine, I think. I don’t know.” Clarke spat back.

“You’re not with him?” Lexa asked incredulously.

“He was a friend. Nothing more.” Clarke answered.

“Was he a friend like I was a friend?” Lexa did not know why she reacted that way. Probably to spite Clarke? She did not know how much anger she had left inside of her.

“Whatever, Lexa.” Clarke scoffed. “Is that all?” 

“Dammit!” Lexa huffed. “What’s wrong with us?”

“We’re good, Lex.” Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s shoulder her features softened, a gesture of comfort. Clarke looked tired. “Say hi to Costia for me.” Clarke added as she continued to descend from the stairs.

“What?” Lexa’s head snapped.

Clarke mumbled something instead as she ran a couple of steps. “Good luck.”

“You’re not running away from me again, Clarke.” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s arm.

“Let go, Lex.” There was more context to Clarke’s words. “It was my fault, Lex. I pushed you away, I’m happy for you.” Clarke stopped in her tracks.

“What are you talking about?” Lexa ran down after her, she was again face to face with Clarke.

“I left you; I can’t expect someone like you to wait for me. I get it now but I think I’m too late.” Clarke sighed.

“There you go with your misplaced altruism! I’m not with Costia, Clarke. She’s a friend and nothing more.” Lexa snapped. “Costia is not my girlfriend. Last time I checked I never ever had one.”

“What?” Clarke was surprised at Lexa’s words.

“It just became too much for me, hanging out with Raven and the others at the Dropship, hearing stuff about you when we didn’t talk, and seeing you with other people. It was just too much. It’s what you call self-preservation, Clarke.” Lexa choked on a sob.

“I’m sorry, Lex.” Clarke’s lips trembled.

“Why can’t you? Why can’t we?” Lexa sniffled. _Why can’t you love me? Why can’t we be in love?_ Those were the actual questions.

“I’m just too damaged for you, Lex. I’m always destructive.” Clarke reasoned.

“Going after what was good for you isn’t destructive, Clarke.” Lexa was referring to Clarke’s time abroad. “I would never go between you and your aspirations. If only you included me, at least.” 

“I know. Everything was just too good to be true. I mean I got the opportunity, I got you, things were making sense. I was just scared that out of all the good, something was bound to go wrong somehow. So before I turned into a train wreck, I let go of you. I could not make promises at that time, Lex. I was stupid. You just can’t wait around here for me. Things were unpredictable then.” Clarke revealed. “I was in the same situation once. I waited for her, she promised and she never came back. I don’t like to make promises that I couldn’t keep.”

“But we could have tried. You could have tried with me.” Lexa counteracted. “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing, Lex. You were perfect and I was just scared.” Clarke reasoned. 

“But it’s only me, Clarke. It’s just me, what are you afraid of? What have you got to lose?” Lexa pled.

“Everything…if this doesn’t work out.” Clarke sniffled.

“I’m tired of this. I’m tired of waiting.” Lexa huffed.

“I know…” Clarke muttered but before she could finish her statement. Lexa pulled her in, hugging her tight, enrapturing in a hard kiss. It was desperate, full of yearning, she felt Lexa’s lips shudder; she tasted her salty tears.

“Enough. Please stop.” Lexa whispered to her ear. “Stay. I love you.”

Clarke pulled back and stared intently at Lexa’s eyes. “You won’t lose me.” Lexa swore.

“I’m stupid, I know.” Clarke drew her into a tight embrace. 

“So, will you do it? Will you try?” Lexa raised the question again, hoping that this time Clarke would give the right answer.

_The lover’s fatal identity is precisely this: I am the one who waits._

* * *

WINTER

Beeswax and wine, Lexa could was drunk with Clarke’s taste. Eager tongues explored each other, as the temperature grew icier. Snowflakes clung to their eyelids but they did not care. Their boots were submerged in snow but they still did not care, they enveloped each other with warmth.

“We should get inside.” Lexa whispered with swollen lips.

“You’ve kept me warm so far.” Clarke chuckled; the tip of her nose was already red.

“We have all the time during the holidays; I can’t wait to see your childhood bedroom.” Clarke clasped Lexa’s hand, she was wearing fingerless gloves; Lexa transferred some of the heat that she emitted to Clarke’s hand.

“Thanks for accepting their invitation.” Lexa mumbled as she dipped further into her scarf. Clarke was spending the holidays with Lexa’s family and they will visit Clarke’s mother on New Year’s day.

“I’m good with parents.” Clarke boasted.

“How many have you duped?” Lexa helped Clarke out of her coat as they entered the apartment.

Clarke pretended that she was counting in her head.

“I know I’m not the first. I get it.” Lexa mocked a frown as she took off her own coat. They were wearing matching sweaters, both pine green; Clarke’s featured a drunk reindeer and Lexa’s a cut down pine tree.

But before Clarke could come up with a rebuttal, Raven approached them at the threshold wearing a skimpy Santa outfit. “Count on Griffin to be late at her own party!” She fumed, carrying a bottle of wine.

“Thanks for holding the fort!” Clarke placed a sloppy kiss on her cheek.

“Lay off my girl, Griffin!” Anya called as she passed by. She was carrying a tray of an assortment of cheese, crackers and cold cuts. She was dressed like a lumberjack and a Santa hat. “Woods, put your girl on a leash.”

“You got it all wrong; hon. Lexa’s always the one on a leash!” Raven chuckled. Lexa narrowed her eyes at Raven.

Octavia was already cozy in the couch with her new flavor of the month. She winked at Clarke as Clarke and Lexa entered. Wells and Monty were there as well, engaged in a thoughtful discussion. Wells took up a teaching post at the university and Lexa and Monty were in law school now.

“Ow, they’re here!” Monty jolted up as he noticed Clarke and Lexa. He fumbled for his iPad. 

“Am I late? What’s happening?” Costia’s face flashed on the screen. She was somewhere in the Mediterranean, conducting some fieldwork.

“Hi Cos, we just got back!” Clarke greeted Costia.

“So, what is it that you want to tell us? What is this party about?” Raven sat on her girlfriend’s lap.

Without further ado, Lexa took of her glove from her left hand and flashed her ring finger.

“She said yes!” Clarke exclaimed.

Anya was glued to her seat speechless while Raven jumped into Clarke’s arms. Monty and Wells sandwiched Lexa in a tight hug. Octavia joined Clarke and Raven.

Outside the snow was falling non-stop and tomorrow, the entire group will be stranded inside Clarke and Lexa’s apartment but tonight was all that mattered for the time being.

_I encounter millions of bodies in my life; of these millions, I may desire some hundreds; but of these hundreds, I love only one._

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All excerpts from A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments (1977) by Roland Barthes


	7. Sports

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa had been best friends since middle school. In high school, Lexa becomes one of the popular jocks while Clarke, being the founder of the chess club remains at the bottom of the social ladder. Clarke secretly pines for Lexa while the line of girls and boys on her doorstep distracts Lexa. 
> 
> Inspired by the song Sports by Beach Bunny 
> 
> “Why are we so complicated?  
> Maybe love is overrated”

* * *

“Your turn, Clarke.” Monty urged his opponent.

Clarke just hurriedly took her rook and king and castled. Clarke had this faraway look; she was actually observing someone sitting a few meters behind Monty. 

“Damn, you’re distracted.” Monty remarked.

With a series of various moves that Clarke did not necessarily paid care to, Monty finally declared his victory. “Checkmate!”

“What?” This suddenly captured Clarke’s attention. 

“I just won against, Clarke!” Monty was doing a goofy chicken dance as he stood up from the lunch table, yet Clarke was ignoring him completely.

The trio were engaged in a game of chess between Clarke and Monty during lunch. But in the middle of the game, something, specifically someone across the hall had caught Clarke’s attention.

“Damn, if looks could kill.” Jasper looked at the direction Clarke was staring at for the past couple of minutes.

“When are you gonna tell her?” Monty finally slumped back to his seat.

“What? Who?” Clarke got flustered.

“Why Lexa of course, who else?” Monty chortled.

Lexa Woods was seated on a table several feet away from them. She was with the rest of the softball team in an animated conversation. It did not help that her teammate, Costia Greene sat closely, almost looking like she was nestled to Lexa’s side. The brunette looked quite ignorant to this as she continued to chew on her salad while occasionally laughing at what her other teammate Octavia, who was seated across her may have said.

“As your official lesbros, we say you should make a move before Greene does.” Jasper commented as Monty nodded eagerly beside him.

“Before I do what?” Monty caught on.

“Hey, you’re Green, too. Wait, aren’t you relatives?” Jasper looked at Monty questionably.

“Her last name is spelled with an ‘e’, I’m just Green, like the color.” Monty babbled. Jasper just bobbed his head. 

“What are you talking about?” Clarke was already putting away all the chess pieces placing them carefully on the velvet-lined cavity of the wooden board.

“You’ve been pining over Lexa since seventh grade, now that you know she’s also into chicks, why don’t you do something about it?” Jasper pointed out.

“The window of opportunity is long gone. Just look at that.” Clarke pouted at the scene in front of them.

“Who says you can’t go through the door? For all we know she’s just standing by the foyer.” Monty countered.

“Don’t overdo it, dude.” Jasper shook his head.

“Plus, there’s a line of people waiting for her, girls, boys, I can name all of them.” Clarke sighed.

“She’s not kissing anyone in the hallways, yet.” Jasper reasoned. “For all we know, it could finally be you.” Jasper wiggled his eyebrows at Clarke.

“Yeah, Lexa had indeed taken some time off dating; do you think she realized something?” Monty speculated.

Lexa indeed was always linked to someone at school. They were in their senior year and the string of relationships had just gotten longer. It started when she had her first kiss with a boy named, Roan Blythe at eleventh grade. She had her first boyfriend, Marcus Allen first year; they broke up after two weeks. Then, she went on a couple of dates with a college girl she met in her cousin’s birthday party, that’s how Clarke found out that she was also into girls as she shared this detail during one of their sleepovers. Not to mention the quick online relationship with a girl named Becca from another school, who ghosted her eventually, which lasted for more than a year. Now, Costia Greene has her sights on Lexa and Clarke was always there to witness it all. She listened to Lexa’s romantic encounters, funny anecdotes and sexual questions and all. Clarke just had to keep it all in, maintain a poker face all the time. How would Lexa react if she figured out that all this time Clarke had feelings for her? Would she think Clarke was taking advantage of her openness, her vulnerability? Clarke could not go there. 

“You both are so full of crap!” Clarke chided as she came to her senses and went back to her task.

Without warning, Lexa suddenly got up from her seat and this earned a scowl from Costia. Lexa finally noticed the trio and she started to walk up to them. She was already in her white and blue Arkadia High School softball jersey. Her hair was tied in a tight bun and the team were wearing their sleeveless training uniform today, this showed off Lexa’s arm muscles extensively. A smirk was painted on Lexa’s face as she approached them.

“What’s up, nerds?” She greeted as she dropped next to Clarke. Clarke’s eyes widened at her sudden presence.

“Arkadia has a zero-tolerance policy on verbal and physical bullying.” Monty commented as a joke. Lexa was a jock but she never actually bullied anyone, it was an inside joke between them.

“I’m backing up, geez, touché much.” Lexa raised her hands in surrender. “Why is there a frown on her face?” Lexa suddenly placed an arm on Clarke’s shoulder.

The trio exchanged knowing looks. Clarke glared at them if they tried anything.

“She just lost a game to me!” Monty finally declared.

“What? Griffin never loses to anyone.” Lexa reacted in disbelief.

“I was just a bit unfocussed.” Clarke mumbled, still quite demoralized of Lexa’s proximity.

“Still down about that _thing_?” Lexa inferred.

“Maybe.” Clarke was reminded of what Lexa was referring to. Whatever circles they moved in, she still liked the fact that she and Lexa shared stuff only between themselves. When Clarke came out to Lexa, they bonded about that aspect. How they both had girl crushes and enjoyed women loving women content. Initially, they never looked at each other as a prospect, the _friend_ _zone_ was built between before they even noticed and it was too late to tear the walls down at this point. They usually hang out in Clarke’s house during the weekends, especially when she is left alone due to her mother’s 48-hour shifts at the hospital. The thing that Lexa was referring to was simply the untimely demise of Clarke’s favorite character in a TV show. A show that they both watched that featured a lesbian couple set in the dystopian future. Disappointingly, the showrunners subscribed to the _bury your gays troupe_ and they ended up killing off the other character and the one who was left behind typically ended up with the guy. Clarke was still seething several days after the season finale.

“Wait for me ‘til after practice?” Lexa inquired with a charming smile. “We’ll get some ice cream!” Clarke lighted up at the thought.

“I love some ice cream…ow!” Jasper was about to invite himself in but Monty elbowed him.

“Sorry Jas but it’s kind of a girl thing.” Lexa winked, dismissing Jasper’s idea right away.

“Jasper and I have stuff to do after school, anyway.” Monty glared at Jasper. Jasper was still rubbing his ribs. 

“So, I’ll see you after practice?” Lexa got up, directing the question at Clarke.

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke managed not to falter.

As soon as Lexa was out of earshot, Jasper reacted. “Bow-chicka-wow-wow! Griffin-1, Greene-0!” Jasper extended a hi-five at Clarke, which made Clarke smile.

“Can you just call her Costia? It’s a bit confusing actually, now that I thought of it.” Monty huffed.

* * *

“I’m off, see you next week!” Lexa took the quickest shower she could muster after practice and was already prepared to dash out of the locker room as soon as she haphazardly put on her casual clothes. She was wearing a plain top dye grey t-shirt, denim pants, and sneakers. She already had her duffle bag draped over her shoulder.

“Hey, hey, I thought we were getting some burgers?” Costia stopped her in her tracks; she was only in her sports bra and uniform bottoms.

“Oh, was that today?” Lexa tried to recall.

“Well, we did throw the idea around last week.” Octavia joined in as she came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel.

“Shit, must have slipped my mind.” Lexa gritted her teeth. Her feet looked restless; she was ready to take a sprint towards the parking lot where Clarke was waiting.

“What’s the rush, Woods?” Costia inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“I kind of promised my best friend that we were going out after practice, she sort of waited for me.” Lexa did not understand why she did not mention Clarke’s name.

“Clarke’s waiting for you?” Octavia confirmed. Lexa just nodded impatiently.

“We didn’t really finalize anything though, did we?” Zoe Munroe butted in. “My mom also needs me for some errands.”

“It’s a Friday night.” Costia looked annoyed. 

“Well, I guess we can reschedule for next week then.” Octavia concluded.

“Thanks, guys! Don’t worry next week is clear!” Lexa agreed and before anyone can say anything else; she was already out the door.

“What is she doing with Clarke Griffin, anyway?” Costia slammed her locker door.

“Clarke and Lexa go way back, Cos.” Octavia enlightened. “Those girls don’t know what’s in front of them, if you ask me. They seem to need a little nudge.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Costia counteracted with a glare at Octavia.

* * *

“Costia has been acting weird recently.” Lexa commented as she took a spoonful of the banana split that she was sharing with Clarke. A trip to the ice cream parlor has always been the solution to anything, ever since they were kids.

“Weird, how?” Clarke raised an eyebrow as she licked her spoon.

“Clingy, possessive, I don’t know.” Lexa sighed.

Clarke knew the exact reason why. She debated against saying anything; it might even raise an idea to Lexa’s ugly head. But she could not stop herself from finally figuring what Lexa really feels about Costia. She should take the plunge, just to end her assumption once and for all. “Maybe because she likes you.” Clarke snorted.

Lexa looked up with eyes widened, seemingly enlightened. “You think so, I never thought of that.” She rubbed her chin.

“Never crossed your mind that she has been flirting with you for some time?” Clarke dug a deeper hole for herself.

“She was always friendly, never thought that she would be friendly _that_ way. Never expected her to be into girls.” Lexa took another spoonful of the ice cream.

“Isn’t she your type?” Clarke probed.

“I don’t have a type, Clarke.” Lexa chuckled.

“Yeah, I forgot about that.” Clarke sighed. “You’re just into anyone who likes you.”

“Is that bad? It’s better than being into someone who ignores you.” Lexa eyed Clarke carefully.

“Yeah, I know.” Clarke considered the weight of Lexa’s words.

“So, do you think I should give it a shot?” Lexa speculated, tapping the back of the now empty spoon on her lips. Lexa’s lips were rosy and puffy from the coolness of the ice cream; Clarke could not help but look.

“Give what a shot?” Clarke came to her senses.

“Costia.” Lexa tilted her head.

“Yeah, of course.” Clarke chastised herself; she realized that she was the one who actually implanted that idea on Lexa’s head.

* * *

The following weeks, Clarke noticed that Lexa and Costia had been tied to the hip every time she saw them. Whether they were hanging out with their teammates at the lunch table, walking side by side along the corridors, or getting stuff from their lockers; they always seem to be around each other. Seemingly close but not entirely; even if she denied it, this broke Clarke’s heart. It also did not help that she often reminded herself that she was probably the one who nudged Lexa towards Costia. It also did not help that Lexa missed some of their afternoon TV time just because she needed to hang around with the team after practice. If Clarke knew any better, it was just to spend more time with Costia.

That afternoon, Clarke encountered Lexa and Costia once again. She was on her way home and they were on their way to practice. Lexa was carrying a softball bat that rested on her shoulder; she had a spring in her step. Costia was playing with a couple of gloves as they strolled. This time, Lexa saw Clarke. Lexa waved at her giddily but Clarke just smiled weakly and sauntered away. Lexa noticed Clarke’s forlorn mood, so instead of being early at the field, she excused herself and followed Clarke out of the building.

“Hey, Clarke, what’s up?” Lexa ran after the blonde, still carrying the wooden bat.

“Chess club meeting finished early, on my way home.” Clarke mumbled. She kept on walking.

“Hey, hey,” Lexa grabbed Clarke by the arm. “Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Clarke fixed her glasses on top of her nose.

“That’s why I’m asking.” Lexa looked frustrated.

“I’m fine, Lex. Just get to practice.” Clarke said disinterestedly.

“No you’re not.” Lexa insisted.

“How would you know? We haven’t talked much for more than a week.” Clarke tried to remain calm.

Lexa suddenly gathered the truth in Clarke’s words. “Shit, you’re right. We have just been busy with practice and all…”

“How’s Costia?” Clarke did not know what came to her but she felt like picking a fight with Lexa. This always happens, ever since they were younger. Someone captures Lexa’s interest and she’s suddenly hypnotized. As soon as she meets someone, Clarke is forgotten in the sidelines until something goes wrong and she breaks up with whomever. Clarke helps her pick up the pieces of her broken heart and they are good again. Then, they just jump into the cycle once more.

“What’s wrong with you? It was your idea, anyway.” Lexa pointed out. “So, I found out that she’s interested. Lucky me.” Her tone filled with sarcasm.

“Yeah, you’re right, lucky you, Lex.” Clarke sighed. “See you around then.” Losing the strength to argue any further Clarke just decided to walk away not even sparing a glance back at Lexa.

Lexa does not know why this keeps happening, why she keeps doing this to Clarke. It used to be just about gaining the blonde’s attention, riling her up until she admits to being jealous. It has been this way the past couple of years, the back and forth motion. Lexa castigated herself; she should learn to stop. They were getting older and sooner or later, one of them might eventually give up from this unspoken game.

* * *

It was a Friday night; Abby would be back from her shift on Saturday morning. In the past months, Lexa always accompanied Clarke, either they would go somewhere or spend the evening with pizza and some trashy TV. If she was not needed at home the next day, Lexa would sleep over until Abby arrives the next day. But this evening was quiet, Clarke just stared at her TV dinner while it spun in the microwave. _What was she thinking? Lexa would never reciprocate her feelings._ They were just audacious kids growing up, now they are poles apart. Lexa was on top of the social ladder and Clarke is just coasting by, waiting for high school to end until being smart becomes an imperative at whatever college she decides to go to.

As the microwave dings, Clarke pulls out her dinner and surfs through the channels in their TV. Her dinner is as sad as she looks; dressed in an oversized pair of sweats, hair up in a messy bun, and a scowl on her face. If she does end up like this forever, maybe she should consider getting a cat soon. That way, someone would still be around despite not really caring much about her, she was used to that kind of attention.

But before she could take a spoonful of her meal, the doorbell suddenly chimed. She was sure she did not order anything, so she was curious at who could be at the door.

As soon as she opened the front door, a familiar face was standing there with puppy-dog eyes carrying a box of garlic and cheese pizza. Lexa had already changed into a navy Arkadia High t-shirt, a pair of jean shorts, and sneakers. Her hair looked wet, like she just came out of the shower, her duffle bag draped over her shoulder.

“I’m sorry.” She squeaked.

Clarke fought against herself to fight against Lexa’s wiles, she refuses to succumb to their cycle again but how can she resist the garlic and cheese pizza? “Is it stuffed crust?”

“Cheese and more cheese.” Lexa opened the box for Clarke to look.

With her inspection and approval, after Clarke scrutinized the food, she stepped aside to let Lexa in.

“I’m sorry for being an ass again.” Lexa set the food on the coffee table and dropped her bag on the floor.

“Next time, it would take more than pizza to pay me off, Lex.” Clarke remarked as she walked behind Lexa.

Clarke meant it as a joke but she was surprised at Lexa’s next move. Without warning Lexa turned to her and engulfed her in a tight hug. “I don’t deserve you.” This brought butterflies to Clarke’s stomach, an unpleasant sensation that she often avoided.

“You’re squishing me.” She tries to make the moment comical, just to avoid having Lexa’s scent linger on her the entire night. Lexa’s olive-scented body wash has always haunted her.

“Am I forgiven?” Lexa looks intently into Clarke’s sapphire orbs.

“For now.” Clarke quipped as she escaped Lexa’s hold.

The duo sat in silence for a while, side by side, shoulder to shoulder.

Suddenly, Lexa broke the stillness. “I don’t even like her like _that._ ”

“Hmm? What do you mean?” Clarke questioned.

“You led me towards that direction.” Lexa defended.

“I thought maybe she liked you, Lex. I did not say that you should flirt with her and lead her on.” Clarke elucidated.

“I’m really hopeless, am I?” Lexa muttered. “But anyway, I did not lead her on. I talked to her today, I emphasized the _being friends_ part. See, I’m improving.”

“Really?” Clarke’s face lighted up.

“I’m not a monster, Clarke.” Lexa made herself more comfortable on the couch.

“What did she say?” Clarke continued to pry.

“Got a bit livid at first but it’s all sorted. We should not get into that, anyway. We’re teammates; it would only destroy the balance.” Lexa replied bringing the topic into a close.

“Yeah.” Clarke could not hide the smile on her face. 

* * *

“Fuck, Lexa!” Clarke was panting hard.

“C’mon, Clarke! We’re close!” Lexa urged on.

“Remind me not to fall into your traps, anymore!” Clarke was already breathless.

“We do need to burn that cake that you scarfed down, yesterday.” Lexa chuckled.

“Haven’t it crossed your mind that running can be more difficult for me?” Ever since puberty, Clarke had always pointed out that being busty meant that it was more challenging for her to run.

Suddenly, Lexa could not help but stare at her boobs.

“Hey, eyes up!” Clarke reprimanded.

“You should just get a sturdier bra!” Lexa teased.

It was easy to fall back into their usual banter. It was a sunny Saturday morning and they were on Lexa’s usual running course. Clarke was never athletic; she was more of your sluggish casual Sunday type of girl. Why she went on these runs with Lexa, she never knew. Well, she knew why, one of the reasons probably involved seeing Lexa in her running gear, sports bra, spandex shorts and all. Well, that just sounded disturbing inside Clarke’s head but the truth is she just liked spending time with Lexa in whichever way possible, even if it caused her to pant like a dog.

“Alright, we’ll walk from here.” Lexa jogged in place as she waited for Clarke to catch up. “But you should not stop right away, keep moving until you cool down or else you’ll get muscle cramps.” Lexa directed her as she wiped away some sweat from her forehead with the back of her arm.

Clarke had finally caught up with her, her Arkadia physical education t-shirt was drenched in sweat.

“What did I do in my past life to suffer like this?” Clarke huffed.

“You’re so dramatic, Clarke.” Lexa muttered as she jogged backwards.

“Why do I even do this to myself?” Clarke wheezed.

“It’s because you love me!” Lexa declared with a sneer. Clarke was lost for words; Lexa was oblivious to the fact that perhaps that meant more to Clarke than it did to her.

* * *

“I don’t understand why you need more practice.” Clarke garbled as she threw the softball back to Lexa.

“What did you say?” Lexa ran forward to catch the ball.

“I said your glove stinks!” Clarke quipped.

“My glove doesn’t stink!” Lexa threw the softball back and Clarke was not able to catch it, so she ran after the ball as it bounced a few times on the grass.

“So, you’re telling me that this isn’t your sweat that has clung unto this piece of leather?” Clarke expressed her disgust.

“Hey, don’t talk to my glove that way, it’s my lucky glove.” Lexa opposed.

They were at the nearby park on a Sunday afternoon. What Clarke does not understand about herself is that why she always allows Lexa to subject her to some form of kinesthetic activity?

“Why can’t we just play chess or finish a puzzle?” Clarke mumbled as she picked up the ball. Her hair was set in a ponytail; she wore a pair of denim shorts and a loose white V-neck t-shirt. Lexa was waiting for her at the other side of the field, she had a black baseball cap on, a New York Yankees t-shirt, and a pair of sturdy leggings. 

“This is me sharing my passion with you.” Clarke did not realize that Lexa was already standing behind her.

“And what about the things that I’m passionate about? Like ice cream and ice cold lemonade or just sitting on the couch playing video games?” Clarke huffed.

“You should exercise more!” Lexa teased. 

“Are you body shaming me, Lex?” Clarke accused as she haphazardly tossed the ball towards Lexa’s direction and Lexa caught it effortlessly.

“I didn’t say anything; I just said you need to exercise more, cardio and all.” Lexa badgered. “Your body is perfect Clarke, you should just be more comfortable in it, show it off more.” Lexa winked.

“Why do I feel so harassed?” Clarke hassled but she could not contain her blush. _Did Lexa just say that her body is perfect?_

“Was it creepy?” Lexa realized.

“From you, it’s not, I guess.” Clarke did not realize that they seem to be flirting already.

A slight blush crept into Lexa’s cheeks. “You’re right, let’s go get some lemonade.” Lexa swung a sweaty arm on Clarke’s shoulder.

“You’re disgusting, Lex.” Clarke tried to fake some resistance.

“You love it! Don’t deny it!” Lexa inched closer towards Clarke. 

Whatever reason Clarke has to subject herself into kinesthetic activity was never revealed at this point. She was still too proud to admit to anything.

* * *

“Has Griffin and Lexa always been close?” Costia was walking to her next class with Zoe when she saw Lexa and Clarke in front of Clarke’s locker.

“I guess they are, they’re best friends, since middle school, I think.” Zoe enlightened.

“That seems odd.” Costia continued.

“What is odd about that? They’re both into these weird TV shows and other stuff.” Zoe was starting to wonder why Costia was speculating.

“But Lexa is like, here.” Costia lifts her hand up. “Griffin is like here.” Costia lowers her hand.

“I don’t think it’s weird.” Zoe shakes her head. “Griffin is a hotshot in her own right. She has a following in with the chess team.”

“Yeah, the nerd herd.” Costia commented with a scoff.

“Hey, it is a sport, too. They also have a team with uniforms and all.” Zoe defended innocently.

“Whatever, did your head get hit with the ball last practice?” Costia remarked at Zoe. 

“Hey, that’s mean!” Zoe realized.

“Again, whatever.” Zoe headed towards their classroom leaving an irate Zoe on her trail.

* * *

After class, Costia spotted Lexa seated by the steps of the front portico of Arkadia High’s main building. It was a Tuesday, the softball team’s day off. Costia did not pay much attention to Lexa’s request to remain friends. Costia Greene always persevered; she always gets what she wants.

“Hey, Lex. It’s a warm day, isn’t it? Want to go for ice cream?” Costia flopped down beside Lexa.

“Oh hey, I didn’t see you there!” Lexa looked shaken. “I’m actually waiting for someone.”

“Are you waiting for Clarke?” Costia’s demeanor soured.

“Uhm yeah, it’s a best friend thing.” Lexa leered. As Lexa was explaining, she suddenly spotted Clarke in her line of sight. “Anyway, there she is!” Lexa quickly got up.

“I’ll see you around!” Lexa waved back at Costia as she ran towards Clarke.

Costia glowered at the duo as they walked away. Another thing about Costia Greene, she does not like rejection. 

* * *

“I got us tickets!” Lexa was waving a couple of tabs in front of Clarke.

“For?” Clarke looked at her skeptically.

“That vampire movie that you like!” Lexa hopped. “So, what you say, Clarkey? You, me, and a movie.” Lexa asked.

Clarke snatched the tickets from Lexa in disbelief. She did mention this movie in passing but she did not know that Lexa took note of it. Lexa was always good with details, if she paid attention. She was definitely paying attention this time. However, as Clarke examined the particulars of the tickets, Lexa missed one detail. “Friday evening, Lex? You have softball practice.” Clarke discerned.

“This is for the last show, Clarke. You can wait for me until practice ends if that’s okay with you?” Lexa pointed out. “We can go out late; your mom still has that shift until Saturday? I can sleep over again, too.”

If Clarke knew any better, it sounded like a date but it was just a friendly gesture, nothing out of the ordinary and she could surely wait until Lexa’s practice is over. It’s not like she hasn’t done that before. “Okay.” Clarke settled after much discernment. “Thank you.” She added sweetly.

“Alright! It’s a date then!” Lexa placed an arm over Clarke’s shoulder.

Again, maybe not that kind of _date,_ Clarke reminded herself.

* * *

“What is she doing here?” Costia eyed Clarke at the bleachers on the side of the field. Clarke was alone, her head down, seemingly absorbed in a book.

“Who?” Zoe asked from the catcher’s box. 

“Nothing.” Costia smirked as an idea crossed her head. She was next in line to bat.

They were at their usual Friday afternoon practice and seeing Clarke around did not sit well with her. Lexa could give her numerous reasons as to why they shouldn’t date but Costia knew that Clarke was actually the main reason why. When Lexa shot her down after weeks of flirting, she noticed that Lexa was always around the blonde now, more than ever. It was already their senior year and it was Costia’s last chance to hook up with Lexa. She had her eye on her ever since she noticed her bloom in their junior year. Costia was competitive and the dorky chess master Griffin would not stand in her way.

Costia maintained eye contact with Octavia as the other girl stood in the pitcher’s mound. Lexa was at the dugout with the others waiting for their turn to bat. As soon as the ball left Octavia’s hand, Costia made sure that she aimed accurately and swung her bat towards the direction of her target. She made it look like she lost her balance to imply an accident. As soon as she hit the ground, the chorus of yelling indicated that she had hit her mark.

“Hey Cos, are you okay? Looks like you hit someone!” Zoe helped her up and as soon as she established that Costia was all right. She ran towards her other teammates who were approaching the bleachers from different directions.

When Lexa realized the trajectory of the softball, she was on her feet right away. Clarke fell almost face flat on to the steps of the bleachers when she saw the impact. Lexa hoped that Clarke was not hit on the head but she saw the how her body recoiled at the impact.

“Clarke!” Lexa was the first one to reach her.

Costia tried to ran towards them as well, faking a limp as not to be suspicious.

“Where did it hit you?” Lexa examined Clarke’s head.

The blonde had her eyes still closed but held on to her mandible. “My…jaw…” A muffled sound came from Clarke.

Lexa saw the reddening of the surface of Clarke’s right cheek and she realized that the softball had grazed Clarke’s chin. There was some blood on her lips as well and this caused Lexa to panic internally.

“Shit, I’m sorry! I lost my balance…” Costia slurred from somewhere but Lexa did not mind her. How it happened Lexa did not mind it as of the moment, the important thing is that Clarke needs to be safe. It was her fault why Clarke was on that field in the first place.

“The nurse’s office is already closed, Lex. It’s already late.” Octavia realized.

“Can you drive us? We can take her to her mom; she’s a doctor at Arkadia General.” Lexa asked Octavia.

“Sure, let me get my keys. Meet me at the parking lot.” Octavia galloped towards the locker room.

“Are you sure you can move her?” One of Lexa’s teammates asked.

“We need to take her to the hospital.” Lexa decided and she carefully scooped Clarke onto her arms. Clarke nuzzled into Lexa’s shoulders, still holding her jaw, still in pain.

When Lexa and Octavia arrived at the hospital, Clarke was rushed to the emergency room. Her mother’s colleague, Dr. Jackson attended to her. After a series of tests and scans, Clarke was treated and Dr. Griffin came out of the emergency room to look for Lexa and Octavia at the waiting area.

“Dr. Griffin, I’m so sorry, it was an accident. How is she?” Lexa stood up immediately, realizing that Abby was standing in front of them.

“I thought my child playing non-contact sports would spare her from these type of injuries but I guess I was mistaken.” Abby almost looked amused. “Then I forget that she always hangs out with you.” 

Lexa was a little relieved, it probably meant that it was not as serious as she thought if Dr. Griffin could still joke about it but still Clarke was hurt.

“I’m so sorry, I was at practice, she was seating by the bleachers when it happened. She was waiting for me; I guess I’m to blame.” Lexa apologized profusely.

“You’re were supposed to watch a movie, right?” Abby asked casually.

“Yes ma'am, again, I'm so sorry.” Lexa looked perturbed. 

“Accidents happen, I understand, Lexa. Don’t be too hard on yourself. But Clarke needed a few stitches on her lips and her premolar is a bit loosened, she might need a root canal.” Abby huffed. “But she’s okay now; actually Dr. Jackson is allowing her to go home. I can keep her here since my shift ends tomorrow, she can’t be alone at home.”

An idea crosses Lexa. “I can take care of her Dr. Griffin, until you get home tomorrow, if you still trust me.” Lexa volunteered.

Abby smiled at the thoughtfulness. “I trust you, Lexa. Again, this was an accident. Plus, I guess Clarke would like to recover at home. She has taken some pain relievers but it would hurt after a while. Can you do that for me?”

“Yes, ma’am!” Lexa assured.

* * *

“You look badass.” Lexa whispered as she rested on the headboard of Clarke’s bed next to her recuperating friend. They were now both dressed in Clarke’s pajamas. Octavia dropped them off at Clarke’s house and shortly after, Lexa prepared smoothies for them because Clarke could only eat with a straw for a while. 

“Don’t…make me laugh…hurts.” Clarke managed to mumble.

“I’m sorry, you can sleep, and your scan did not show any signs of a concussion according to your mom.” Lexa explained.

“Who…the batter?” Clarke inquired; she could not move her lips so much as not to strain her stitches.

“Costia.” Lexa grasped.

Clarke just raised her eyebrows and gave her a knowing look. “She does not miss…usually.”

“You think she did it on purpose?” Lexa speculated.

Clarke just shrugged.

“That’s just mean. But why would she do it?” Lexa furrowed her brows.

“Proly…hates me.” Clarke slurred.

“How could anyone hate you?” Lexa struggled with the thought.

Clarke just looked at her intently.

Clarke wanted to say more but she was having a difficult time already. 

“Don’t worry; I’ll talk to her tomorrow. Will give her a piece of my mind.” Lexa considered.

“Don’t…not worth it.” Clarke sighed.

“You’re worth it, Clarke! People can’t just go around hurting people just because they can!” Lexa exclaimed. “If coach finds out that she did this intentionally, she could be suspended.”

Clarke held on to Lexa’s arm to calm her. “I’m fine…let…go.”

Lexa turned to her with glassy eyes. “You can’t just put up with this. When I saw the ball knock you out, it hit me. You mean a lot to me, Clarke. I care about you, very much. I don’t know what I would do if something bad happened to you.”

Clarke remained silent, searching Lexa’s eyes for more answers.

Clarke was surprised when Lexa finally grabbed her hands. “You mean the world to me, Clarke and the last thing I want is to see you hurt. You can’t mask your hurt from me forever.”

Clarke looked like a deer caught in headlights; all the pain relievers that made her groggy seem to have dissipated at Lexa’s words. _Does Lexa know how she felt all along?_

“Shit!” Lexa chastised herself. “I’m really bad at this but whatever...” Lexa took a deep lungful. “I love you, Clarke Griffin, more than just a friend should and more than just a friend ever could!” Lexa exclaimed in one breath.

_It hurt, surely, it did_. The stitches on her lips stung but Clarke could not contain her smile. It was worth the smile, worth the hurt. 

“You…waited for me to get hit by a softball…” Clarke started to joke but before she could finish her words, Lexa has cupped her chin gently and placed a soft peck on the corner of her lips opposite the injured part.

The kiss was chaste, it was soft, it was tender. Clarke did not move. She felt like it was an out of body experience. Why Lexa waited for her to be hit on the head with a softball, she’ll find out later on but she was finally in a good spot and she wanted to linger there as much as she could.

“You shouldn’t smile or talk too much, I know it hurts.” Lexa bantered as she backed away.

“Don’t you want to hear…my answer?” Clarke managed to choke out.

“I think I know what you would say.” Lexa smirked.

“Confident?” Clarke challenged.

“Very much!” Lexa fêted as she held on Clarke’s gaze a moment longer.

Clarke Griffin did not play contact sports for a reason. Why she became a casualty on the field, she’s not really sure. But one thing is for sure, Lexa Woods loves her and she feels like she could be in any object’s trajectory at this point and not feel anything else but glee after that confession from Lexa Woods.

* * *


End file.
